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Original poster

What happened to my self respect?

13 replies

QueenOf1969 · 16/02/2023 11:23

I’ve been seeing a guy for several months now, we met online and had instant chemistry that I’ve never felt before in my life!
He said he felt the same but was very upfront that due to his job and family commitments he didn’t have a lot of time and dates were really hard to plan as he travels all week and has his kids at weekend. I understood the limitations and we carried on getting to know each other, messaging every day, video calling several times an evening and actual dates when his work brought him to my locality.
I understood he didn’t want to introduce his kids to someone new until it became serious, so weekends were a write off.

Recently the video calls have reduced as have actual dates, and I feel like I’m always initiating contact but when I do, he’s responsive and chatty over messages, but rarely messages first. Just after Christmas I called him out on this and asked directly if he was losing interest and wanted to call it a day - he was adamant that he didn’t, that he was in love with me - but nothing has changed!

I know I need to put my big girl pants on and end this, but I can’t seem to find my self respect and raise my bar high enough to actually do it - it’s so amazing when we are together, I can’t seem to let go of the dream!

How do I find the strength to do it 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
EltonJohnsSunglasses · 16/02/2023 11:26

Do you think there is a chance he is actually married and that explains the lack of commitment/availability?

Original poster
QueenOf1969 · 16/02/2023 11:43

It is something I’ve thought about, but he has taken and made FaceTime calls at home - and not always planned, but it’s not something I can totally rule out. There doesn’t seem to be evidence of a woman living there from what I could see! He’s not very active on social media, but on his accounts there’s no evidence of a wife/partner, he’s happy that we follow each other and he’s not secretive with his phone when we are together.

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 16/02/2023 11:47

Hold on...have you ever been to his house??

Original poster
QueenOf1969 · 16/02/2023 11:56

Yes I’ve picked him up there once and he invited me in for coffee.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 12:14

Some men aren’t great communicators. My bf isn’t a big messager and it’s something I’ve had to get used to. It’s a similar situation in dates aren’t all the time as he has kids 100% so needs a babysitter. He is definitely single, I’ve been to his house and knew him before hand. I guess it depends if you can put up with this in the early months, until it’s suitable to introduce him to his kids and be more involved in his life. It’s been 3 months for me, but I have a busy life anyway so I am ok with it, as it’s not forever. But if you’re not happy with that, then best to call it a day

NCMum79 · 16/02/2023 12:15

So, once for coffee in several months? I know you say he travels in the week but something is very up with this. Also...Every weekend with his kids? That's quite rare in co parenting...That means his ex only sees her kids after school? No quality time? I mean, i'd end it but myself i'd be curious enough to check his story. Like go there mid week and see if his car is there. Or check the records online for the address, usually it will say who occupies the house.

Fuckstix · 16/02/2023 13:39

I wouldn't start sleuthing. Not for the sake of a few months' fling. Easier to take him at his word and take it in the chin. He's not available for a relationship other than pretty much online. You gave it a go as he seems a nice bloke but it isn't fulfilling your needs. No harm done. Keep looking.

Oblomov23 · 16/02/2023 13:59

Sounds dodgy. But even if it isn't, he doesn't have any time for you, no time for a relationship. How is this relationship going to develop? How often are you actually meeting? Now? How often are you actually having sex. And in the future? How often will you see each other? The fact is he doesn't have any time for a relationship. He doesn't have any time for anyone, not just you but for any partner. so how is it going to work longterm? have you actually asked him that?

Bun1 · 16/02/2023 17:39

You’re feeling as though you’re doing the running and you’re needs aren’t being met - it’s not something that tends to go away or get better. I’d say either you settle and accept you’ll always be doing the running with this man, forevermore, or, you decide not to settle. Right now you’re in limbo hoping it will miraculously get better, all I can tell you is, it won’t.

Channellingsophistication · 16/02/2023 17:43

It seems somewhat unusual for a man to have his children every single weekend.

It sounds like he may well be in a relationship already, but either way he doesn’t sound very available….

dreammattemousse · 16/02/2023 17:46

You deserve so much more

Livelifelaughter · 16/02/2023 18:23

I think I would ask him if this pattern will end and then decide. It's normal to want to spend time together. Do you think you really are dating or seeing each other as friends when you do see each other ?

FinallyHere · 16/02/2023 18:27

Well, I understand that it is hard to give up the thrill of messaging but...

I earnestly encourage you to stop wasting your time with him. Just don't contact him again.

Turn your focus inwardly towards your self. Be lovely towards yourself. What would you like to have done for you. Do that.

It's not easy but it's very, very simple. Rip off the plaster and get on with your life.

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