Husband obsessed with Facebooks sexy videos

[al871]

I’m going to try and keep this short…..

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have 2 kids. We have never had a very active sex life and in the past have had issues between us - lack of affection from him, I’ve caught him masturbating upstairs whilst I’m working downstairs, I’ve seen him watching porn (phone history) …..he appears to be ok masturbating and having sex with me only now and again….he says I don’t instigate it but I’ve explained that’s very hard when there is no affection ever! He has never been affectionate unless he wants something!! Anyway, noticed recently his FB video feed shows endless videos of ‘sexy’ women, prancing around in lingerie, lots are foreign women in weird settings, like teasing lifting their dresses up etc you don’t generally don’t see anything but they are trying to be seductive and I can see from his ‘watched videos’ history he is watching them constantly. Like when my 5 year is in the bath and he is on duty, he is watching them, when I’m cooking dinner and he is on the sofa he is watching them, when on the toilet he is watching them, the minute I leave the house he is on them…..he works from home and so do and he is scrolling for ages constantly. Now I need to tell him I know this as it’s winding me up a lot as not only do I feel it doesn’t help our relationship, I’m finding it really frustrating that with clearly so much spare time he should be helping me more!! However, I know that when I do raise it with him, he will make some excuse and just cover his tracks better moving forward which is exactly what happened previously when the same thing was happening with porn, he never deleted his history but then obviously after our conversation was more careful. He’d be googling lingerie websites, Googling ‘short mini dresses’, ‘photo shots - sexy bourdoir’, and he has an obsession with wanting me to do a photo shot and for a man to be the photographer……but with the way he acts I’m absolutely refusing!! Now I know a lot of men look at porn, I’m not precious or unrealistic but I’m so bothered by this as I feel it’s disrespectful and if he didn’t do this as much maybe he’d show me more attention. We have a pet cam on for our dog and due to my suspicions now and again I’ll log in to confirm what I’m thinking is happening and I’m always right, the minute I leave the house he is masturbating…..I’m not over weight at all, I take care in my appearance and I’m over 10 years younger….I always assumed he just had low sex drive due to medication (which his been on his late teens and is totally not unwell at all) but now I’m not sure…..he clearly has a sexual need so is he just lazy and masturbating is easier and quicker, clearly he doesn’t care about my feelings as he knows how I feel about the affection isssue…..I serve a purpose, cook clean work and care for our kids…..what would you do? Am I being a drama queen? Do I confront him but then know he will just be more sneaky? Do I create my own enjoyment? I think it’s an obsession, and he does get obsessed about things (photoshops obsession, me wearing a thong to the beach on holiday, me not wearing a bra on occasions (both I’ve done!) what do I do…..

Just to add, he is a nice bloke generally and a good dad when he isn’t on his phone, the kids adore him. He provides financially. Just as more background.

This sounds really tough to deal with - I don't think you're being dramatic at all. I'm a married man (in case that's relevant) and I have had times in the past where I've watched porn (but I quit a while ago) and I can see how it could be addictive, but that doesn't make it OK for him to choose it over you, or to be selfish with chores and with lack of affection. I imagine that some commenters will tell you just to divorce him, and they may have a point, but I'm guessing you haven't reached the point of wanting to do that yet. Confronting him about the porn is clearly tempting but might not get him to change. How do you think he would respond if you instead talked with him about wanting to find ways to rebuild intimacy with him (if you do want to, of course) and asking him to help out more around the house? If he did better in those areas, would the porn be less annoying? (It's possible that he just won't improve in any of these areas, but I'm trying to think of how you might try to work on this just in case there is hope.)

Ok well to get the bit you probably know covered OP - he has a porn addiction and a sex addiction (manifesting itself as masturbation). Ultimately he needs some form of therapy as he's losing sight and connection to the real world.

Even the photoshoot thing, can you not see is a porn fantasy, a combination of voyeurism, maybe a little cuckolding - he's trying to blend what he fantasizes about to wank to, into his actual life. Not automatically an awful thing but I'd anticipate the requests to get more and more if you go along with them.

If you want any form of happy healthy sex life he needs to address his addictions , if not then you'll start to see more and more of the behaviour such as doing it while kids are in the bath and it'll totally consume him - my personal view from what you've written is that pretty much every interaction he's having with you and the family is pretty much him counting down to his next wank. That may be blunt but I'd say it's likely he prefers wanking to Facebook girls to being with you right now.

Thanks for your reply. We have spoke so many times about the lack of affection, and although he helps around the house to a degree he clearly has a lot more spare time than I do given the amount of time he is on his phone. I know if I say anything he will just make sure he is smarter when looking at these kind of images and videos so I’ll never have evidence/proof that it’s still happening…..he is a good Dad, he provides, he get on - mostly as mates, so it’s make it all even harder….he will also tell me all blokes do it and that I’m making a mountain out of nothing. I think porn would maybe be more acceptable but these videos I feel are even worse!?!?

He defo has an obsession, the issue is he will deny it, he will act as if I’m mental and say that it’s not porn….and I think you are right, he clearly prefers wanking to random women on FB, it requires a lot less effort and maybe he just doesn’t fancy me…..!?

Am I being a drama queen

What have you actually done or said that could be construed as dramatic?

Do you fancy him? Doesn't all this turn you right off him?

I wouldn’t bother speaking to him. He sounds like a teenage boy and actually quite revolting. And pornsick.

This isn’t really about the videos. Your needs aren’t being met. He’s meeting his own needs and because his needs are juvenile they are easily met by these videos and endless wanking. He clearly has no need at all for real intimacy.

It’s a concern op that he’s doing this constantly at home and as you say, when he is on bath duty. It’s not ok at all to be watching porn around children and whether they see it or not they will know dad is not present. When you live with a porn addict, which is what you are describing it can become almost normal. It isn’t, and at a minimum the watching porn around the kids must stop.

Yes actually, it is like having a selfish teenager around……and he definitely isn’t acting too fussed not having real intimacy or at least not that often……and clearly showing affection consistently is too difficult (he has always been the same with this) I feel like I need him to be aware I know but same time unless I literally make him remove FB (like his mother would!) or make him stop carrying his phone about all the time it probably won’t stop and instead he will delete the evidence and/or move onto the next thing - twitter perhaps!

He's disgusting.

Watching porn around your five year old? Jesus Christ. That is so unbelievably grim. What if your child was to notice what was on the videos?

I would kick him out. How can you even look him in the face. You deserve better than this.

He doesn't care about real intimacy because he prefers wanking to videos of strange women. He prefers that to you. You are just there to provide the comforts that living with a woman gives to men.

He has zero respect for you or for himself either.

Fuck controlling his Internet access like his mother. Just get rid of him.

@Ghostbuster2639 is correct. His behaviour around your child will normalise porn use for them and will cause them a great deal of damage. He needs to be gone for your children's sake.

How can you live like this? What@Jimboscott0115 says is spot on. He is addicted to port and that trumps any real life relationship with you and his family. He doesnt respect you or his children! I would make it clear that if he does not address his addiction and get help for it then he needs to leave.

@Bee871

You've had a name change fail. It might be hard to find your comments.

The safety issue is concerning, among other things. Rather than telling him that you know what he's up to, could you instead address the amount of time he's spending on his phone rather than interacting with his family?

Well he was in our bedroom whilst my son was in the bath, and it was actually porn as such but yes still, it isn’t right and he should use that time to interact with my son or put some washing away! I looked at his phone this morning when he got in the shower, I’m trying to now track how often this is happening when we are all at home, and as I go onto FB it’s on the setting page where you can remove what you have watched so 100% he now knows how to remove videos too. If I mention it he will just deny it all, or he will just say he will stop but I know he wont…..it’s so hard, if I didn’t have 2 children to support and financially be kind of reliant on him I wouldn’t be here. To reiterate he isn’t a bad man but has this issue and it makes him incredibly selfish and disrespectful

Yes I think I will have to say, you are going to therapy for this or that’s it because him just telling me it will stop, I know deep down it won’t and he will just be more sneaky and hide the history better on his phone….

Yes it absolutely does.

He will say I’m on mine just as much……but as a working mum I’m usually on mine either working, organising food shops, ordering stuff for kids schools, clothes, arranging play dates for this kids, dealing with kids health issues etc. I have said this before…..

Do you know how I correct the name change?

Just to be clear, my kids never seen his phone or what he is looking at. Otherwise I’d have chucked him out before now.

It doesn’t matter if they see what’s on the phone op. It doesn’t change the fact your husband is watching porn around them. That’s how far gone he is. He thinks it’s ok to become sexually aroused around your kids. And as we all know, there’s an energy to sexual arousal and it’s that energy that’s inappropriate. It’s quite disgusting.

I would look to separate. You’re getting nothing out of this marriage apart from financial support.