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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel if you found out Dp had gone behind your back?

15 replies

OldPrune · 15/02/2023 20:09

We are having a v difficult time with our next door neighbour. He is harassing us constantly - he's an aggressive bully and always has been. We had the front of our house painted (didn't touch theirs) and he wrote a 5 page complaint telling us he was going to sue for damage to his property, long lists of issues, some not even relating to the side of the house we painted.

We need some works done to our driveway and I just want this done as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

There is something we have been keeping up our sleeve that we can use against him but I agreed with dp that we would not inflame the situation till the driveway is done. This is mainly because he is a super angry person and it's just not worth winding him up.

I opened the iPad tonight to watch TV (Dp is away) and it's opened on an email where last week, after agreeing he wouldn't start the complaint, Dp has done the exact opposite. This has the potential to be quite explosive and it's something we explicitly agreed we would not do yet. Dp has 'form' for telling stupid white lies. He's not here tonight and I feel so pissed off. He's back tomorrow and I know it sounds ridiculous but I am genuinely questioning what the point of a relationship is if in front of me, he totally agrees with me (obviously to pacify me) then goes off and does something else clearly always intending to do so. I'm starting to wonder if I can actually believe anything he says if he behaves like this!

OP posts:

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/02/2023 20:10

Yeah you can't trust him. How can you have a partner you can't trust?

Original poster

OldPrune · 15/02/2023 20:14

Thanks yes that's how I feel. It's just so disrespectful. I don't think I can trust him. This plus the little white lies - as you say, I just can't see the point.

OP posts:

category12 · 15/02/2023 20:20

It's not ridiculous.

I had this with my ex - we'd do things like agree not to use a particular credit-card, and next thing you knew, he'd spent £300 on it. In the end I felt like it was no point talking to him about anything, because he'd pay lip-service and just do whatever anyway. You couldn't trust him to stick to anything.

Original poster

OldPrune · 15/02/2023 20:27

Yes that's exactly where I am @category12 . I just can't see the point in discussing anything with him anymore because what's the point. Paying lip service is exactly the phrase I was looking for!

I had a chat with dp about this last year and he promised and promised that he wouldn't tell any more lies and yet here we are...just totally pointless relationship now

OP posts:

Season0fTheWitch · 15/02/2023 20:31

If he has form for lying, told you he wouldn't lie anymore and then lies again, I'd be seriously questioning the relationship too. What else is he lying about? I think you should speak to him when he gets back. Especially considering he's done this inflammatory thing and you're in the house without him/alone?

Original poster

OldPrune · 15/02/2023 20:34

Yes will have it out with him when he's back. Just so infuriating.

OP posts:

flutterbyebaby · 15/02/2023 20:49

My grandad used to say he'd rather a thief to a liar, because you know where you are with a thief

tribpot · 15/02/2023 20:52

It's not a white lie - that would be something harmless or trivial. These are just lies. He's said one thing to you and done the opposite, knowing full well there could be serious repercussions.

Summer2424 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Hi @OldPrune i have a family member and my husband who do the same thing. Say one thing but do the exact opposite. I have been humiliated a few times. Sometimes i just want to cry. I keep going and saying 'it's ok' 😔 i don't know what i'm waiting for, maybe someone to really love me and who has my back 100%.
Sorry if i've gone on, just wanted you to know i totally hear you xx

Warspite · 15/02/2023 21:49

This lying business seems to be a man thing & I’ve been at the bitter end of it in a previous life. Sometimes stupid things like “oh there’s a cup missing. Have you broken a cup?” “No.” Then I find it in the bin. Often bigger things too but too much to re-tell here. In my experience they all do it. All of them.
It’s a really weird trait, so childish, especially when it’s something which could blow up.
You have my empathy OP. I hope it all works out with the neighbour and the works you're planning on your drive. As for your husband … good luck with that!

GoldDuster · 15/02/2023 21:54

I had a chat with dp about this last year and he promised and promised that he wouldn't tell any more lies and yet here we are

His lies are lies and his promises are lies, this would be the end of the road for me. If you can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth, your relationship will disintegrate as the communication is shot to peices at this point.

GreyCarpet · 16/02/2023 05:56

My ex husband lied about everything. From really trivial things such as the broken cup example given above to more serious financial things.

It hugely contributed to us breaking up in the end.

I used to use the story of the house built on sand vs rock to him. Being with someone who lies is like the house built on sand. No solid foundations and no ability to trust so you can't make plans etc. It came to the point where it wasn't worth talking to him about anything other than very superficial stuff. What the point when you're only going to hear lies anyway?

rwalker · 16/02/2023 06:28

Did he just agree with u in the first place for a quiet life
but really wanted to go ahead with complaint

perfectcolourfound · 16/02/2023 07:13

I totally get your frustration and anger. Without trust, there isn't a proper relationship. It's really basic. And the fact he does it continually, despite you having a conversation about it and him promising never to again..... see he was even lying when he made that promise.

(and you shouldn't have to explain to an adult that lying is wrong).

This isn't a 'white lie' either - it could have serious repercussions, and you needed to be prepared for them. Instead he's lit the touch paper and then left you home alone. That's not just a lie - that's setting you up for something really unpleasant.

And then there's the fact that when you're with a liar, you don't know what's lies and what isn't. So they could be lying about something tiny or something huge. So you never feel truly safe. Trust is all and you can't have trust with a habitual liar.

I have a female relative (to the pp, it isn't just men, and it definitely isn't all men) who lies habitually. I just assume that everything she says isn't true. It could be, but I've no way of knowing, so the only way to deal with her is to assume it's probably a lie.

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2023 08:53

Sympathies OP, my DH does this too

You think you have an agreement and then he just goes away and does whatever the f he wanted to in the first place.

It's infuriating, I don't know if he does it for an easy life / can't be bothered fighting his corner / doesn't respect me enough to work as a team.

Mine also lies by omission or 'forgets' to tell me things but then conveniently remembers in front of other people and undermines me that way too.

I've said on previous threads, if I was in a position to leave then I would.

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