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Relationships

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Original poster

Normal for our stage of life?

18 replies

Marieandme · 15/02/2023 07:45

My husband and I have been together for a long time, since we were teenagers. We have a good relationship - we’re loyal, support each other, make a good team. He’s a really good man who would do anything for our family, he’s a great dad, works hard to support us all, does lots around the house to help me (I’m SAHM).
The problem is that I just don’t feel like there’s any spark at all anymore. We go whole evenings barely talking to each other and I can’t remember the last time we laughed together. Our sex life is ok but there’s no physical intimacy other than sex (ie no random cuddles or kisses during the day). It leaves me feeling kind of invisible and I find myself craving attention from other men as I don’t get it from him. We’ve got young children and I’m trying to work out if it’s just the stage of life we’re at or whether this is it for our relationship. Any advice from others who have been there would be appreciated!

OP posts:

Beautifulsunflowers · 15/02/2023 07:51

Sounds like you’ve got a bit stuck in a rut and are taking your relationship for granted.
Are you waiting for him to come and hug or kiss you or do you try to initiate a cuddle and are rejected?
Do you think he’s feeling the same way?
Any chance if a weekend away without the kids? Sounds as though you need to reconnect.
All relationships have times when life gets in the way and the things that are important get forgotten. Have you spoken to him about it?

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 07:51

I was a SAHM. I think you need to go to work, it gives you something to talk about, makes you feel valued beyond being mummy, and will give you a desire to be together when you’ve been apart.

MarieRoseMarie · 15/02/2023 07:53

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 07:51

I was a SAHM. I think you need to go to work, it gives you something to talk about, makes you feel valued beyond being mummy, and will give you a desire to be together when you’ve been apart.

Yep, you’re bored. Shagging other men won’t fix it.

Get a job.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/02/2023 07:53

Men like that are very rare so I'd do my best to work on the marriage with him. Do you have family who can babysit?

ShandaLear · 15/02/2023 07:59

I’d recommend going to work too - even part time. When I became a SAHM I found that I became quite boring to my DH (we’d worked in the same field so always had lots to talk about). While it is lovely being at home with DCs its easy to fall into the trap of it becoming your whole existence and while you might like that, it doesn’t give you much to talk about.

Original poster

Marieandme · 15/02/2023 08:02

You’re all probably right about the SAHM aspect. I’ve always worked and feel like it’s a big part of who I am. It isn’t really feasible at the moment due to the cost of childcare for 3 kids v my salary, but once they’re all in school I will be going straight back to work anyway. I guess it’s just a case of doing what we can until then

OP posts:

Original poster

Marieandme · 15/02/2023 08:04

Yes I am lucky to have him and will absolutely be working on things rather than ending the marriage. I crave attention but would never cheat on him

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 08:06

If you can’t work yet I’d say find something that’s just for you, that you can talk about, like a regular gym class or whatever your thing is. Make sure you take some time for you.

Lemonadeandorange · 15/02/2023 08:06

Marieandme · 15/02/2023 08:02

Cost of childcare should always be factored against both wages in the household (not just the mother!), also there is value in staying in workforce/career progression etc. Would you like to work, perhaps part time?

Original poster

Marieandme · 15/02/2023 08:15

I do enjoy work and it was absolutely my decision to take a break. I just decided that as much as I enjoy it, I would hate to look back on my children being this young and regret not being at home with them. I realise we’re in a fortunate position in that we can make that decision and I just want to make the most of it. I guess it’s been a bit of a choice between what’s right for the children and what’s right for our marriage, and our marriage has taken a bit of a hit!

OP posts:

DrawingdowntheMoon · 15/02/2023 08:18

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 07:51

I was a SAHM. I think you need to go to work, it gives you something to talk about, makes you feel valued beyond being mummy, and will give you a desire to be together when you’ve been apart.

Sound common sense ^

motherofkevinnotperry · 15/02/2023 08:32

I was depressed as a sahm. I was terrible at it and did it for years. Work brought back a sense of me, independence and eventually a bit more money.

You need to have something for you that give your self-esteem a boost (not an affair!), then bring that back into the family. You sound like you've lost yourself in parenting world. A great place to start might be hair, nails and general self care to make you feel more confident. Then look for a job, volunteering, college etc.

Time to find yourself again op. Enjoy and please don't look for the old you, being a mum changes all of us, discover the new you.

caringcarer · 15/02/2023 10:20

When you are at home all the time one day pretty much blends into the next. You could perhaps take up a new hobby, or better still organise a weekend away for just two of you. I am so lucky because my MiL loves taking children for a weekend or week half term. Do you have family who can help out with taking children for weekend?

MarieRoseMarie · 15/02/2023 10:40

Marieandme · 15/02/2023 08:15

Your children would much much rather you prioritised your marriage than you stayed at home.

Seriously!

An intact family with loving parents vs affair/divorce/upheaval/stepparents? It’s an easy choice for them.

It sounds like time to go back to work, at least part time.

spinachmonster · 16/02/2023 04:27

I felt like we were ships in the night with young children. I bought a card game called "A little more conversation" for Cmas. He/we were a bit reluctant at first but it has been BRILLIANT! Feel like we are connected again, have had a laugh and I've even learned things I didn't know about him despite 20+ yrs together.

We have one eve a week no phones and play this. (Has ice breaker questions eg pizza or pasta to ease you in.) It has been brilliant for our relationship, and affection actually, I think as feeling more connected again.
Highly recommend it!

Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 06:14

I agree you’re probably just stuck in a rut. If working isn’t possibly right now maybe do something for yourself a couple of evenings a week. I struggled on Mat leave so can’t imagine how I’d have fared staying at home for years. I guess work is my identity and I felt I’d lost that and was just mum. I resented the fact my partner could just go off to work and had other things to talk about than what baby food I’d blended that day.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/02/2023 06:22

I feel like this too with a similar man, young toddler, I work FT, so your get a job might not fix it.
I have checked out.

honeypancake · 16/02/2023 11:29

I agree it is part of being a SAHP. If you worked, the dynamic and balance would be far better. Do you have interests, do you read anything, watch world news and continue with self development in any area that interests you? It is hard with young kids but it will help to become an interesting person again!

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