DD and MIL poor relationship

[AreYouSeriouslyThere]

My DD is 11 and autistic. MIL has always found it difficult to interact with her appropriately, despite DH talking to her about it many times over the years and giving practical advice on what to do/not to do.

It's clear MIL can't (or won't?) modify her behaviour. Nothing has changed. It's got to a point where DD doesn't want to spend any time with her and gets really upset at the prospect of a visit or call. It's extremely difficult when MIL is here and not a nice experience for anyone ☹️.

DD gets on fine with everyone else in the extended family it's just MIL that doesn't "get" her.

MIL lives a distance away and has a visit booked with us next month and I'm already dreading it. I honestly don't know what to do except just get through it as best we can. But it's incredibly stressful and frustrating.

Does anyone have any personal experience of something similar?

What, if anything, has been said to MIL about all this?

Lots.

We've told her how to engage with DD, what not to do. MIL clearly understands there's an issue between them as she'll say that a conversation felt "difficult" but doesn't alter her interaction style at all.

We have other DC who aren't autistic. They are irritated by MIL but can tolerate her and don't get upset like DD does.

What do you say when she doesn’t alter her communication style?

We say "Give DD time to think" or "DD doesn't like jokes like that" or "It's ok DD, you don't have to answer questions like that if you don't want to"

So, you’re not really addressing it with MIL and telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable. I think you should.

I felt like we had been addressing it with her, by saying "Stop doing X" etc.

I'm honestly struggling to know where we go from here.

Cancel her visit to your home next month. You people do not want to spend time with her anyway so do it put yourselves through her visit.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, do not tolerate this any longer from his mother.

I think it’s for your partner to separately speak to your MIL and say I can’t have DD upset in her own home so you either modify your behaviour to support her or you don’t come. They need to make it clear to her that if at her next visit her behaviour remains the same then she doesn’t come again. If she then arrives & her behaviour remains unacceptable then she goes home straight away even if it’s a day into her visit.
My DS’s wellbeing take priority over MILs feelings every time.

Your partner (not you) paraphrases what you’ve said here. So:

“DD is autistic. You know this and we’ve asked you to modify your behaviour. It’s become clear that you can't or won’t (give examples) It's got to a point where DD doesn't want to spend any time with you and gets really upset at the prospect of a visit or call. It's extremely difficult when you are here and not a nice experience for anyone. Are you willing to work on this?”

If she’s not willing to modify her behaviour, you cancel this trip and stop letting her near your daughter. Her well-being is your priority in this.

I just wanted to say thank you for the responses and I really appreciate the advice.

You’re welcome, OP. Good luck!

Why does DD have to be around when MIL visits? Organize a play date or take her out while MIL spends time with her son. Win win