Need help coping as a single parent

[Skinnymartini]

Name changed for this post. Sorry for the long post but dont want to drip feed.

In the middle of a divorce from my stbx after years of escalating abusive behaviour towards me. Social Services were involved since we have 2 young DC (5, 10) but not in touch anymore. Husband has moved abroad to live with his parents for the time being (both of us migrated to the UK several years ago).

I have no local family - actually, none in the country - but do have a fair number of friends- most of them very busy with their own lives (as is to be expected). I work full time in a high stress job, do have an after school nanny but also a revolving door as far as nannies go since most seem to leave every few months for full time roles.

It has now been 6 months since stbx moved away and while it has been bliss not having to tread on eggshells at home, it has been manic as a single parent with no downtime. I have had my mother visit me from abroad to help twice over this time but she cant stay long.

I have no confidence in being able to manage with DC. DC2 is a poor sleeper and co-sleeps with me which disturbs my already poor sleep. DC1 going through trauma since wants dad to spend time with her (in therapy for this). Both DC unhappy at their father leaving (they have spent some holidays with him since he left) and also seem to blame me for "kicking him out of the house" which he keeps claiming in his phone calls with them. DC1 remembers the abuse towards me but tries to push it out of their mind and even makes excuses for it.

Stbx hasnt worked in a number of years and has been living off savings. He blames me for everything bad that ever happened to him and that has continued (on phone) despite his regular claims of remorse and pleas to get me to withdraw the divorce. Basically a lot of lip service but not much change in behaviour that i can perceive. His parents do not communicate directly with me (except on email occasionally) and not supportive e.g. i have asked them to visit and stay with us but they dont want to.

I am renting and will struggle to buy where i would like to (because of school, work, transport links) on a single income mortgage. So i keep bleeding rent. I feel overwhelmed all the time and just want to give up and hibernate. Also very peri menopausal and am about to start HRT which, although may help in the long run, wont impact soon.

There are weeks i am just hanging on till the weekend. But since I have no childcare on the weekend, i am with DC all the time and find those exhausting as well. I would like to be able to share the burden of homework/ childcare / housework / cooking and I have encouraged their father to return and stay elsewhere in the city so he can pitch in, but he claims he wants to preserve his savings and cant return without a job, while also claiming that he misses the children a lot. Tbh he didnt do anything in the house but he did help manage the children and ferry them to activities.

At my wits' end and can't see any way out of this financial and personal mess. I feel my life has ended at least for the forseeable future while DC still young. I would love to think of being able to relax, sleep well again, potentially even meet someone else for companionship if nothing more, after years of an abusive marriage. but i have to prioritize the DC after work and can never step out once home from work. I feel i am locked in a prison at times. Stress and menopause induced insomnia means i also run on fumes most days. I tried CBT but it made me feel worse, if that is even possible. Cant work part-time since need the money.

In my darkest moments, i have even considered letting stbx return to our house to stay long term so that i can have some downtime (who am i kidding?) and see the kids feel happier with their dad.

How can i change how i manage, and how I feel?

Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to?
Would after school Club/child minder be cheaper than a nanny?

Have you considered counselling for yourself? I know you said you've tried cbt, but maybe just a talking therapy. Do you think you're depressed/anxious?

It's hard work being a single mum. It's also incredibly rewarding when they grow up and acknowledge everything you did for them.

There is a huge amount going on so it’s no surprise that you feel a bit overwhelmed. I get that it’s hard for the children but you have absolutely done the right thing for you and for them.

A couple of very practical suggestions:

Do you have a cleaner? If not get one - it’ll help massively with overall workload and how stressed you feel.

Do you have friends over in the evening? It might make you temporarily more tired but having some you-time will help a lot.

Do the kids have any weekend clubs? I know it’s tricky with the age gap but can you book them into swimming or football or something which would be nice for them and also give you a break for an hour.

Can you make dc2 sleep a priority. Talk to them about what it would take to get them sleeping in their own bed. Make a chart, buy some rewards, look up some techniques.

Do the kids have friends? Invite a few for weekend play dates and hope that you get a few reciprocate. Try and schedule them at the same time - I think a day to yourself on the sofa would be massively beneficial!

My personal advice would be not to try to date with a 5 year old. In a couple of years the situation will be very different, they’ll be older and more settled, you can go out in the evening more easily.

It tough being a single parent, really tough at times. I had no family nearby either, 4hrs drive for my parents and old school friends / sibling and ex’s parents only 15 miles but never helped with childcare. I used an after school club as couldn’t have afforded a nanny, I guess that at least means you don’t have to collect children on your way home and don’t need to rush out quite as early. Does she sort out their dinner? Mine often ate at the Afterschool club and had a school dinner so didn’t need me to cook a big evening meal in the week. That was a big help. Can nanny have the kids fed and bathed and ready for bed for when you get home? That would be a big help.

I found the weekends tough too, everyone’s busy with family stuff. No magic answers, but I got through, youngest is nearly 15 now and life’s a lot easier. Their dad worked overseas for most of the time we have been apart. In fact he’s still there, back soon and he’s going to have to step up and help at last. I didn’t have a relationship whilst they were young. I didn’t have time, nor a babysitter. By the time they were old enough to not need a babysitter covid hit, and it’s only now, 12yrs since we split that I’ve started dating someone.

Single mum here too... I had to tackle the sleeping issue for similar reasons. Block out a couple of nights to write off. Inform neighbours you will be sleep training. Then gently lead little one back to bed every single time, not saying a word (or if you do, something like 'good night'). It will be a difficult 2 nights but so worth it I promise!

Second idea is to get them both into Beavers/cubs/scouts if there's any in the area? Costs around £9 a month and they regularly take them away on camps!

I wouldn’t make the 5 year old sleep by herself right now with all the other changes that have happened.

Time flies by and before you know it the elder one will be more independent and in secondary school. The younger one will naturally sleep better when life is more settled etc.

Sounds to me like you’re doing really well but it’s an adjustment period for you all.

Do lazy things at the weekend with the children like movie afternoon and just chill with them.

The last thing you or the children need is another relationship so knock that idea on the head for now. Focus on your children.

I can relate to a lot of this and will reply fully later.

I'm going to go against others advise here and say if your ready to date why not. It doesn't have to involved your kids at all but the odd night out here and there might give u a break from relentless parenting.

I've made lots of friends from dating, and they all have experience of marital breakdown so can become a great support for you as they understand often what it's like.

Il reply to the other bits later but I do get it I'm a single mum to 4 and juggling all is really hard. Thier dad moved an hour away so still sees them but the day to day stuff is hard.

You've go this.

Things that help

working from home some days
lots of electronics and gadgets for kids (sorry !)
forge links with other single parents
finding a local babysitter so you can escape (I found on local Facebook page and did interviews and references )
SSRI
HRT
exercise
and time , things get way easier as secondary level
letting standards slip
dating can be fun and you meet new people and can escape time to time
therapy (online )
having their friends over to entertain them
sleepovers
write a list of activities you can do so you don’t have to think 🤔

it was brutal and took 3 years to feel
calmer (ish !)

no one tells you that when they tell you to LTB !

and of course it’s right but ….

self care also , look after your nutritions and exercise and hair and feel nice

In terms of the kids , divorce is huge for them
abusive or not they have lost a leg of their table and it’s all going to come out
let them rant and wail and make it feel safe

As an aside - are you planning to stay in the U.K. or return to your home country? There can be big limits on what you can do legally in terms of relocating if your ex wanted to oppose it, but your situation would make a good case for permission to return (if that's what you wanted).

Single mum here too. I feel your pain.

Thank you for your helpful suggestions.

I do have a cleaner. And the nanny starts an hour earlier and helps with a bit of tidying up and chopping veggies. Her skills dont extend to cooking - she is a student. I am looking into getting some help on weekends but with the current cost of living, am barely managing to balance books every month without dipping into savings intended for a house purchase. Frequent nanny changes (say once every 6 to 7 months) entail the added hassle of finding someone suitable.

I have lived and worked in the UK for nearly 20 years now - not currently looking to relocate and if I do, then not to my country of birth in South east Asia (same as stbx's, and where he lives at present). Admittedly life will be easier there - cheaper paid help if nothing else- but not in consideration.

Stbx has spent all of 20 days with the DC in the last 6 months, and that when i flew them to him and collected them. He is now fighting over how many of their holidays they will spend with him at his parents' - a 10 hours flight away. He claims he is looking for work with a view to move back to London (we are both naturalised British citizens) but given he has been out of work over 4 years and I doubt is trying very hard, I have no certainty in that happening. He does contribute to children's expenses.

It is just relentless. At some point i need to buy a house and get live in help which might make the situation easier. But au pairs aren't easy to find either any more, I believe. I am all for co-parenting but this is currently impossible with him being 10 hours away. I understand he would have more (and potentially negative) influence on the children if he was closer, but i have given up any semblance of feeling in control of my life anyway, i have to choose my battles.

What field of work are you in ?
the massive game changer for me is I now permanently wfh

I respect this might be not possible

but it’s a major major help

Strategy role in banking. I wfh 2 to 3 times a week but I actually like going into the office. I have never particularly enjoyed working from home. I feel more focused and productive in the office. it is also essential for me from a career development perspective, and is also a place to 'get away from home'! As it is, I limit my career options since can't travel on any overnight trips for work. While i understand wfh works well for many others, i wouldn't like to do any more than I do now.

Very similar situation here @Skinnymartini , and it is tough, some days I don't know how I manage and there are long periods where I feel completely overwhelmed...but somehow we just keep going don't we?!

What has helped most is working one day less each week, would this be possible for you? It gives me a small amount of me time (usually going for walk or a pilates class) and then the rest of it spent catching up/being my future friend by doing laundry and home admin whilst the house is quiet...which has made a bigger difference than I thought it would, as I feel more on top of things which reduces my stress levels.

Also I'm getting the DC to help more than they used to - they're growing up so it doesn't hurt to learn how to load/unload the dishwasher, put their laundry in the basket and then put it away once it's washed, feed the cat, lay the table and take stuff out to the kitchen after meals...all small things but it all helps.

Once a month I try to have their friends for the day - the house gets a bit trashed but I get some time to myself as they are occupied and enjoying themselves...and then their friends' mums reciprocate so I get most of a day to myself...a bonus is that they generally wear themselves out so they sleep better. I have also extended the school day with wraparound care some days.

To sum up, I deal with it by doing small things which add up to make a difference, as there is no one big thing that can change. I think the first thing is to find the tiniest bit of you time - sit and enjoy a coffee rather than haring around the kitchen trying to do stuff at the same time, and then see if you can stretch that time out into an hour each day, the world won't fall apart if the house is a mess or the dishes aren't done or the kids have beans on toast for tea, so look after yourself first and see if that helps. Hugs x

I can't afford to work a day less. My budget is very stretched as it is. It is relentless. I sometimes find myself resenting my children as well since they seem very needy. I understand that they need support - both in day to day life, as well as emotionally, since they hardly see their father. But it feels like the buck always stops with me. I also need support but have next to nothing and no one. I didnt ever think life would pan out this way and i feel jealous of the seemingly happy marriages I see around me. The loneliness is awful.

With older and more independent children, I could have some semblance of 'me time'. I had children later than many, so it will be several years before i can leave the younger one and step out. Childcare is just so expensive. Sitters where i live are now expecting to be paid £15 an hour.

You seem rather sad and hopeless right now and I get it

change and iteration is always possible and you need some HOPE

for example I found a local teen babysitter and I pay her £8 an hour

bit sounds like actually your MH needs some help as any change is almost impossible when your feeling so low ? Personally I’d start there and get some SSRI and therapy

I’ve had that lonely feeling trust me
bit I’ve had to attack my MH and I’m in a better place as that drives everything x