Difficult Mother-in-law

[NewMumLA]

My baby is 4 months old and was in the NICU after birth for 2 weeks. My mother in law has 10 children so considers herself the authority on everything: ours is the first grandchild. With respect, her youngest is 16 years old and even in 16-17 years advice on pregnancy etc has changed and a lot of her views are outdated (her oldest is 40 years old). This has meant when I’ve asked her for advice on different things I’ve sometimes taken her recommendations, and equally I sometimes have chosen to do something else. I’ve been trying so hard to make her feel included ever since I became pregnant, but she’s been so difficult to deal with. Before I got pregnant, I had a wonderful relationship with her for 10+ years and as soon as it was announced I was expecting her behaviour became cold and distant. Even in the moment where my husband and I told her the happy news, she could barely say congratulations, which was very odd but we put it down to shock - the baby wasn’t a planned pregnancy although my husband and I have been together 11 years and married 3 years. At the time, my brothers and sisters-in-law said they thought her behaviour was because she’d had miscarriages before and had difficult births with 3 of her children, so she was cautious for us (though this was speculation on their behalf as she’s never said that’s the reason for her behaviour).

At around 20 weeks pregnant, she had an enormous attack at me, which for me came out of nowhere: claiming I was disrespecting her in multiple ways (ways which, I promise, were unfounded though in hindsight I had made two comments over as many months that could have been seen as insensitive and for which I had apologised for profusely at the time). During this attack, she said she had zero empathy for me as she’d had a husband in a war zone when she was pregnant with her first and I ‘had it easy’. I don’t have a mum (I’m estranged from my biological mum due to child abuse), so this was hard to hear, as I’d come to see her as a mother figure; we were that close. I had thought she’d be more on our side and that I could share anything with her without judgement.

I have just got over that attack, which was really hard as it came from nowhere and was so personal, but here’s where things get worse. Everything had been resolved and forgiven on both sides, she repeatedly said she respected any decisions we might make with our child etc and all was fine. Only it’s now come to light that for all the months after this incident she’s been saying awful things about me to my siblings-in-law including repeated speculation on how shit a mother I’m likely to be. None of this criticism seems to have been put to my husband, her son, just me. What’s worse: when our child almost died in the NICU it appears these comments only continued. Which means when I was WhatsApping her updates on her first grandchild’s health, she was bad mouthing me and saying how crap a mother I was behind our backs: only hours and days into my role as a mum. It’s hugely upset me.

She babysat for our child the other day, (it was the first time both my husband and I went out without our baby), and wouldn’t sterilise our baby’s bottle for a second feed as she said I’d ‘banned her’ from doing so. This wasn’t true, I’d said she wouldn’t need to sterilise anything as the bottle was already sterilised and I’d only expected our baby to need one feed and not two as we were only out for 3.5 hours. It’s a faff sterilising things and we only had the one bottle packed, I thought by saying she wouldn’t have to sterilise it I was doing her a favour. It feels like she deliberately misinterpreted what I said so she could put me to my siblings-in-law in a negative light. Why would I have objected to her sterilising a bottle? It’s just absurd. I am constantly walking on eggshells as any comment or gesture I make is getting twisted wildly out of context. Our baby rolled over and his head was on the hard floor at her house, because I picked him up and put him on a rug that warranted a day of silent treatment even though I would do the same literally anywhere, as any parent would!

She lives 2.5 hours away but she’s due to come and babysit for a whole evening in April so my husband and I can go out and celebrate his birthday and I really want to cancel. I do not feel comfortable having her babysit knowing she’s bad mouthing me like this, at times I know this has happened in front of my baby (not that our baby can understand but it’s just nasty to go out knowing that’s going on). Tip toeing around her just seems stupid and I don’t want it to set a precedent: when we visited her last she washed our baby’s clothes (which was kind) but then put them in the dryer and they’ve shrunk and are not useable. My husband had to ask her to take them out of the dryer because I didn’t want to be seen as criticising her as I’m trying to keep out of her way. But for the sake of being nice it’s meant we’ll need to buy more clothes now for only 3 months wear.

My husband and I have talked about it a lot, he has thankfully seen her behaviour on our last visit and knows none of this nastiness is coming from me. But what to do? She’s so stubborn I don’t see an apology on the horizon. And even if she did apologise, she’s really broken my trust in her as an ally. I don’t want her not to have a relationship with her grandson as a punishment, but equally she’s shown me zero respect as the mother to her grandson. We’re only 4 months in, I do not want to endure years of this. It’s important to note she doesn’t know I know all the nasty things she’s said about me behind my back, she most likely thinks I’m acting a bit distant atm because of stupid reasons like her misunderstanding me about the sterilising etc. I really want to cancel as it all feels too raw and upsetting but we also don’t have anyone else who could babysit and frankly my husband and I deserve a night to ourselves! Could we relax though knowing she’s sat at home with our son after all of this? Confronting this head on seems like it will worsen things permanently… has anyone been in a similar position and what would you do? I don’t want to throw my siblings-in-law under the bus by repeating what they’ve told me to her. I would really like to salvage a positive relationship with her for everyone’s sake, but it’s her own actions that have led us here and I just don’t understand why she’s behaving in this way. Any thoughts/advice welcome!

She is mean if she wants her grandson she must respect you

Distance from her, hire a sitter locally, you have plenty of time to suss out someone you're comfortable using and it's always a good idea to have someone nearby that you trust. Your mil is behaving very odd considering you had a good relationship prior to getting pregnant, she obviously has some deep issues but they are her issues, not yours. Just try forget about her, if she continues to behave as she is it might be a good idea for your dh to let her know that his siblings have told you what she's been saying.

She was THE Mother and now you are, she is insanely jealous that any attention may be on you. Did she ever have a career ? My MIL was odd around DS. She gave up working at a very young age and her entire life was given forth to parenting and she didn’t do much else until she got divorced and had to work. I had a massive row one Christmas, she treated me far better after that. I’m not suggesting you do and I’m not confrontational so it was awful.

You will never win here as it’s weirdness in her head.

Yep hire a babysitter - check out apps like Bubble to find someone. Hire someone for an hour when you’re in the house first so you can get comfortable with them before leaving them alone with your baby for the evening. You have plenty of time to sort this and standing on your own two feet like this will take away the stress of feeling beholden to her. It might cost the same as having a meal out, so if that’s too much, pay for a babysitter and go out for a drink instead - the important thing is getting quality time together away from the baby, not so much what you do with the time.

About MiL - it might a power play thing that she’s not conscious of. You’ve threatened her position in her son’s life by getting pregnant. Now you’re the most important in her son’s life and, clearly being an emotionally immature person, she can’t cope with that so lashes out in jealousy/anger. Tale as old as time. Be clear with her that you want her to be part of your lives but that you won’t stand for her behaviour. Tell her with gentleness and without any blame that she needs to respect that you and DH and your baby are separate people with your own needs and preferences, and to have a functional relationship everyone needs to be respected. What she does from there is her look out.

You don’t have to do anything - that’s an action you could take.

Don’t call her. Don’t reach out.

What you do need to do is get some therapy because your mother in law is an evil bitch and your baby isn’t safe with her.

You have no relationship with her. That relationship died when she was an awful piece of work behind you’d back.

Do we have the same mil? So
Similar it's scary. Got on perfectly well then it all turned when I got pregnant. I can do nothing right. When my husband does something she doesn't like it's my fault. She's just so negative. I'm just keeping my distance. If she contacts me I'll make the effort to visit but there's nothing atm. Quite peaceful actually.

I agree with the PP who said that your MIL is completely invested in being THE mother - ten kids, good grief - and is furious that you have now usurped her role with your new baby.
It’s interesting that her criticisms of you all relate to you “ being a shit mother” - an obvious attempt to discredit you in what was her starring role.
She needs therapy, OP. She needs to adjust to her new role as granny, not mum. But I think if you tried to gently explore that with her, she would deny it and go ballistic.

Thanks for the comments - some really helpful suggestions in here. Interesting to hear views on how she saw herself as ‘THE mother’, and yes agree that she’s struggling to adapt to the role as grandparent. Interestingly during the pregnancy when we asked her what she wanted to be called (granny, nanna, grandma etc) she said she ‘didn’t care what we called her’ which my husband found very hurtful but we didn’t let on that we were upset at her lack of interest. I left it to him to discuss with her what she wanted to be called, ‘grandma’ was eventually decided on but after our last visit she suddenly says she hates ‘grandma’ and wants to be called ‘nanna’ after previously insisting she didn’t want to be ‘nanna’, which was the name of her mother-in-law who she didn’t get on with! We found it a really weird U-turn but she seems to be calling herself grandma again so I’ve chosen to ignore the comment and not refer to her as anything right now. Leaving that one up to my husband to discuss with her down the line if needed! Also I hadn’t heard of that babysitting app, very new to all of this (and mumsnet!) I will give it a try, thank you.

Like PP, I think she has a kind of Uber-mother complex. Having 10 children is a pretty extreme thing to do.

Have you discussed with your DH the possibility of him telling your MIL that you know what she’s saying to his siblings? That might bring things to a head in a way that’s painful but quite helpful in the long run. It might allow a re-set.

I would be having very little to do with her and make that clear to your dh. She really does sound spiteful and unhinged and I wouldn't trust her around your baby. She may have been The Mother but her time is over now, she wants to spoil that for you and your dh. How spiteful. I wouldn't be pandering to her either, she's counting on that to keep being nasty. Your dh needs to call her out on it.

Wow she sounds completely spiteful. Imagine criticising a worried new mother whose baby was in NICU! Awful woman.

This must really hurt, especially after you thought you were so close for all these years. You becoming a mother has obviously triggered her in a 'She can't be a mother, I AM THE ONE AND ONLY MOTHER!' kind of vibe. It's definitely a Her problem though, not a You problem.

I would suggest going very low contact with her. Don't leave your baby alone with her; she's already proven that she'll play stupid passive aggressive games about the baby's bottles. Try to find a local babysitter you can trust.

Try not to let her judgements and criticisms get to you. They're all 100% about her own insecurities and fears, it's not about you at all and I'm sure your siblings in law don't believe the rubbish she tells them. Sad that she's ruining her relationship with you, her grandchild and her son but that's her cross to bear.

It was all fine when you weren’t competition for her but now you’re also a mum, you now know ‘stuff’ that she knows and she doesn’t like it. She needs to be the only one. It’s her thing. She’ll end up doing this to all her daughter-in-laws, sniping behind their backs about their mothering skills and probably boss her daughters around and make their lives a misery. They’ll all be ‘shit mothers’. Silly woman, as she’ll alienate her own children.

its good your husband sees it. Definitely hire a babysitter. As she is so nasty about you, I’d start doing my own thing. You can’t trust her unfortunately to not drip poison in your baby’s ear when he’s old enough to listen.

It’s a pity, but this is on her, not you.

You cannot have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. If she is too difficult/abusive/toxic for YOU to deal with it’s the same deal for your child.

She is untrustworthy and as such should never visit your house ever again. She’s already playing passive aggressive games with baby bottles and your child’s clothes and those will get further ruined if you give her access to your home. You’d be daft frankly to keep her in your lives. Such people never apologise nor accept and responsibility for their actions. The woman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, she fooled you long enough into thinking she was nice when in reality she’s always been as she is now.

do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward

I am a gran. Two boys here. Your MIL is out of order. If she is struggling with becoming a nan, after all her children, dont know but it might be stress?

When my DD was expecting l was delighted, i loved overseas thpugh but have moved closer, in fact l am sat watching over my younger grandaon as we speak as both parents are at work.

I was really nervous as a gran to start with, l feared l would not bond as l had been so far away when the first one was born, but scared as well as l was not sure really how things would fit. New roles for everyone. Do you think your MIL is feeling out of place? So is treating you this was, thinking you dont kbow, and mat need you more than you think? That in her weird childish manner she is wanting togetherness with your Lil family?

Grandmasword, did you miss the bit in the OP where the MIL had been calling OP a shit mother to all her relatives? How exactly is that “wanting togetherness”?

Do you belong to any Mother and Baby Groups OP?
When I belonged to one years ago we would help each other out with babysitting on a "knock for knock" basis as many of the members did not have family etc living nearby.
FWIW your MIL is behaving oddly I would be over the moon if any of my DIL's produced a grandchild (which is unlikely) Don't dwell on it, give her a wide berth and hopefully with time she will get over it, possibly when your DH's siblings start providing more grandchildren.