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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner acting odd not making effort

26 replies

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 11:22

Been dating my partner for nearly a year. He is great and he used to be affectionate. Recently he has changed, not making the effort. We do try and see each other 2/3 times a week. We do live a 45 mins drive away and work were we live. He has admitted he wouldn’t have matched with me if he realised the distance involved.

Not too sure if it’s relationship settling down or something else or we have had our time. Previously he used to be all over me and we had sex every time we saw each other. I have asked him if he is ok and he says yes, just tired, fed up being overweight and sore from the gym.

last night was weird. It was our first valentines together. We both were not too fussed about presents and going out. I went to his after work were he cooked. He bought me flowers and a card. I forgot his card in my house, he didn’t seem bothered. We ate, had a chat then he played on his phone for an hour ignoring me.

we went to bed early and I started to make a move for sex. He said he was tired and wanted to read for 5 mins. I rolled over to sleep and he read for an hour. Obviously not that tired.

This morning I was arranging when I would see him again. He said was with friends on Saturday but nothing planned otherwise. That’s fine as we need to have time doing own things. I suggested he come to mine Friday as I work later and he has a key. He said no as going to gym and didn’t want to drive 45 mins backwards to mine. I said I could come to his, he said will be knackered after gym. I suggested Sunday to mine, he said will be hungover but I can come to his. I said fine but can’t stay over as need to set off for a 4 hrs drive early for a 4 day away with work (have pets to feed at mine and pick up colleagues). He said don’t bother.

we left it at stalemate. I said he doesn’t make an effort and only stays at mine if he is working close to my area. He says my long work hours make it hard to plan during the week. I asked why he doesn’t want sex as much, he said he is just tired and in pain. He says he loves me and is still attracted to me just an awkward week.

however on Sunday I made his dinner. He joked ( but sounded serious) that I hadn’t made a roast. Joked I didn’t have dual nationality as I didn’t look old that nationality. Joked if we move in together - I am selling my house and may have to move to his temporary - I will be his maid cooking and cleaning. I did reply this it’s the 50s and he would need to pull his weight.

just feel he is not making effort anymore and we may be coming to a natural end. More so since Sunday. Am I overthinking

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 15/02/2023 11:28

It’s hard to tell.

This could be the end of the “butterflies and magic” phase and the start of being able to relax with each other and be able to say and do things that are challenging (like admitting you don’t want sex). To transition to that new phase is a good thing. It means you’re able to present to each other as fully-rounded people rather than making the effort to present an idealised version of yourself.

On the other hand, this could be a sign that with the magic wearing off, there isn’t enough depth of feeling to really sustain things.

These stories all sound pretty bad, and my sense from them is that you’re picking up that he isn’t that bothered. Most worryingly, his reassurance for you having voiced your concerns sounds pretty weak.

My sense is that this is the latter. I would be tempted to really lay your cards on the line and give him a chance to raise his game, but if you don’t get a satisfactory response you may have to end it.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/02/2023 11:41

I don't think you're over thinking it at all. Last night of all nights I would have expected him to at least have sex with you. Something is definitely off. Could it be issues at work? Does he do alot of extra work at the weekends? Whats his social life like? As in what is he prioritising? Because it doesn't sound like it's you, I'm afraid.

Sounds like he's also laying grounds for you to be doing the housework and cooking etc if you do move in with him temporarily. I'd definitely be wary of this and what does having duel nationality have to do with anything? (I've been here for over 20 years and haven't bothered changing my citizenship. Why would I? Why should you?)

You should still be in the honeymoon period of your relationship. Has the sex changed dramatically? Could he being seeing someone else? Or maybe he's losing interest?

As you can see, I often make excuses for others behavior. I think you need to have a serious chat, or save yourself the bother and end it before it goes even further down hill. These should be the best days of your relationship.

winterbegone · 15/02/2023 11:41

Sounds like he can't be bothered to put much effort in, don't give more than you receive, take a step back from suggesting when you next meet and leave it to him.
Giving more attention to his phone than you when you only see each other a couple times a week is off putting, if fact I had an ex that used to do this until I decided I deserved more from a relationship.
It takes both people to be invested and interested enough to make it work, it's not fair for you to keep it alive.

2crossedout1 · 15/02/2023 11:44

So he said "don't bother" coming to his on Sunday, even though you would be doing the driving, just because you're not able to stay over? It does seem like he is losing interest a bit, sorry OP.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/02/2023 11:45

Honestly I think it sounds like it's come to an end. He just doesn't want the unpleasantness of ripping the plaster off, so he's putting in zero effort, hoping you'll make the decision for him.

mycatsanutter · 15/02/2023 11:51

It sounds like the relationship may be coming to an end , I would not contact him at all and see how much effort he makes

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 11:52

@shropshire11 i think the honeymoon period ended when my mum died suddenly suddenly 7 weeks ago. He was fantastic. I didn’t want sex for quite a bit. Now feel myself. I feel he is being lazy. The other day we did book a holiday in the summer and he asked me to see something in June last night.

@OneMoreCookieMonster sex has changed. He was always one for being horny lots. I sort of had a go at him when he was wanting sex when my mum died, telling him not right time. He calmed it down after that. We have had sex since. Just not as often.

he is down as quite overweight and had joint pain, hence trying to exercise. It was me that had an active social life. He has a night out with the lads once a week. That’s it. Not really changed. He did say I could gone with him on Saturday as they are only going to the local.

@winterbegone he has done this in the past. I stopped too and he picked it up. Not too sure he is lazy which can be off putting. He practically stayed at mine last week and it was fine. His phone, if I say he puts it down. But I shouldn’t need to.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 15/02/2023 11:53

Get your key back and fgs don't move in with him however temporary. He doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you. There's probably someone else he's got his eye on.

nzborn · 15/02/2023 12:09

He could be quietly quiting, if he's a weak man this is how they do it.

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 12:16

@nzborn i wouldn’t say he is weak. He said he ended his last 2 relationships. I asked if he was happy he said yes.

@CalistoNoSolo i don’t think so. He is responsive to texts. No other indicators. He is open with his phone and I see texts calls etc. he also has them flash up on his watch.

Not too sure if it is coming to an end or just a crap week. Both tired and busy. He has texted this morning ti ask if I will go away with him and his family over Easter. Mixed messages

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/02/2023 12:52

@Winemygoodenemy hmm definitely weird. And, good on you for having boundaries. Sorry to hear about your mom. X

Do you know how he ended his last two relationships and why they ended? I think it says alot about a person.

His text was definitely because he knew he left things hanging and is checking to see how you respond.

Dery · 15/02/2023 13:08

Sorry about your mother - that’s a huge loss.

I think the big concern here is that you’re proposing to sell your place and may move with him. I think the relationship is sounding a bit too flat for that to be a good idea. Are you able to delay that at all or make other arrangements for where to live? His comments about the lunch don’t sound very promising (you don’t have to be ancient to want a Sunday roast but they are a lot of effort).

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 15:52

@OneMoreCookieMonster he ended them. One he said she was controlling. She gave up work when they had a kid. She had control over bank account and only gave him pocket money. He organised for his last pay check to go a new account and then left

other was just not getting on. Separated a few times and left and rented a flat.

@Dery i am planning on buying my own place. It’s just so I can sell my place chain free or not be in a chain when I find somewhere. It’s for a few months. If I have to I can rent or just sit in a chain.

yeah I am for equality. Starting to think he wants someone to look after him.

OP posts:
sianiboo · 15/02/2023 16:15

I'd end it. Ignoring you to stare at his phone for an hour, when you've made the effort to go to his (a distance he's admitted would have put him off in the first place if he'd known before meeting you) is rude at any time, never mind it being your first Valentine's Day together. And like you've said, you shouldn't have to tell him to put it down, he's a fucking adult who should have some manners. Red flag No 1.

The bit about the roast? Red flag No 2 - if you are cooking he doesn't get to dictate what you cook for him (unless it involves life ending allergies). Also, expecting a roast just because it's a Sunday? How old is he?

The 'joke' about being his maid if you have to stay at his - Red flag No 3, not funny.

The 'don't bother' comment. Red flag No 3 - rude, especially as (once again) you'd be the one making the effort.

In my opinion, he honestly doesn't sound that arsed about you either way. Sounds like the 'honeymoon' period is over for him, and he's now showing you who he really is.

Yankeescot · 15/02/2023 16:39

It's hard to tell from what you describe whether it's losing interest in the relationship or some depression/anxiety.

I personally have been experiencing an enormous amount of life stress and haven't been as present for my partner, whom I love to pieces, for about 1 month. Normally, we joke with each other and laugh all of the time, have loads of sex and are so content. I've been off for about 1 month, but we have amazing communication and I tell him about how I've been feeling. And it's absolutely nothing to do with him. It's just a bunch of garbage I have to deal with. And bless, he's been a saint with me lately. If he's making plans with you, it could be temporary life crap he's going through and has nothing to do with you. He's making future plans with you months in advance so it sounds as if it isn't disinterest.

On the other hand, those comments about being the maid, dictating what you should cook, and the don't bother for Sunday are red flag-ish.

I'd try having a completely honest conversation with him. Being able to fully open up to another creates more intimacy than anything.

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 16:48

@Yankeescot thanks. He is not stressed at work. He is feeling down as he has put in lots of weight and lost his fitness. It’s hot and cold. however I did have a go at him for wanting sex when I was grieving. He calmed down a bit. Previously he was full on.

being a maid he knows I won’t do it. He is a bit old fashioned, but if I ask him to do it he will or state my case he understands.

I have been honest and he says nothing is wrong. I just don’t feel secure which is affecting my happiness.

OP posts:
Veryniceindeed · 15/02/2023 16:53

It doesn’t sound great to me sorry.

How old are you both?

007DoubleOSeven · 15/02/2023 16:57

I'd call it a day, I think he's checked out

gamerchick · 15/02/2023 16:58

He may not want you moving in temporarily and is starting to pull away so you don't. It doesn't sound as if it's going to go the distance this one. Sorry man.

Minikievs · 15/02/2023 17:11

To be honest, after a full day/week at work, going to the gym, plus general life admin, I wouldn't want to do a 45 minute drive each way. At the start, when it's all exciting and new, it doesn't seem so bad, but a year in, I'd be tired of it and a bit pissed off.

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 17:39

@Veryniceindeed @007DoubleOSeven it feels that way but he says not. We are in our 40s.

@gamerchick I thought that as we both like our independence. But he mentioned it again last night.

@Minikievs we both share travel equally unless we have an event or work commitments. I got up really early today to do the commute from his Technically was his turn. I did offer to go to his on Friday.

OP posts:
Johnisafckface · 15/02/2023 19:10

The fact he said not to bother driving to HIS house on Sunday is a red flag. I mean no effort is required of him and he still doesn't want to see you badly enough even if you can't stay?? If I really love someone then even if I can snatch an hour or two with them I'd be happy, especially if I didn't have to drive to them.

I will say that whenever I'm depressed or have a lot going on I tend to be similar. On the other hand whenever I'm losing interest in someone I become disinterested and trying to meet up becomes a "chore" so like your DP I don't make too much of an effort.

If he's definitely not depressed then I will say he's losing interest and just keeping you around for occasional companionship/sex until he meets someone else.

Winemygoodenemy · 15/02/2023 20:41

@Johnisafckface no idea. Don’t think he is depressed. He phoned and was moaning about work. Said he has been asked to do extra and said as we don’t live together he said I was his top priority after work. Mixed messages

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 08:42

Does sound like he’s going off you, but booking things for the summer maybe indicates he’s not. I wouldn’t be impressed he was ‘too tired’ on valentines night but then read. I would definitely be thinking he’s not as interested anymore

JoanCandy · 16/02/2023 09:16

So sorry to hear about your Mum, OP x

He has a kid with someone ? Where are they, when does he see them ?

I really do think that moving in - even ‘temporarily’ - would be a big mistake right now.

How was he in the beginning of the relationship ? Have you got to the stage where you share ‘I love you’s ‘ yet ?