Should I have no further contact with my mum???? (long)

[Mikafan]

I?m not sure how to keep this shortish but will try. I can?t decide what to do about my mum (yes, sorry, yet another thread about bloody mums). I?ve not spoken to her since my birthday in December which she ruined for me by poking her nose in where it wasn?t needed and ended up making a difficult situation worse. Anyway, since then she?ll text me when she?s drunk saying she wants to make up ? I don?t, I?ve had enough of her and never want to see her again. My eldest DS1 is 15 and goes round for Sunday dinner with her every week. My DS2 is 8 and she?s never had the same kind of relationship with him as with my eldest, probably because he speaks his mind and isn?t a nodding dog which my eldest has a tendency to be (in a nice way) whereas she?s already started putting my youngest son down all the time with stupid comments. My DD who is 9 months she?s only seen 4/5 times and she?s not interested in her either because she doesn?t like my DH (DSS have different dad).

Its hard to justify how I feel towards her on paper because there are so many incidents through the years but basically both her and my dad are alcoholics though she won?t admit to being one. Dad has been an alcoholic since I was born (hopefully I?m not the cause) and my mum for the past 20 years or so. Family trips when they did take place when I was small consisted of going from A to B via pubs with my dad drinking and driving and my mum letting him. Once we?d got to B my dad would sit in the pub, the rest of us would go to the beach or whatever and go and collect him when we?d finished then he?d drive us home again. We had 1 car accident while he?d been drinking, and too numerous to mention near misses. At night I?d lay in bed listening to my parents screaming at each other, my dad throwing furniture around, then putting the record playing on full-blast singing along to god knows what, then that would fall quiet again, more shouting and door slamming until my dad fell asleep wherever he happened to be.

I could never have friends round to play because ?we don?t know what state your dad will be in when he gets home?. Parents evenings were never ever attended. No attention was given to me while I was growing up, it was all about them. When I had boyfriends which wasn?t very often given how painfully shy with low self esteem I had, if they didn?t flirt back with my mum she didn?t like them. Oh yes, and she?d try and make me look stupid in front of them.

I could go on up to the incident in December but I?ll take up the bandwidth of mumsnet to do so  Basically I don?t want anything to do with her anymore but don?t want a confrontation with her, I don?t do arguments very well and she will argue and its not worth the hassle, she?ll never see she was in the wrong and that she?s been nothing but a crap mum to me but I feel bad that my DS2 won?t have any grandparents at all though he?s not fussed about her either. Can someone give me some advice on what to do?

Thank you if you?ve managed to finish reading until here.

Its funny, my sister hasn't spoken to me for nearly a year now and hasn't met my DD and I'm sure that has something to do with my mum. My mum goes to stay with my DS every 4/5 weeks and gets on famously with her DH, but only because he flirts with her and calls her mum whereas my DH won't suck up to her. My DB I hardly see either but thats just him. Neither of them seem on the outside to have been affected by my parents behaviour though my sister never gets treated like I do by my mum. Maybe its something to do with the fact that I'm the eldest. My brother was always doted on purely for the fact that he was the youngest and only boy and by my dad because he has drinking partner down the pub. My DH reckons my mum is jealous of me and I can quite easily see that. What a way for parents to behave hey????

My brother and I aren't speaking either following the confrontation with my parents about childhood abuse... sometimes it's easier to side with the accused instead of making a stand. I've been labeled the 'troublemaker' or being too dramatic or over-reacting. I would rather have my brother in my life but I won't back down on what happened in my past or see things from his supposedly 'reasonable' point of view. Heads in the sand! x

I can definately relate to the over-reacting label. They just don't want to feel guilty about their actions so won't even think about it, much less talk about it. I'd rather have no one in my life than people who are harmful to my mental health hence I feel no guilt at not being in touch with my siblings either.

It's so hard thought trying not to care about what people are saying behind your back though, isn't it? Even if you really feel you've done the right thing...That's the thing that really pisses me off and stops me from moving on I think- I tend to dwell on and get angry about the fact that I know my family are berating me in order to remain in denial and not face up to what's actually happened. I suppose in time it'll be easier...I hope!

I totally what you mean. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who cares what people think of me and I hate people to think badly of me, especially when its not true. Its pretty ridiculous really to get to my age (42) and be like that. I keep being told the line "be true to yourself" but it does't really sink in with me. I care far too much about what people think.

You have had some good advice Mika and sounds like you have made your decision, for all the right reasons. I too felt and still feel "lighter" as you describe. Why wouldn't I? I am no ,onger allowing myself to carry the burden of guilt, shame, blame for my entire family, and yes, it is often the eldest child (or tow eldest children in my family) who are used as the scapegoats.

What you have described sounds pretty much like emotional abuse on a fairly grand scale to me.

I can entirely relate to what you are saying Mrs Mac and Mikafan in the last few posts, re caring what they think and being one of those people that is affected by others' judgements. Unfortunately that is one of the classic symptoms of having grown up in a toxic family, because the enmeshment with others makes you reliant on their good opinion of you. In my case it almost defined who I was. This is the one area of my life I am still battling with to some extent, even though I no longer care what my family think or about trying to "make them see" because I now am able to really feel that it doesn't matter if they do or not.

I really do think Toxic Parents is relevant to you. There is a very useful chapter on siblings reactions to confrontation of your parents and like yours, mine all deserted me to side with my mother(all but my older brother who remembers things the way i do) but, although it hurt, I was ready for it and expected it - it was classic, almost as Toxic Parents described ("How dare you treat mum this way? You are the troublemaker, overreacter, drama queen, etc") because the power that a toxic parent weilds runs right through the family system.