Advice ref a gossipy friend

CrystalCoco · 2023-02-16T08:40:40+00:00

I have a close friend who, as the title suggests, loves nothing more than to gossip about other people. No one is off limits (which I have no doubt will include me behind my back too) For various reasons I still enjoy spending time with this friend, and we share some common interests - so going 'no contact' isn't what I want to do. What I am looking for advice on is how to shut her down (politely) when she starts to gossip? A couple of key phrases to use on repeat until she gets the message. Nothing abrasive please.

Cherryana · 16/02/2023 08:48

Ahh that’s interesting but I don’t really want to talk about them when they aren’t here - change subject

Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 08:55

Cherryana · 16/02/2023 08:48

Ahh that’s interesting but I don’t really want to talk about them when they aren’t here - change subject

Thanks @Cherryana I like that, I'll try to keep a stash of potential subject changers up my sleeve to move the conversation on 👌

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JamJarJane · 16/02/2023 08:56

How about 'I've made a late new year's resolution to stop gossiping so I'm going to resist the temptation to join in with this'. It makes it about you rather than a direct criticism of her, but should get the point across quite quickly.

Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 09:11

JamJarJane · 16/02/2023 08:56

How about 'I've made a late new year's resolution to stop gossiping so I'm going to resist the temptation to join in with this'. It makes it about you rather than a direct criticism of her, but should get the point across quite quickly.

I like that too @JamJarJane thanks
Hopefully it'll stop her in her tracks and make her think about not doing it again in future too.

I need to say something, she knows I don't like gossip but she still does it.

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SwishSwipe · 16/02/2023 09:22

It depends on how resistant the friend is - definitely try the above first.

If that doesn't work you may need to be a bit more abrasive 'Why are you telling me this?'; 'Tell me your news - Kate can tell me hers when I see her' ;'I didn't want/need to know that'; 'Do you think Kate would want people knowing this?'; 'I feel uncomfortable discussing this behind their back'; 'I don't want to discuss Kate - how was...'

With one friend I meet pre-armed with several conversation ideas/interjections that aren't about other people, so I can quickly change the subject. I also made sure to never discuss or barely mention anyone else either (including my own family).

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2023 09:41

I think your friend will see these attempts as rebuffs and may not connect the various examples together to understand that you don't like her involving you in gossip.

So maybe you need to tell her straight, if you want to save the friendship. Maybe she doesn't realise how much she does it and how uncomfortable it makes you and you should just tell her.

I had a friend like this who was fun and sociable, but regularly at some stage in the evening she would start on the gossip track and ask you a gossip referring question eg "Do you think Mabel was out of line yesterday?" I'd say. "I don't know I hadn't heard about that so I can't comment." "Well she definitely was because xyz." Even though I was uncomfortable and tried to shut it down, she'd then keep asking "What do YOU think." adding extra circumstances etc... eventually I'd hear back that she'd added my "segment" to her story.. "and by the way Duckbilled agrees with me etc" "Well Duckbill says..." The more I noticed, the harder it was to spend time with her. I think its a form of lying. Gossip was her currency, it was how she organised her friendships and ultimately, that is not pleasant to be around.

Watchkeys · 16/02/2023 09:55

Why do you need to say anything? Whenever she says anything you don't want to talk about, just stay silent, or say 'Let's talk about something else.'

Leave it with her to come up with subject matter.

If you've told her you don't like gossip and she's not respecting your clearly stated boundary, why are you calling her a friend? She might be someone you like to spend time with, but friends respect each other. You're not respecting what she wants to do when you spend time together, and she's not respecting what you want to do.

CaponeOnTax · 16/02/2023 10:32

You maybe need to accept that it is just her, but definitely never feed it or comment along. People don’t change and if she is fun then maybe that’s just the trade-off.

I love gossipy friends - I just have to be so careful with what I say as 100% they are gossiping about me.

Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 11:15

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2023 09:41

I think your friend will see these attempts as rebuffs and may not connect the various examples together to understand that you don't like her involving you in gossip.

So maybe you need to tell her straight, if you want to save the friendship. Maybe she doesn't realise how much she does it and how uncomfortable it makes you and you should just tell her.

I had a friend like this who was fun and sociable, but regularly at some stage in the evening she would start on the gossip track and ask you a gossip referring question eg "Do you think Mabel was out of line yesterday?" I'd say. "I don't know I hadn't heard about that so I can't comment." "Well she definitely was because xyz." Even though I was uncomfortable and tried to shut it down, she'd then keep asking "What do YOU think." adding extra circumstances etc... eventually I'd hear back that she'd added my "segment" to her story.. "and by the way Duckbilled agrees with me etc" "Well Duckbill says..." The more I noticed, the harder it was to spend time with her. I think its a form of lying. Gossip was her currency, it was how she organised her friendships and ultimately, that is not pleasant to be around.

Yes! This is exactly what she tries to do, tries to draw me into the gossiping by asking what I think - sometimes it's not even people I know that she's talking about 😆

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Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 11:16

CaponeOnTax · 16/02/2023 10:32

You maybe need to accept that it is just her, but definitely never feed it or comment along. People don’t change and if she is fun then maybe that’s just the trade-off.

I love gossipy friends - I just have to be so careful with what I say as 100% they are gossiping about me.

I like the 'finger on the pulse' of her nature, you find out lots of local news (actual news not gossip) which is great, just gotta take the good with the bad I guess

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Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 11:17

SwishSwipe · 16/02/2023 09:22

It depends on how resistant the friend is - definitely try the above first.

If that doesn't work you may need to be a bit more abrasive 'Why are you telling me this?'; 'Tell me your news - Kate can tell me hers when I see her' ;'I didn't want/need to know that'; 'Do you think Kate would want people knowing this?'; 'I feel uncomfortable discussing this behind their back'; 'I don't want to discuss Kate - how was...'

With one friend I meet pre-armed with several conversation ideas/interjections that aren't about other people, so I can quickly change the subject. I also made sure to never discuss or barely mention anyone else either (including my own family).

Thanks for these suggestions too @SwishSwipe lots of good ideas for me to work with going forward

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Pseudonamed · 16/02/2023 11:47

i hate gossips. Hate them. When anyone tries to draw me in I just put the hand up and say 'not today satan'. If queried I will say I am not a fan of discussing people behind their backs. Usually stops them.

Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 11:48

Pseudonamed · 16/02/2023 11:47

i hate gossips. Hate them. When anyone tries to draw me in I just put the hand up and say 'not today satan'. If queried I will say I am not a fan of discussing people behind their backs. Usually stops them.

LOL "not today satan" I'm banking that one 😂

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Pseudonamed · 16/02/2023 11:51

Works with teenagers too lol - not so much dogs....

GoldenCupidon · 16/02/2023 11:59

"Not today satan" 😂

If you see her after Tuesday you can tell her you've sworn off gossiping for Lent, and after easter you can say you preferred it and just stop her with "Sorry Liz, you know I've given that up!" Not today satan would work even better after that. It also works as it's not a criticism.

But I do think changing the subject works so well too, lots of gossips are quite easily distracted! So if she starts you can just go "mmmm oh yes I was meaning to tell you, did you hear the co-op in town is closing down?" or "mmm did you watch XYZ show this week?" so she's still scratching her newsy itch but not being personal.

280NeuerNamen · 16/02/2023 12:20

I have a friend like this and our friendship was waxed and waned over a long period. I have realised though that when I don't enjoy her company is when she is gossiping or saying something not nice about other people. I have also realised that she does it to make herself feel better about her own life, which has not gone to plan, so that is sad. When kids were little she used to love comparing our kids and again I realised after the event that really she wanted something to be "better at" than me as on the outside view my life is pretty good, comfortably off, nice house, good marriage etc. She hasn't been so lucky.

It's a really difficult one as this friend needs my support for various reasons and I have tried to be good to her over the years, yet my enjoyment of the relationship is variable. I have found that having some things to talk about which don't relate to other people and also a couple of times I've said "oh no, that feels mean to talk about x, so we'll leave that" and then moved on.

ShakespearesBlister · 16/02/2023 12:50

You really need to be detached and seem disinterested or distracted and change subjects with people like this. Also be careful how much information you divulge.

Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 13:24

@ShakespearesBlister you're right there, I find it easier when I'm driving us somewhere so there's plenty of distractions, but when she's driving I feel trapped 😝
I'm a really private person so she doesn't get much out of me, DH on the other hand is mouth-almighty and I've had to point out to him several times that he needs to think before he speaks around her.

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Original poster

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 13:25

@GoldenCupidon So true that they're easily distracted, and if I can insert some excitement / exuberance into what I'm saying it really works to distract!

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GoldenCupidon · 16/02/2023 14:02

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 13:25

@GoldenCupidon So true that they're easily distracted, and if I can insert some excitement / exuberance into what I'm saying it really works to distract!

Yes think toddler!

2bazookas · 16/02/2023 14:38

" Do you gossip like that about my private stuff? "

angelcakebananabrain · 16/02/2023 15:22

Years ago I had a friend like this, he would talk about whoever wasn’t there during any get together. I have to also take some blame because I would get caught up in it (and so would whoever else was there at the time) and then later we’d all go home feeling really guilty and shit about ourselves. We were very young at the time so just got so swept up in it.

One day we got together in a group, and he said “let’s bitch!”

Another friend turned to him and said “let’s not!”

And that was it shut down!

SwishSwipe · 17/02/2023 13:46

Just coming back to this from the other side @CrystalCoco

This morning DH stopped me at the start of a minor gossip.

He just said 'ummmm' and then said he had noticed the buds were starting to come out on the trees and the bulbs starting to poke though.

Hardly ground-breaking I know but very effective. Completely stopped me. I guess I am open to being stopped though and was grateful for the reminder that this isn't who I want to be. Yesterday I was told a something that would constitute major gossip (directly - not via gossip) and I definitely wasn't going to tell him that so in comparison this didn't feel like gossiping - but it was.

Original poster

CrystalCoco · 18/02/2023 06:38

@SwishSwipe very effective! And good to see distraction in action - and working
I had a go at it and it worked, I just need to keep some distractions up my sleeve - and to remember that it's not me being rude by suddenly changing the subject, it's her gossiping in the first place.

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Original poster

CrystalCoco · 18/02/2023 06:38

@angelcakebananabrain love this!

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