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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When friends

18 replies

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 06:07

are still friends with your abusive ex despite knowing how abusive he is because they claim they want to help him, do you just drop them? No drama just fade from their view.

My ex definitely has mental health issues but he was also vile to me and the dcs. He refuses to take responsibility for anything and blames me for much of his behaviour. However we have a couple of friends who think he needs help and spend time with him.

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 15/02/2023 06:29

Tricky. Are the good friends otherwise? Would they respect your boundaries if you told them you don't want to talk about your ex, hear anything about him, and you don't want anything about your life being fed back to him?

I think if there was any doubt for me, then I would quietly pull back.

BuddhaAtSea · 15/02/2023 06:34

Let them, but have no part in it.
You can’t make people do what you want them to do. In an ideal world, they’d distance themselves, but if they think your ex is their friend and needs support, let them. Simplistically, it’s a case of: choose, me or him. But you can’t make people do that.
I would let that friendship go.

barmycatmum · 15/02/2023 06:56

Yeah, this is a tricky one. I’ve been there too, OP.
i kept the friends who remained friends with mh abusive ex, but I find I just don’t feel as close/ can’t trust them as completely as I once did - and I think that’s okay.

if they continually talk him up and support him, that would be rough.
otherwise, I think what works best is absolutely making it clear you won’t be around if he’s around, and developing a pretty thick wall when it comes to anyone mentioning him around you.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 07:04

I actually think shame on them for associating with someone who physically and verbally abused his wife and verbally abused his children. And it is all evidenced.

I want to tell them that they should be ashamed for associating with such people but perhaps I'm taking out my anger on them.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 07:05

I mean they don't talk him up and they know what he's done but still want to support him.

One of them even asked if I had a pepper spray and or a legal taser at home in case my ex makes trouble.

OP posts:

AutisticLegoLover · 15/02/2023 07:08

I'd have nothing to do with them. Seriously. There'd be no fade, they'd just be out of my life. Why do they feel sympathy and pity for an abuser and want to help him instead of helping his victims by not associating with him?

3487642l · 15/02/2023 07:17

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 07:05

I mean they don't talk him up and they know what he's done but still want to support him.

One of them even asked if I had a pepper spray and or a legal taser at home in case my ex makes trouble.

I think this is pretty shocking.

Do they hold him accountable and challenge him about his behaviour?

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 07:24

Well they disagree with what he's done. I don't know how much they challenge him on it.

He is very manipulative land persuades people that it was my coldness that led him to assault me.

He is adulterous too and they know that.

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User45378754 · 15/02/2023 08:30

I am so sorry for what you have endured and no doubt will continue to endure in different ways for a long time if you have to be involved with your ex for parenting.

I would focus on you and your DC right now.

I would consider what environments, experiences and people will help your recovery from abuse.

Thats the most important thing. Do anything and everything you can to emotionally protect yourself so that you can heal and move on.

If you sense that being in the company of these people or being in contact causes you even a smidgeon of distress feel no compulsion of withdrawing so that you are not exposed to anything negative.

You don’t owe them any explanation or justification - but don’t get angry with them.

Consider they are his most recent victims and are being manipulated in order to get to you.

bozzabollix · 15/02/2023 08:41

I wouldn’t be friends with them, you can always find other friends who don’t support abuse.

Dery · 15/02/2023 08:56

I agree with @AutisticLegoLover. This guy doesn’t need looking after. Their priorities are all wrong.

3487642l · 15/02/2023 10:04

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 07:04

I actually think shame on them for associating with someone who physically and verbally abused his wife and verbally abused his children. And it is all evidenced.

I want to tell them that they should be ashamed for associating with such people but perhaps I'm taking out my anger on them.

I totally agree with you. It is embarrassing and awful the degree to which people will make excuses for abuse and harm, and accept blaming of the victim. And it is a big betrayal when you have been victimised by someone and friends support the person who harmed you!

I think it is fair that you feel betrayed by them and therefore have some anger towards them.

What might help reduce family violence would be if people had the guts to call out abusive behaviour and say to men like this 'You need interventions to stop harming your family and we'll support you in taking serious steps to address that- but our friendship is on hold until we see you are seriously doing something about this'.

3487642l · 15/02/2023 10:29

This is a great podcast that touches on the issue of how other people are swayed by abusers and may in fact share his values. :(

www.theaudaciouslife.com/videos/lundy-bancroft-on-narcissists-vs-abusers-for-the-audacious-life-podcast/

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2023 13:11

Thank you. Will have a listen. Lundy Bancroft is such an insightful man.

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3487642I · 15/02/2023 19:36

Agreed, he definitely knows what he's talking about!

The part that relates is a fair way through the interview. I hope you find it helpful.

GoldDuster · 15/02/2023 19:39

I wouldn't have any energy for these "friends", let them go.

MangoBiscuit · 17/02/2023 10:32

Your friend thinks you need a taser because of your ex, but still wants to be friends with him?!? Bloody hell. I would like to change my answer, that's not tricky, they would not be my friends anymore.

I think I had assumed it was less abusive, perhaps less evidenced, and I hadn't considered that he may have been abusive to your DC. Definitely biased by my own experiences here, sorry.

I personally would not want to be friends with anyone who behaves like that, and I would not want to friends with someone who thinks that behaviour is ok.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 17/02/2023 18:00

Well, they don't think his behavior is ok at all.

They think he needs help and are still friends.

I would drop him like a stone. I'm dropping these 'friends' like stones too.

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