Dp has completely checked out of doing anything around the house.

[Pojji]

I'll start this off by saying I find communication with him really tricky sometimes, especially when it comes to money and the house. I'm trying really hard to be clear and kind in what I say but it seems to either piss him off or falls of deaf ears.

This has been going on for about a month, probably longer if I'm honest. He's doing next to nothing. When he does do stuff it's like the most basic half assed effort. He cuts corners everywhere and it just feels like it's easier to do it myself than walk around picking up after a grown man. I sometimes wonder if that's the objective - do such a shit job thar I don't ask him to do it again.
He also says the teenagers should be doing more and whilst I agree I know he's only saying that to deflect attention from him doing nothing.

He has a huge list of half finished DIY projects that are beginning to piss me off massively. Our loo won't flush without a wrench at the mo. I've offered to get someone in to fix it but no.....he's apparently got it covered. Just fucking fix it or let me pay someone 😤

I picked him up on it a few weeks back because I walked into an absolute shit tip on my return from work. I don't get home till 6.30 and then have to sort dinner for our 3 kids and get the youngest to bed ASAP. Instead I had to spend an hour cleaning up before I could even start dinner. Baby was screaming because he was hungry and tired and I was exhausted.
I tried to approach it in the nicest way possible and he was upset with me. He basically said he would never pick me up on why the house was so messy on his return home from work. I tried to be understanding of his feelings, however there's a difference that when he returns home from work around 10.30pm, he doesn't have to cook dinner, get a small child to bed and help older kids with homework. He then spent the rest of the evening and the next day being really meh and flat but when I asked him what was wrong said nothing.

Saturday evening I went out and left him with the kids. I put dinner in the slow cooker in the morning so he didn't have to worry about food and left the kitchen all clean. When I got home the whole of downstairs was a mess. Dishes all left on the side. Toys everywhere, Beer cans strewn everywhere. And when he was finished he took himself off to bed. It spoilt my evening and just made me feel really disrespected. When I said about the mess he said he'd do it in the morning, except I knew he wouldn't so I just cleaned it up Before I went to bed rather than add it to tomorrow's to do list! I should add I'm not fastidious about the house being clean. We have a very lived in home and it never looks immaculate but I'm beginning to realise that is in part due to the fact that I am working 3 days a week and doing all the housework!

I've asked him if he's OK mentally and he says yes. Ironically we're really good and open when it comes to talking about our wonky brains so I think he'd tell me if something was wrong.

He's still in bed now as I type this.....he commented this morning about how much better the baby slept last night but he'd rather waste the day in bed than get up.

All in all I'm bored of it. He's become so lazy and it's totally unfair. I was quite poorly with iron deficiency up until last week and since having treatment and beginning to feel better it feels like a green light for him to do absolutely nothing to contribute to the running of our house.

Most of this is a rant because I feel about ready to explode but equally this needs sorting because it's stupid and needs fixing. I'm just not sure how to approach it.

What is the point of he being there at all?. What does he bring to the table? What has prevented you from telling him to sling his hook and or otherwise sending him packing back to his mother's?.

You really do need to get this interloper out of your home now before he and his accompanying binge drinking gets completely out of hand. If he has not already developed a physical and mental dependence on alcohol he is fast on the way to doing so. Also talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. Your DC do not need to be around all that and any accompanying chaos.

I was intrigued by the "DIY thing". That huge half-finished list of projects can't have built up over just a month or so, surely? I wondered if this has been going on a good old while and it's just started to make you notice all of the other things he doesn't do or get around to doing.

I think a lot of men feel they just have to do DIY because it's "basic man stuff" but a lot really lack the fundamental aptitude to do it properly. They won't admit it because it makes them "less of a man" in their eyes. They want to be able to look tradesmen in the eye and talk about powertools even if they work with spreadsheets for a living.

I would get a handy person in to do all of the DIY tasks and insist there is no talk of him doing any DIY in the future. There will be no "not letting you" pay someone (whatever that means). It needs doing and it is not done so you are paying someone to do it. End of.

Your DC are seeing a very very unfair, sexist distribution of family labour. Do you want your daughters to feel they have to put up with what you do, from someone who is meant to love them? Do you want your sons to become like their dad, and have their wife feeling like you do? No. So why do you put up with it? He sounds like he's become selfish and lazy with age and drink

Take photos. I used to do this with teenagers, they would argue that they hadn't left any mess that I was exaggerating. They got sent a photo with a list. It did have some effect and was easier than constantly asking them.

But it is so weary having to deal with this crap. He is reverting to teenage.

To do Lists on the fridge?
Pick up all his crap in a box and dump it on his bed, to illustrate how much of it there is. put it all on the floor next to his bed so he has to deal with it?

I don't really know what to suggest as its up hill work.
And it does lead to accusations of passive aggressive, which are really the response of someone who is passively lazy and critical.

But yes to the plumber and don't ask just get them in. You've been putting up with that one too long and it might make him tackle the DIY backlog. (which he will possibly make a huge deal about)

Are you saying that he drinks 21 pints a week? That means that he is probbably having about 42 units per week as opposed to the government guidelines of 14 units!

but I'm beginning to realise that is in part due to the fact that I am working 3 days a week and doing all the housework!

Does he work?
If so what are his hours?

I get having the odd messy house every now and then and I’m guilty of leaving it until the morning sometimes.
But he seems lazy and like he can’t be bothered.

You need to take in turns to have a lie in on set days.

Tell him that the toilet needs doing and if it’s not done by next Sunday then you’ll have to pay a plumber.

I think a lot of men feel they just have to do DIY because it's "basic man stuff" but a lot really lack the fundamental aptitude to do it properly. They won't admit it because it makes them "less of a man" in their eyes.

I do agree with this.

I do all of the DIY in my home and I’d have no idea how to fix a toilet.
My go to is YouTube.

I was trying to fix something back along and asked my brother to help but he had no idea what he was doing.
I just assumed he’d know more than me simply because he’s a man.

If you don’t know how to fix something yourself then you can’t expect him to know but as the PP pointed out he probably won’t admit to it.

Maybe try tackling it together and if you can’t do it then call in an expert.

He's holding all the cards isn't he? He knows full well that if he doesn't do it, then you will. Where is the incentive for him to change?

It sounds like you have a big age gap between the baby and your other children, was the baby planned? It sounds like he just cannot be arsed with any of it tbh.

Call that plumber.

Call any other tradesmen needed to do the DIY he hasn't done.
Do not trouble yourself with your husband's feelings about this.

Your husband doesn't care enough about you to make any effort in the house.
He's currently punishing you for having anemia.
He does not feel any responsibility toward the family.
He does feel entitled to use your energy and time as a resource for his comfort and he's not concerned that you got completely run down, to the point of ill health.

He's also a problem drinker.
He is prioritising his drinking over the family.
He has arranged / planned his drinking time to not interfere with his work.
As time goes in, you can expect he will eventually start pushing that envelope.
It will be a few pints on a work night, increasing gradually.