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Relationships

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Excluded by BF best friend

4 replies

Livelifelaughter · 16/02/2023 17:57

My bf has a best friend of over 25 years, who is also 20 plus years his senior. They met when bf was in his 20s and the friend was 40 plus. The friend has never had a relationship and is gay. This isn't my bfs only friend of course, he has other close groups of friends that he goes on boys weekends away with (they are all in their late 50s), but his friendship with this guy is different. They go on weekends away with each other and the friend's brother and his wife, the trips are arranged by the friend. The friend lives in his home town abroad and my bf will catch up with him on visits home which I understand but the friend recently arranged a standalone dinner for again my bf and the friend's brother and wife which the friend paid for; I wasn't invited. On one level this is a very long standing and clearly dear friendship, but I feel that the friend treats my bf as his partner, making up a group of four. I have raised this with my bf who down plays it and says because his friend has poor health (he has long standing health issues with no impact on ability to do things) they have only a few years left. I haven't met the friend, he hasn't visited. We have been dating 8 months. It's really beginning to grate and I don't know how to deal with it. The 4 meet up at least twice a year and my bf sees the friend I would say on average for a long weekend a further 5 times...

OP posts:
CCCCough · 16/02/2023 18:27

I’ve been married 25 years.
I would ruin the dynamic if I went with DH on the weekends he visits and goes out for a meal with his oldest friends.
I class them as my friends also, if they come here we will have lunch together before they go off for the day and do whatever they have planned but, even if they are then staying in our area, I wouldn’t join them for dinner out.
Maybe it’s different because I know them? I don’t know, but I know a night out with me would change their evening and I’m happy for them to have their get together.
Do you go out regularly with your friends without your BF or does he always go out with you and your longstanding friends?

Livelifelaughter · 16/02/2023 18:37

CCCCough · 16/02/2023 18:27

I’ve been married 25 years.
I would ruin the dynamic if I went with DH on the weekends he visits and goes out for a meal with his oldest friends.
I class them as my friends also, if they come here we will have lunch together before they go off for the day and do whatever they have planned but, even if they are then staying in our area, I wouldn’t join them for dinner out.
Maybe it’s different because I know them? I don’t know, but I know a night out with me would change their evening and I’m happy for them to have their get together.
Do you go out regularly with your friends without your BF or does he always go out with you and your longstanding friends?

I agree there's a dynamic but my point is that the other couple aren't my bfs friends they are his best friend's brother and partner and my bf does not have an independent friendship with them. I have trips with girlfriends when my I meet girlfriends with their partners then my bf is included.

OP posts:
Weekenders · 16/02/2023 20:10

Leave them to it is my advice.

It'd be excruciating to force your way into their long-standing friendship, and it's only been 8 months.

Livelifelaughter · 16/02/2023 21:44

Weekenders · 16/02/2023 20:10

Leave them to it is my advice.

It'd be excruciating to force your way into their long-standing friendship, and it's only been 8 months.

Fair enough. I'm not interested in going with the two of them, their best mates and want to spend time together and get that.

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