Infidelity, what should I do?

[Anxietystreet]

DH and I have been together 14 years married 7. We have 1 dd. The relationship has been a challenging one, particularly over the past few years and we have come close to calling it quits several times. H has alcohol issues and the relationship has been marred along the way by some very shitty behaviour on his part which has included going missing for weekends, turning up to special occasions late or under the influence, causing arguments, accusing me of fancying other men, and generally being unpredictable, erratic and irresponsible. This chipped away at my love and respect for him over time. Our dd has a disability and I think for too long I tried to keep things going for her and for the sake of the family unit.

We had reached rock bottom in the marriage 3 years ago after another bender one weekend, after which I was at breaking point and we were discussing separation. I asked him to leave the family home (even temporarily to allow things to settle down) but he refused saying the house would need to be sold. DD goes to a particular school which is ideal for her needs and she is well settled. I work but cannot afford to live within the area for her school and the logistics of splitting were very difficult.
I essentially, after a period of months resigned myself to staying together under one roof until financially I could make it work to separate.

I tried and tried with H in terms of, we'd have lengthy discussions about how to make our marriage work, and compromise, which he would agree to and pay lip service but he continued to repeat the problem behaviours. I was at my wits end and felt we had both checked out.

I then became progressively closer to a male friend who was kind and supportive and, same old story, it crossed the line in that we slept together (once). It was during a period where I felt lonely, lost and trapped in a toxic situation at home. I shouldn't have leaned on this friend. I felt horrific guilt afterwards, I have always been monogamous and despite my home circumstances it was wrong of me to do that, and it wasnt repeated. I have very little contact with this friend now bar happy birthday/christmas messages.

For the next couple of years H and I plodded on. In recent months he has started AA and actually made positive changes. He is now in the process of being diagnosed for ASD which explains some of his behaviours, he was self medicating I now believe, and turning to substances to deal with his struggles. At the time i didnt realise this and interpreted much of his behaviour as selfish and cruel, leading to me checking out emotionally as described. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel now in terms of maybe we can make it work, and we have become closer.

However, the mistake I made back then is now hanging over me every day. I know if H ever found out he would never forgive me as he is a very jealous/possessive person by nature. I've considered telling him but pull back when I think of the repercussions not only for me and dd but also on OM/ex friend. I believe H will become very violent towards him and also cause problems in OMs relationship.
OM wasn't single at the time, another reason I have felt crushing guilt since this happened and I'd do anything to turn back the clock if I could.

If anyone made it this far (sorry its been so long) what would you do if you were me?

What do you gain by telling him? You won't feel any less guilty and it will probably wreck any chance you have of rebuilding your marriage. In your shoes I'd probably accept the weight of guilt as my punishment and keep it to myself.

I believe H will become very violent towards him and also cause problems in OMs relationship.
If you think he'd be violent, is part of the reason you're staying with him actually fear?

I was kind of with you sticking it out a bit longer if he's really making changes, but the element of potential violence, whether directed at another man or not, makes me think you'd be better off out of it.

Whether you stay or not, do NOT tell him about your infidelity. If you feel the need to confess, talk to a therapist or priest. That sounds snottier than I mean it to, but in this case, I don't think any good can come from you telling your dh and a whole lot of potential harm, but I can totally understand you need to unburden yourself. But he's not the guy for it.

Forget about your one slip with a sympathetic man. Just forget it. It’s not relevant and would just give your husband another excuse for abusing you. He sounds horrible enough already.

Your main problem is your husband. I don’t believe for one moment he will change his character and become a decent human being.

You’re in a dreadful situation, trapped with this man because you need to be near DD’s school. I would be looking for a way of leaving him, even if it meant changing DD’s school or living somewhere much smaller. It’s not good for DD to live with an aggressive unpredictable man.

I hope you can find a way of leaving him safely. Best of luck.

Forget telling him the affair. Nothing good will come out of it.

but looks like you’re heading to sticking around in a loveless and joyless marriage that has been rotten for many years.

Single mother with disabled child.
do you work?

you will likely be entitled to a fair whack of benefits. Worth checking the benefit calculator op

Just to be clear, are you wanting to make an honest go of this marriage or are you still wanting to plod along until you can financially leave?
Either way, if you think he will be violent don't tell him.

Is part of the reason you're staying with him actually fear? @category12

It probably is part of it yes. I feel a knot of anxiety constantly. H is very erratic and impulsive and I fear his reaction should he ever find out. I would give anything to turn back the clock because I feel if this does come out, all his previous behaviour would be overshadowed by the fact I cheated. I'd be devastated if dd knew I had done this as well and would think less of me for it.

Those saying I shouldn't tell, I think you're right hence I have kept this to myself but it's weighing so heavily on me that I really need to deal with it.

@QuaverAndShakeWhenIHearYourName I think I'm still trying to get my head round that. I'm open to trying because I do feel i have a different perspective on some of our history now, ie he wasn't always being deliberately awful.

I wouldn't tell him ever - it sounds like you've managed to get away with your little slip up and I'm certain from reading your posts absolutely nothing good will come out of confessing at this stage when things are looking slightly on the up. You say it's feeling heavy on you not telling him but just think of the mayhem and carnage that will weigh even heavier on you should you fess up. He'll most likely tell your child too and that could be devastating. Please have a little word with yourself and do not do it.

He's only newly sober, has a diagnosis to get his head around and process some things in this light, you and your child will be financially worse off, the 'friend' might get retribution done on him and mess his life, your husband might get a criminal record, might harm someone, your daughter might hate you for it or never see you the same .. too many terrible things. You'll just have to deal with your guilt otherwise innocent parties get hurt, too.
Your husband was also awful to you putting you through so much. He 'may' not have cheated but he's also done things in this marriage. Just don't do it again and cut all contact with this man not even a hello at Christmas.
It won't even truly ease your conscience to admit, you might be relieved initially but then it will be like getting hit by a ton of bricks. Truth at all costs is overrated.

My thoughts exactly. No idea why women feel the need to confess when nothing ever good comes of it

Personally, I'd stick to your original plan to get yourself into a good position to leave, no matter what else is going on.

1. Being there because you want to be is always better than being there because you have to be
2. there's been so much bad in your marriage, it may be that whatever changes he makes a. they may not stick, and b. they may be too little too late for you emotionally
3. if there is that fear of what he is capable of or the underlying potential for violence, then he's not a good man and not a good partner

Did you ever get as far as having legal/financial advice about your position if you split up?

Thanks so much for the advice so far.

Yes, I am very much trying to improve my financial position and I'm saving what I can.
I have looked into my position yes and its not great. My salary is beyond the threshold that I'd be entitled to any benefits, but very average and not enough to buy or rent where I live currently, on one income and cover other expenses ie running a car.
H and I share bills 50/50 currently.
I am very unsure about the long term future of our relationship. My gut feeling at the moment is to try to stay together until dd is older.
Another worry I have is of H going totally off the rails if we separated, which would affect dd too. He would want joint custody I know this (going by previous discussions) but he really isn't capable of providing her with the care and stability she needs. I carry his parenting totally.
This is what makes me also feel that for the greater good, its best to be here and keep things as calm and settled as I can until she is older.

Op I’ve read your other thread about the abuse that your daughter witnessed.

Don’t FGS get back with him

Which other thread @Ursuladevinia82 ?

I believe H will become very violent towards him

Are you sure this is a relationship you want to salvage?

I would make a record of all benders, incidents , addiction treatment etc up to now and going forward to explain, with facts, why you'd have very strong concerns about him having access/shared residency if your dd.

Your infidelity was understandable. you were subject to years of abuse & unreasonable behaviour, intentional or not Don't throw that Molotov cocktail into your situation, it's bad enough as it is.

Don’t tell him, just forget about it. Hell, in your situation I wouldn’t even feel guilty. Sounds like he put you through a nightmare and treated you like shit, and you got a small amount of comfort and support from someone else for a short time. Honestly, put it out of your head and just concentrate on building your life, with or without your husband.

Tell him the truth otherwise there's no chance of anything genuine growing.

I'm pretty certain given the circumstances no therapist would advise you to tell him. Too volatile of a situation. Keep planning your exit..

Absolutely keep quiet.
Are you looking for an end subconsciously and know this would do the trick? Don't do it.

However I would look at what you're entitled to and plan to leave.

Don't tell him, it will just give him an excuse to place all the blame at your feet. Do you get child DLA? I'd apply for that now if you don't. It's not means tested.

How old is your dd? Come 12 years old her opinion carries weight and if she doesn't want to go to him you have a case for her staying with you as much as she wants