We are separating,I'm so scared of living alone

[Scaredofbeingalone]

I am in my 40s. I have been with my husband for 21 years and we have 2 preteen kids

Unfortunately we are separating,amicably at the moment. A joint decision that's been a long time coming and is the right thing to do. At the moment I'm feeling very emotional and very sad . We have been together our whole adult lives and I've never lived with anyone else or had a relationship with anyone else

We are not yet living separately but will do so soon. We will share custody of the kids

I'm not looking for sympathy, but I feel really scared and anxious about living alone and having no one to share things with , or to help with practical things such as DIY, gardening etc and being completely responsible for all the bills etc

I'm feeling very overwhelmed with the mammoth tasks ahead, sorting and dividing possessions etc
We have quite a large home that neither can run alone so will both need to downsize
Even though I'm 40 I feel like a little kid and I just want my mum . I know that's ridiculous
It's all just very raw at the moment
I can't even bare to think about being apart from the children

It's going to feel really shit just now but it will be ok I promise you.

This was me 7 years ago. I had no idea how I was going to do it all but I have and more. It's awesome most of the time though very hard , I can't lie. However it's the best thing long term.

Take tiny steps. You are still so close to the epicentre you need to break it down mentally. Eg
First is the decision being made
Second is telling people- I hated this bit...esp the kids
Third him moving out that was brilliant and awful all at once
Forth having the kids away the first time
Then the next time etc

Don't think about the diy or garden just yet. Concentrate on looking after yourself as you have to do this to look after your children.

You CAN and WILL do it.

All the best 🌷

I think you will get used to it and grow to like it! But to begin with plan things in the middle of your time without the children. Take stock, ''is this as bad as I thought it would be?'' If you have 3 days without the kids, plan a day out, invite a friend over and sit with yourself on the third day! Gradually do less and the new routine will give you freedom.

OP, it might seem scary now but you will soon find there are good bits.

You'll be able to having a few hours off. You'll have the chance to have a drink with a friend or go shopping for a few hours. You'll get some rest every other weekend and generally have a little more time for you. It won't all be bad, I promise. 😊

Thank you for your kind comments. How is best to tell people? Because we've been together forever our families are very entrenched etc. I'm very close to my in laws and my sister in law . Does he just tell them? Will I not be able to see them anymore? I know he won't see my family again.
All of my friends and my kids school friends parents are all happily married. I don't know anyone that I could go out with or socialise with or invite round who's in the same boat as me. I'm going to feel very pittied
My parents are very good to me and very involved in my lives. I know they will be supportive of my decision but I know that my dad will wade in and cause me a lot of stress. He will try to give us advice about finances etc but his way comes across as lecturing and insistence rather than advice. I just don't know where to start or what order to do things in

You'll find your way.

The bills are easy - set up direct debits/standing orders to go out at the same time time every month. Done. Check once a year or so that you're on the best deals for things.

I like having a few saving accounts that I put a bit into every month towards things that I want or that will come up, like holiday/trips, MOT/repairs, household repairs/appliance replacement, birthdays & Christmas.

I actually prefer being in charge of everything rather than relying on someone else to do things. (In fairness, my ex was shit).

YouTube is great for ways to do minor DIY bits and pieces. Invest in a decent electric screwdriver/drill and it makes things so much easier.

If you're downsizing, choose where you move with an eye to making things simple for yourself garden-wise.

If you have a decent income, you can always outsource jobs you don't know how to do, otherwise family & friends will generally give a hand.

It feels good to run your own ship, honest 😊

You’re going to be fine, I promise. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Deal with things as they come, you might outsource some things and ignore others. It’s okay to get things wrong, most of us do.

look after yourself, prioritise yourself, find the things that help you and carve out time for them.

and find other single parent friends. Nurture any possible friendships, they come without pity or judgment, in my experience, and these mates are worth their weight in gold.

A couple of things that helped me

• sleep in the middle of the bed, and put a pillow either side. Then you don’t feel he is “missing”
• check all doors and windows are shut nice and early, then don’t open door to anyone.
• get an evening routine. I used to have a bath at 8:30 then one cigarette and a glass of wine at 9pm every night. I started to look forward to my treat and it helped me manage my evenings in an empty house if I had a routine.

it’s hard at first, but you’ll be fine. Sending you hugs

You'll be fine. I've lived alone most of my life (i'm in my 50s) so I've learned to do a lot of stuff around the house myself. Also my DD will pitch in to help too. It's actually liberating when you complete DYI or fix something yourself without a man's assistance. You get a sense of accomplishment, even if it took longer than expected. That's one thing I"m proud about. I remember when my DD and mounted our TV by ourselves, I saved paying someone to do it and we were very proud.

So you will make it, it will be different and even harder but you'll get thru it. Plus you have your DCs who you can also help if they aren't too little.

I was widowed a year ago so am doing it all alone. You'll be OK, the bills are the easy bit and the garden etc soon falls into place (I am even learning how to use a drill, I had to put a washing line up a few weeks ago and surprised myself ), for the jobs you aren't sure about there is always YouTube.

Good luck, you'll be fine once you get over the initial shock.

It sounds like you are surrounded by people who care about you so that's a big bonus.

Determination will get u there.. last night i put together a bed myself, just a Divan but first DIY job myself and my DS ages 5 and 9 helped. Proud 👏🏻

It’s a shock, OP, but you’ll be fine in time. My mum met my dad when she was 15 and married at 18. She was in her early 50s when they divorced. I’m sure it took a bit of getting used to but ultimately she flourished. About 3 years later, she met a wonderful man and settled down again.

But what I mainly came on to say was that she maintained a relationship with my dad’s parents because - as with you - they’d been her family for so long. So she would ring them up for a chat pretty regularly and visit from time to time. No-one expected anything different, including my dad. He might have done the same with my mum’s parents but it was ultimately his fault the marriage broke down and he was persona non grata for my mum’s dad and my mum’s mum died shortly after the decree absolute came through.

Im in the same boat OP. We are in discussion stages of separation - been together whole adult lives…I’m terrified

You'll be fine OP and I bet you will enjoy being single. You can do what you want, watch what you want, sleep on any side of the bed as you want. Live this life and appreciate yourself. It's hard at first but you will love it. I promise you. Just think... when you was young you had no one but yourself - did you get on ok with that? Yes you did! It was only love that made you put someone else in your life. But since the day you was born; you made yourself breathe, you made yourself known what you wanted through cries before you could speak. And then you had yourself. If you did it all way back then than you can do it now. A relationship doesn't make you. Hope this makes sense. It's what I've put in my perspective recently. Life makes us feel we have to be in a relationship to be whole but tbh we don't. We are living and breathing all on our own so keep going xx

Oh and just to put a funny side to the diy and gardening accept of things... women do it better. Trust me. I hate having to do the "Mens work" but when I do it... I do it better than any man could. It's not half done and I feel proud I know how to use a drill or spanner or how great the garden looks after I have done it. You will feel a seance of achievement from it

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say although you feel like you don't know anyone that is divorced or single that will change. I'm 43 now and there has been a handful of people I know well now separated in recent years.

There will be other people in a similar position to you waiting for the right time to make the break.

A Google tells me that 42% of marriages end in divorce and the most common age to divorce is 45 for men and 42 for women.

I'm sure you will manage just fine. When I was younger I never gave a "tip run" a second thought. It was nothing at all. Now I have been with my husband a long time and never go I have become nervous that I "wouldn't know what to do" (different tip in different area) but I'm sure I would be fine. We just get out of the habit of stuff but we are perfectly capable. Anything we don't know how to do YouTube is your friend.