Next steps - advice please

[Notagain6526]

Recently separated after discovery of affair - not first time. I have 3 small children.

Everything I read is saying get to a solicitor. Now I've taken initial advice and it's all pretty scary and seems to be 50/50. Ex is currently staying with his sister and saying he will continue to pay the bills etc. Do I sit tight and continue for this to happen because as I see it if I go down route of getting official seperation agreement with solicitor it will action things quicker I.e 50/50 split of finances etc.

Am I missing something? Should I be doing anything else at this stage.

I'm sorry your in this position. I separated from my ex after 15years then discovered the affair.

It really depends on many factors. The first question being if you are married.

If you are, then I would suggest instructing mediation and moving along with divorce process.

50/50 is a starting point. Then considerations are made for who is the primary carer of the children, who has earning potential, then assets/savings and pensions and any liabilities eg debt.

If you are an unmarried couple, it depends on how you own the house, either joint tenants on tenants in common. The way in which you own will be crucial. Joint tenants 50/50 unless you want to raise a TOLATA case which is costly and lengthy. There will be negotiations on how you want to split equity and whether one can afford to take on a large enough mortgage to pay the existing loan plus the sum to buy the other party out.
Tenants in common will already have the ownership split. For example of one of you put down a £50k deposit that could be ring fenced. Liabilities and assets will not be considered in an unmarried couples pot

Thanks very much for your reply.

We are married. I'm probably not emotionally ready to speak about access to children mainly as they are so young- baby being 1. I hate idea of me having time away from them, this hasn't happened before. He's not pushing it and currently seeing them once week in our home. Hes gaslightening in terms of when I want to speak about financial matters he says I'm too emotional 🙄 and when I'm able to have a proper discussion etc.

I know he's just hoping I take him back - that won't ever happen.

To get some peace in my head as its all so overwhelming I'm thinking just sit tight while he pays the bills and wait until he brings up he no longer will do this but my logical part of brain is thinking I need to take control before then. Is there any danger in waiting and when he starts to say about selling house etc then I can take advice from solicitor? If the outcome will be the same I.e 50/50 split financially then surely waiting is better in the interim.

I'm also in Scotland and from what I read everything is 50/50. Which as Partime mum leaves me at a disadvantage from offset.

Child access and the financial aspect divorce are separate entities so try to get in the habit of mentally keeping them apart.

My daughter was 15mos when we separated so I know that pain and I've only just recently managed to go to over nights (she's 2 1/2 now). It took longer because he walked away.

There's absolutely no harm in waiting, but my advice would be to use this period of goodwill to get everything prepared so you are not blindsided when the inevitable happens. I suspect your (ex)DH is amicable at the moment as he has a desire to reconcile. Eventually there will be a conversation where you will have to make it clear that is not an option. He will not pay the bills and mortgage indefinitely so I would be preparing for that.

In my experience, even the most amicable divorce/separation can turn acrimonious overnight. I would definitely get as much information together regarding your finances as part of the marriage and yours alone. Payslips, pension statements, mortgage statements, loans etc. A full picture of your financial affairs. Also start considering your housing options, do you work, can you buy out? If you sell where can you afford?

I understand him coming to see the children in the family home, I did the same in the beginning but my experience tells me this can't and won't continue so plans need to be made for that. Fixed times and regular days.

Whilst the bills are being paid, this could constitute maintenance but consider what you will be receiving once this stops. Any claims for universal credit if you are on low income.

Im not sure at all on Scottish legislation, it may be vaguely similar or wildly different.

Really appreciate yoy replying. Thank you for this.

Sorry you have experienced breakup too especially with young baby.

I agree and I'm expecting a change when he realises there's no going back.

I work part time, he's full time with decent salary. We would need to sell the house. I feel I'm at the detriment of his decision regarding what he will give "extra" when it comes to child manintence and share of equity in the house because from what I've read and one convo with solicitor its all 50/50.

Regarding the paperwork - I don't have access to any of this but I'm I being silly of not thinking there's nothing he can hide come time where things are split? I.e he's paid a salary so it's documented with hmrc. His pension statements must be traceable. Are there things I'm not thinking of?

Regarding the children, did you both agree to wait got overnights or is this something you had to push that you didn't want to happen?

I selfishly with my ex would just vanish. He's caused so much hurt. Thanks again for replying.

Ah read again. Paperwork on my side. Yes I will do this. X

I'm really not clear on Scottish law and I'd hate to give you any misleading advice. I know under English law you can request full financial disclosure and he would need to declare everything.

Again, not clear on Scottish law/legislation (I would be surprised if everything is 50/50 because of the children's act). I would hazard a guess that 50/50 would be the starting point but really not sure. I would suggest planning on the 50/50 split and the basic child maintenance (there's a calculator on line if you know his income). If you're part time you may also be entitled to some benefits so worth looking at that along with the possibility of increasing your hours.

I didn't need to push to wait for overnights regarding the children, my ex walked away entirely and didn't see them at all for 6 months. There are safeguarding concerns with his now partner (was OW) and they have a volatile relationship so I ensure all contact is supervised by ex's mother.

I also want my ex to disappear, ignoring he exists is the next best thing!

That's great thanks. It's gave me some food for thought. Especially about child access and financial aspects separate. It's all so scary just now.

I never brought babies into this world to then spend days away from them especially when they are so little.

I'll sit tight a bit longer. I too am trying everyday to pretend ex doesn't exist.

Thanks again for your replies.

I felt exactly the same. I didn't have them to share them. At the same time, I love them more than I hate him, and they are entitled to spend time with their father.

My son is 8 1/2 and I am under no illusions that within the next 18 months he won't bother with his children so much