Partner losing Mum :( anxious and don’t know what to do :(

[starmazgirl1]

Hi all
Regular stalker but haven’t ever posted.
My partner of 6+ years…his Mum might not make it :( she has cancer and he’s just got the call to say he has to go over there because she might not pull through.
I’m so worried and devastated for him. I’d do anything for him not to have to go through this. Also worried that I’m going to be useless and not a good support. He is always an outwardly strong and tough man but I know I’m on the brink of something really tough and I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think I would be so anxious. Anyone been there with their partner who has lost a loved one? I would appreciate any insight because I’m feeling a bit worried that I might be useless and I want to be there for him. I’m one of those reflective/quiet types that doesn’t naturally know what to say/do (autistic). He isn’t big into affection, fuss or hugs etc I’m a panicked mess - mainly because I know something sad is going to happen to him. I fear he will try play the tough man and that will be so hard for him.
thank you xx

Ask him what he needs from you. Say you know how awful this is and you want to know how best to support him just now.

@Spottycarousel has nailed it. You sound like a very caring partner and you’re right to take this imminent loss very seriously.

Thank you so much.

Sorry I can’t work out how to reply. But I really appreciate those messages thank you!

I think it's almost harder when the person is "strong" about it. I've seen my exh and my current dp lose their mums. My exh comes from a family where they just don't talk about things. So he threw himself into work, hid away and didn't seek any support from me - would hardly speak to me. My current dp cried on my shoulder, which meant I could hug him and felt a bit more helpful, and we talked about his mum.

My exh was secretly having a crisis - it made him rethink his whole life, but I only found out later when his affair was revealed. Having had a different experience with my dp, if I was dealing with someone like my exh now I'd probably try to get him to talk more, to try and avoid that unhealthy silence on the topic. (How are you feeling? / Penny for your thoughts. / This reminds me of your mum. / What was your mum like when you were little?)

If he is not that keen on talking, when the time does come, another thing you could do is to get a really nice picture of him and his mum framed and make a little corner with some candles or whatever, as a symbol that she's in your thoughts.

Also I don’t know if you live together or have any shared children or pets but, for the 9 months between my mum’s cancer diagnosis and her death, I made regular weekend visits which involved a day and sometimes a whole weekend away. At the time our children were 5 and 7. DH helped hugely by giving me the space to make those trips and unquestioningly picking up the parenting during that time (he was already hands-on but we both tended to be around at weekends - it was unusual for one or other of us not to be there). You shouldn’t become his maid but if there are practical things you can take over so he can spend more time with his mother, he may well appreciate that.

Hi OP, I've been through this with my DH, who also didnt talk or show his feelings. I just let him be, if he was quite I'd make a cuppa, ask if he was ok but didnt go on at him. I just took over all the house type jobs so he could just grieve. DH had to sort out all of his mums finances and death certificates etc, I managed to get a few days off work to goto the funeral directors and the bank etc. I would let your DH take the lead, let him be quite, or shout or cry....my DH had random bursts of anger - car rage for example so I took over driving!. Its a tough time, have you got someone to talk to? 💐

80s: thank you so much for your insight. i appreciate it. Just want to say how sorry I am about your husband having betrayed you like that, I can’t imagine how awful that was. I hope you have healed ok x 💐

Thanks Derry. Sorry for your loss 💐 it’s just an awful bloody thing, all this cancer business :( again - that is such good advice. I tend to do all the housework (I like doing it) and he does the shopping (I hate doing that!) but I will be sure to take care of that at the mo. You’ve got me thinking that I will also do little things like making sure the car is cleaned and has petrol (he’s had to jump in that and fly off over the last few weeks). Thanks so much xx

Ilikewinter, thank you also for the guidance. I need it! All fab ideas, I will be sure to take over when needed and also be guided by him. I haven’t told anyone until today, but told my boss this afternoon and he cancelled my attendance at a few events next week and said if I need time off or to fly off anywhere, I can. Also, half an hour ago I told my small group of friends xx so…I think I do have some people I can talk to…I’m just so private but I know I’m possibly gonna have to get over that. One thing I am so thankful for….she has been out of it for so long…but she woke up for about 5 seconds today, she saw my partner and said his name :( I am just so happy (in a weird way) that she knows he is there and he got that from her. :( thanks so much again again xx

@starmazgirl1 we have been through this , my lovely MIL died from cancer 4 years ago. My DH and his mum had a lovely relationship he was always closer to her than his dad , there was never a cross word between them . My dh clammed up afterwards , didn't speak about her , barely answered his dad when he spoke of her , held it all in at the funeral and to some extent is still 4 years later holding it in which isn't good for him but I can't make him talk . I'm rambling now but all I can say is be there for him , hugs , just being with him but also give him space if you can sense he needs that too . It's hard , all the best x

Thank you so much mycat…I’m sorry for your loss. It’s just so unfair, cancer. I’m sorry you and your partner had to go through this. It’s awful to wake up with this feeling of dread, knowing he might lose her. I know we all have to go through this as part of life, losing parents. I never thought I’d be like this, all the anxiety I have is mostly because I’m thinking about him going through this heartbreak. I wish I could protect him from it. Last night, I was surprised when he said, “I’m not going to lie…I’m not OK…I’m doing alright but I had to leave the room and cry today….I can’t say I’m ok when I’m not”. He has never said anything like that before…a tough man/closed book…so I said, “I don’t ever want you to disguise how you’re feeling…if you’re not OK, that is what I want to know”…he said he agreed. He said he felt guilty for having fallen out with his Mum in the past…I started to try and brush over this by saying, “everyone falls out…she knows you’re there…your mum knows you love her etc etc”. He interrupted and said, “it is what it is…those are feelings I have and I’m going to face them head on”…so that was so helpful to know from him and has given me some insight into how I can best support him.
Thank you so much to you and the other lovely ladies on here!
Xxx

What a lovely, insightful, mutually considerate conversation.

@Ilikewinter @starmazgirl1 how did you manage it?

im curious as I'm going through the exact same thing right now (I know this post is old). I'm worried about our relationship as he's isolated himself for 6 months with no affection or intimacy and we've lost how close we are although I can't imagine the fear he has and heartbreak.