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Original poster

Would you end a relationship over not fancying them?

17 replies

aaloooboo · 17/02/2023 08:10

We have been together 3 years and honestly it's the best relationship I've ever been in and I'm now 42.
He treats me so well,he is kind,thoughtful,he is my rock-he gets me through bad things that happen and I honestly don't know what I would do without him but ..
I don't madly fancy him,like I'm attracted to him but I don't get the same feeling of fancying him that I had in other relationships (with bad guys who treated me like crap I will add )
My relationship now is settled
We live together and I know he will propose soon
We have a good life together-have fun (holidays -gigs -meals out etc )

Would you give all this up searching for something that might not even exist ?
I love him so much and he is the best person I've ever met

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 17/02/2023 08:17

How would you feel if he’d written this post about you on a men’s forum somewhere? Would you be content that he loved you and thought you were the best person ever even if he didn’t really fancy you? Or would you feel hurt?

Do you have sex? Do you both want sex? Does not fancying him translate into a reluctance to have sex? That’s likely to become an issue further down the line, if you get to a point where you can’t bring yourself to have sex with somebody you don’t fancy, and he has the “normal” expectation of a relationship involving sex.

Tuilpmouse · 17/02/2023 08:26

The rush and adrenaline that you can get from new or "dangerous" relationships is almost to settle in a secure committed relationship that's a few years in, and being 42, you won't have quite hormone levels you did 10-20 years ago.

That said, it's important that you still find him physically attractive enough (even if that all-consuming lust has settled) to have a satisfying sex life. If you have that, then I think you probably need to adjust your expectations.

TifT · 17/02/2023 08:59

Depends. Perhaps you crave something you know is bad for you. Your previous attraction to bad men who treat you poorly is your norm so it’s hard to compare. These type of men are addictive even if they do treat you like shit and it can then be hard to just have a nice relationship without the endless drama. Do you have sex and if so, is it ok or repulsive because if it is the latter then that’s not good. If it’s ok then I’m not sure not madly fancying him is a deal breaker when he brings so much else to the table. We always want more but more often doesn’t exist.

Dery · 17/02/2023 09:08

You might find Women Who Love Too Much a useful read.

Original poster
aaloooboo · 17/02/2023 09:12

No we have sex and I do fancy him but not the mind blowing fancying I did a ex of mine (who was toxic )
Not sure if it was because he wouldn't settle down why I found him so attractive (if that makes sense )

OP posts:
zonky · 17/02/2023 09:45

Do you have dependent children?

xfan · 17/02/2023 09:48

You will be in menopause in the near future, all consuming fancying won't be a priority, surely just finding them attractive enough is a reasonable expectation in early 40s?

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 09:58

OP,

I would explore why being treated poorly by toxic men gives you such a rush.

Be very careful of self sabotage.

You have a lovely partner yet you seem restless.

Perhaps he isn't the one for you.

However, in my late 50's I definitely have heard a few single friends regret not being ready for the nice guy that they moved on from.

Perhaps they have coloured memories but many women would settle for what you describe in your partner in their 40's and 50's.

Would a couple of sessions of counselling help you tease out what is going on.

Are you nervous of commitment or is he just not right for you?

TifT · 17/02/2023 10:15

If you do fancy him as you say, then I don’t see a problem. We all have an ex that have us the flutters but this one sounds good so I wouldn’t be giving him up in a hurry. Your loss would be someone else’s gain by the sounds of him.

5128gap · 17/02/2023 10:24

The problem with the bad hot ex's is that you never reach that stage of comfort with them to know if you'd still fancy them. They play you so you're on a constant roller coaster of highs and low that feels a lot like excitement. You're so happy when things are going well that everything feels so intense. If they'd settled to Mr Stable Nice Guy, mowing the lawn, going to Tesco, my monies on them not feeling so exciting.
Should you end it? Depends. No one should have to be intimate with someone they're not attracted to, but it sounds like there's enough there for sex to be enjoyable? There's also a lot of other good stuff, and presumably you're attached to him, so why lose him from your life in the hope of unicorn tears?
The danger will be if you meet someone you're very attracted to, but that's a bridge to cross when you come to it, as that could happen to anyone.

Tuilpmouse · 18/02/2023 09:13

Part of the issue here is unrealistic expectations that can be fuelled from posts on here.

We're told not to settle... And to an extent, that's right, but if "not settling" equates with "require perfection" then you're almost bound to live a life of disappointment.

Also, there are always posts from some people who will say stuff like "I fell in love with my now DH on day one, and fancied the pants off him ever since, and I still swoon with barely controllable lust whenever he walks into the room 30 years on!".... which can make anyone who's relationships have settled into something less intense (99% of people) feel like we're missing something.

However, i wouldn't want that intensity of attraction to persist for years... It's not normal and would be exhausting, and lead to an unbalanced life that was unhealthily focussed on my partner.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/02/2023 09:41

Id also read women who love too much

and be very honest with yourself

no one can answer if you are ‘settling’ or if you have a decent chap but some unhealthy habits and mindsets

Nagado · 18/02/2023 16:12

I wonder whether you have commitment issues and it’s this that has led you to emotionally unavailable men previously. They’re familiar and you feel comfortable with that dynamic. The anxiety you feel at the sight of them is mistaken for butterflies and you know that there’s no danger of them ever wanting to settle down with you, so they’re a safe bet. Now you’re with someone who doesn’t make you feel anxious and who wants to commit to you. This is terrifying so you self sabotage by questioning whether you’re attracted to him.

Obviously only you will be able to answer this, but if your skin crawls at the thought of being intimate with him, then you clearly aren’t meant to be with him. If it doesn’t, and you’re quite happy to be intimate with him, then I’d be looking a bit deeper at your feelings towards commitment.

BicycleLoaf · 18/02/2023 22:40

I think what you're describing with your ex is a trauma bond

Pinkdelight3 · 19/02/2023 09:18

So you do fancy him. Best to stop comparing him to toxic exes and enjoy a healthier relationship.

Zanatdy · 19/02/2023 15:07

As long as you do fancy him it’s ok. My relationship with my ex was never going to work as I didn’t fancy him, he knew that really. I’m seeing someone the last 3 months and I really fancy him, still possible mid 40’s. I wouldn’t go out with someone again unless I really fancied them. Maybe some of it’s because I knew him already for a few years before we started dating so personality wise he’s fab too which adds to my adoration! Lol, well not quite but I mean I fancy him and like him as a person.

Eleganz · 19/02/2023 15:32

He sounds like a decent guy who is making you happy on many levels. You know that a proposal is coming so is this a bit of cold feet?

Of course if you really are hooked on the bad lads then let this one go, he deserves better.

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