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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had enough!

24 replies

samsam777 · 16/02/2023 18:45

I literally have had enough of being in an emotionally abuse relationship. Me and Dp have 2 young children and I'm at the end of my tether with being under the same roof as him. I work Monday - Friday like he does. Yet I do everything, looking after the kids, cleaning, washing cooking. I feel like he has the mentality of someone from the 1950's where he still expects the women to do everything. Even though I'm working full time. If I ask for help with the kids he starts arguing and shouting in front of my kids which I hate. I bath the kids 5/6 days a week and if I ask him to maybe do 1 night he starts an argument. I'm the one who gets up with our youngest as she's up most of the night and I'm just at the point of walking away.

I feel he does this because he pays the mortgage and bills. But I pay the nursery which is £900 a month along with anything the kids need. I'm paying at least £1000 a month but he acts like I don't contribute anything. All I get is I'm meant to be the mother so it's my job! Or I get told to get out, as in move out. I'm honestly so miserable and I know I need to get away from this man as my kids don't deserve to be listening to it all.

OP posts:

Rockingchai · 16/02/2023 19:11

It sounds awful. My ex used to flabbergast me by conveniently forgetting every financial contribution I made, because it suited his narrative of being the hard-done by person who worked and paid for everything. Could you change your arrangement so you and he split everything - he pays half childcare etc and you half mortgage so he can see what you actually contribute? But it sounds like he will be difficult to shift in his thinking.

Channellingsophistication · 16/02/2023 19:11

Well, he sounds charming, not!

He’s not being a partner, is he. I think you would be much happier on your own.

The reality is, he thinks you should pay the nursery fees because you are the mother of the children.. therefore he doesn’t see you contributing to the finances because he pays ‘household’ bills.

you could have a joint account where all the bills come out of, and you put in a proportionate amount of your salaries to cover all the costs. Therefore you will pay mortgage.

But frankly, I think it will be better dumping him. You’ll never going to be happy being with someone like this.

Original poster

samsam777 · 16/02/2023 19:21

I suggested that I pay the mortgage which is £1000 a month and he pays the nursery so he can't keep throwing it in my face. But he said no. I know I'll be fine on my own I just need to make the move. I can't go on with not being able to ask him to help out. My friends husbands and partners all muck in even if it's just cooking the evening meal. And he wonders why I'm so miserable all the time.

Everything I do is wrong. If I say that he doesn't treat me right, he says if I started acting like a proper women (I don't act like one because I argue back) he will look after me. I'm laughing at how condescending that sounds. He's a dick.

OP posts:

Original poster

samsam777 · 16/02/2023 19:22

He wouldn't have a joint account because I will be able to see exactly how much he earns. I know he earns a lot more than me. He knows exactly what I earn.

OP posts:

Channellingsophistication · 16/02/2023 19:41

Men should be doing more than “helping out” with their OWN children…

so he does nothing at home, not even cook?

firstmummy2019 · 16/02/2023 19:42

What a horrible, horrible man. How old is your youngest? Hopefully soon you will be entitled to some help with the costs of childcare. But in the meanwhile, I would be getting ready to get out of there. Start saving £50 a week if you can to put towards a rental deposit. Talk to a solicitor about divorce. Start looking at prices of places to rent. Remember you will be entitled to maintenance. Is paye or self employed?

Original poster

samsam777 · 16/02/2023 19:43

He doesn't cook, maybe for himself if he's getting home late. But come the weekend it's all still down to me. I just wanted to see that it's wrong what he is doing, because he guilt trips me into being a bad mum for moaning about not having no time to myself and doing everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

samsam777 · 16/02/2023 19:46

We are not married thank god! He is self employed and I have a feeling he would say he earns the bare minimum if I went after anything. My name is on the mortgage but he says the house is his. I have a house that I rent out as I didn't want to give it up as I knew something like this would happen. The tenant is so lovely and i always wish they would message to say they was leaving. But I think it's time to think of myself and my kids. My youngest is 2 and my eldest is 7

OP posts:

blablablagobshite · 16/02/2023 19:57

Was his mum one of the "have it all" women. Apparently the boys of the mums who watched their mums excel in their career plus do ALL the household chores and deal with the children have the highest expectations of their female partners. The girls of those "have it all" mums said Fxxk that and ensured it was equally split when they had children etc

Original poster

samsam777 · 16/02/2023 20:21

His mum was the complete opposite. Never worked, and doesn't do any cleaning. He has sisters and I think they done most of the cleaning in the house. He will step over things left on the floor and it's because he's been around people like myself who will do it.

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 21:02

Wow, what a a charmer. I bet you’d struggle to find a single positive thing he brings to your life. I couldn’t live like that. You’ll be fine on your own, even if he doesn’t pay you any maintenance. Walk away with your kids and don’t look back.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 17/02/2023 07:25

You’ll be so much happier away from him but you clearly already know that, go for it. Speak to your tenant, do you need to give them 6 months notice? If you can afford to run that house, get the wheels in motion and don’t tell him until you move out.

Grandmasword · 17/02/2023 12:11

Naw, toss that one back to the curb, you know this already but the mental load of him will be put knce you leave him. Its not going to get better is it? If you feel up to the job being on your own then find a way to do that. The peace that comes with it is worth it and kids will be mentally happier

Cherrysoup · 17/02/2023 12:16

Honestly, you’ll be better off without him and as you’re on the mortgage, I’d see a solicitor to see if he can buy you out. He can’t just tell you to get out when you’re a co-owner. I’d start by sending your tenant notice that you need to move back in/a Section 21.

Original poster

samsam777 · 18/02/2023 12:14

Thank you all for your advice. I am going to see my tenant on Monday as she is away until then. I feel so bad on her but I need to think of myself and my children. I'm not telling him I am issuing the section 21. I want to get the house ready for us all before we go back. Not that he would stand in the way because I get told most days to get out of his house. He said it again this morning because he was moaning that I was cleaning up. I just ignored him and carried on. As soon as I'm back home in my little house I won't ever have to walk on egg shells again.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 18/02/2023 12:39

I'm so glad you have an escape route OP.

If he tries to convince you to stay, just focus on how you and the children will feel once you're in your own place and not having to deal with him.

Thelifeofawife · 18/02/2023 13:06

Why does he say it’s his house if you’re on the mortgage too - was it his house originally and you were added on?
He's probably trying to be clever by saying he will pay the mortgage and you pay for other things, so that he can argue you didn't contribute to the mortgage if you split.
You need to do everything as 50/50.

Sounds like he needs a wake up call that if you split up he will not only have to buy you out of the house but he will also have to contribute to the children in maintenance (even if he does fiddle the costs due to being self employees) and look after them on his own.
For what it’s worth it sounds like you’ll be financially better off single, you’ll get help towards childcare costs and probably a top up on your wages. And you won’t have to deal with his bad attitude!

Dery · 18/02/2023 13:19

It’s great you have an escape route. He sounds pretty unpleasant. One thing MN taught me is - men do not ‘help’ with their children: they parent. Calling it ‘helping’ suggests it’s more your job than his. But it isn’t - they’re his children too. His mum sounds pretty awful mind.

Original poster

samsam777 · 18/02/2023 13:21

Because he pays the mortgage. We both bought the house together. He did put the deposit down but I don't earn anything near what he potentially earns. But I pay £900 nursery fees plus anything the kids needs, clothes days out toys. I think the more he goes on the more I don't want my daughter to think this is how a man can treat a women. And being constantly told to get out of his house just makes me so detached from this house. It's not my home. I would walk away and not look back. I have more happy memories in my other home as I did live there on my own before he moved in. I really appreciate everyone's advice, I think just writing it down makes me think what a walkover I have been.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 13:26

Well done for deciding to get the hell out of there.

I don't know how old your kids are but I hope once you are out you sit them down and tell them that you left because daddy was not doing his share around the house and you didn't want to live like that because partners should take turns and do half each. Also that he was angry a lot and that made you sad and you are sorry they had to see it. But in your new home you can be happy and so life will be more fun.

Basically make it clear that a person can leave if they aren't t happy with the way a partner behaves. Hopefully they'll model their behaviour on thar, not on what they saw before. But you're really going to have to be strong independent mummy going forwards and keep teaching them how to spot signs of abuse. Or at least, behaviour they shouldn't accept from others. Eg: don't tell them to be nice or pander to bullies. Tell them these people are mean and to stay away from them.

Original poster

samsam777 · 18/02/2023 13:27

And just to add when he moved into my house. He didn't give me money towards my mortgage. I paid it myself. And never once threw it in his face that it was my house.

OP posts:

Thelifeofawife · 18/02/2023 14:17

He’s just being an idiot.

If you decide to go ahead and leave, don’t feel guilty about your tenant (it’s expected when renting) and don’t be swayed into changing your decision unless he is willing to go 50/50 on everything and you are happy to stay

liverpoolgal82 · 26/06/2023 22:26

How are you getting on op? Did you leave?

feelingfree17 · 26/06/2023 22:54

You know what you have to do. Don’t feel bad for your tenant, now is the time to look after you and your children. This twat gives you nothing, and you are soon to prove to him that you need him for nothing. You are in a fortunate position of having your house to go to, and earn enough, get out asap. It will be the biggest of shocks to him. Don’t look back. Here’s to your new life without his vile selfishness and negativity dragging you down.

it will be so much easier being a single mum

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