Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

To move far away or not to move after separation

10 replies

canary19 · 16/02/2023 14:30

Hi, I've been separated for 3 years now and I am in a lovely new relationship with a guy, we talk about the future and he wants us to live with each other. He has one child and I have one daughter of 11 years old. The problem is we live 2 hours away from each other. My daughter sees her father 50% of her time and the other with me. She will start secondary school in September. I'm concerned that if we move after she has started secondary school she will miss her friends and it will be disruptive. Also can I move her away from her father and is it fair on her and him to do so? But if I don't move before then have I lost my chance of living with my new partner and am I destined to drive 2 hours back and forth until she is 18??!! My ex was pretty controlling and toxic to me and my older son when we lived with him, so I imagine he will say I can't do any of this. Also my new partner is unable to move near me as he has his business there and his ex will try to stop him from seeing his daughter if he moves away. Does anybody have experience or advice for me please? xx

OP posts:

icefishing · 16/02/2023 14:33

I don't see how moving is any more possible for you than it is for your partner.
In fact given your shared care arrangements it seems less possible for you.
Does your DP think you should be the one moving?

Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 14:34

How long have you been seeing him? I wouldn’t contemplate it unless I was sure it was an established relationship incase it didn’t work out and then I’d messed my daughter around. I’m in a new relationship but my youngest is 15. My bf lives 35-40 mins away but I wouldn’t move at this stage of her education. So it will be commuting for a few years. I’d consider moving in with him once she had gone to Uni

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/02/2023 14:35

Ime if you do move you will be doing all the travel for dd to do 50/50 with her df... No bf is worth such an arrangement.

aSofaNearYou · 16/02/2023 14:36

icefishing · 16/02/2023 14:33

Agree with this. And how often does your DP have his daughter?

xfan · 16/02/2023 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 16/02/2023 15:27

i think if your daughter sees her dad 50% of the time he could easily get a prohibitive steps order to stop her moving , he can't stop you moving
your DP also has the exact same reasons for not moving he would see his child less and he has a business there. I think either you give up relationship or it stays long distance for 6 years but both sets of children and their relationships with both sets of parents should be prioritised even both moving to a place in the middle puts you an hour away from the other parents is rubbish just an hour from everything that matters
are you prepared for DD to spend most of her time with her Dad and see you EOW and half holidays ( which as she gets older she won't want to do as you are not where her friends are) if you are not then stay put

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 15:37

Would you be okay with your ex moving 2 hours away, changing DD’s school and expecting you to be the non resident parent so he could pursue a new relationship and prioritise his love life over your shared child?

Move if you want to but don’t take your child away from her father. He probably wouldn’t agree to it anyway and why on Earth should he.

Whatever the issues between you he’s been an involved enough parent to have equal care of DD and your suggestion that ends to accommodate your new boyfriend is outrageous.

80s · 16/02/2023 16:03

My ex was pretty controlling and toxic to me and my older son when we lived with him, so I imagine he will say I can't do any of this.
If he does prevent you from doing it, that wouldn't be controlling.
My dp's ex tried to move away with their daughter, and he took legal steps to stop her doing so. He still has her 50/50.
When my mum moved away from my dad, he did not try to stop her. I only saw him in the holidays. I can't say I thank him for that. It makes me wonder why he didn't fight for me more - didn't he care?

newwings · 16/02/2023 22:02

You won't be allowed to move above a single number mile radius if your ex goes to court.

Opentooffers · 16/02/2023 22:43

Your BF should know why its hard to move then as you are in the same boat, but somehow it's you moving? Do you currently commute more to see him, or does he come to yours an equal amount? From what you say, it looks like you do the majority, which is not a good balance.
The fairest option would be for both of you to live equidistant from your respective ex's. Right now, you are taking all the upheaval and all the risk for a new relationship- if he means to be with you, he should be willing to share the burden.
Consider how much your BF is expecting you to do and how much is he nudging you about it. It's quite possible that your BF could also have some controlling tendencies - they go for women who are too eager to please rather than stand up to them. Could it be a pattern repeat?

Flip