No contact today of all days

Questioningtoday · 2023-02-14T22:00:29+00:00

I know the answer to this really but I think I just need a reality check and also to see it all written in black and white I'm in a long distance relationship. It's not without its challenges and work and personal responsibilities means we don't see each other as much as we like but we've ways made it work. Early on I learned that my partner does not handle stress well. His go to response is to retreat and contact can be sporadic for a short while. It's not ideal but we usually navigate it well enough and over time I have come to accept its who he is and have decided that I can live with it. Usually we have lots of contact and we talk throughout the day. He's had a really tough few months and the last couple of weeks has been one of his 'retreats'. We still communicate just not to the usual extent. We could go a couple of days no contact But today is my dads anniversary. (And valentines of course but I've never been overly fussed about that) and I've heard nothing from him. I just feel so hurt and let down. I get he feels he doesn't need anyone when he's having a tough time. But I do. I need to know he cares. That he's remembered. That he knows it's important to me. It feels so selfish and self absorbed of him and in the midst of my sadness I'm starting to feel angry and really questioning if I should continue this.

Tuilpmouse · 14/02/2023 22:07

I'm sorry you've had a tough time today Does he know that your Dad's anniversary and that you find particularly hard? It's just that anniversaries of parents' passing aren't always commemorated by people, especially if it's been a few years, and he may not appreciate its significance for you?

Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 22:10

Tuilpmouse · 14/02/2023 22:07

I'm sorry you've had a tough time today Does he know that your Dad's anniversary and that you find particularly hard? It's just that anniversaries of parents' passing aren't always commemorated by people, especially if it's been a few years, and he may not appreciate its significance for you?

Thanks for your reply. Yes he knows. His dad passed away at a similar time as mine (before we met) and we talk about our dads often. They were both very important to both of us. His Mam also passed last year which I know has been very tough for him.

OP posts:

Zonder · 14/02/2023 22:12

You need to speak to him about this. And maybe about the relationship in general if it's not giving you what you want.

SomePosters · 14/02/2023 22:16

I’m like your partner.

I shut down to anything outside basic survival

I isolate myself as a form of coping not because I don’t need them when I’m struggling.

Did you try and reach out to him and get no response or have you been sat all day testing him to see if he remembers and winding yourself up?

If the relationship is not satisfying you then your within your rights to scale back or end it altogether but if he has always been this way you can’t expect him to change only work with how he is or fuck him off

Aldisfinest · 14/02/2023 22:22

I am quite like your partner too. When I'm going through hard times I completely shut down however I would make sure to speak to my partner on their dads anniversary let alone Valentine's Day. Sorry but it doesn't take two minutes to send a text or pick up the phone and have a five minute call. Speak to him and tell him how you feel.

Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 22:23

SomePosters · 14/02/2023 22:16

I’m like your partner.

I shut down to anything outside basic survival

I isolate myself as a form of coping not because I don’t need them when I’m struggling.

Did you try and reach out to him and get no response or have you been sat all day testing him to see if he remembers and winding yourself up?

If the relationship is not satisfying you then your within your rights to scale back or end it altogether but if he has always been this way you can’t expect him to change only work with how he is or fuck him off

I messaged him earlier. We have spoken about this before and I am aware that I have signed up to this, so to speak. I never ‘test’ him and I am always very honest about how I feel or if I feel he is shutting me out completely and I am finding it difficult.

I dont expect him to change but a little consideration or compromise is maybe not to much to ask for!

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Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 22:26

Yes I will speak with him. We have talked about it before, we’ve always communicated well. It’s something you have to do I suppose in a LDR. And it’s helped me understand why he does this and what he needs from me when it’s like this.

But it cuts a little deeper today I suppose

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bloodyeffinnora · 14/02/2023 22:27

It would have taken him a few seconds to send you a message, its not much to expect from him, especially as he knows its your dads anniversary.

Doyoumind · 14/02/2023 22:27

You said it yourself - he's selfish and self absorbed. If he wants to be in a relationship, struggling himself doesn't mean he can just give up and forget about you. What does this relationship offer you that you're so willing to look past this kind of behaviour?

PaigeMatthews · 14/02/2023 22:29

Doyoumind · 14/02/2023 22:27

You said it yourself - he's selfish and self absorbed. If he wants to be in a relationship, struggling himself doesn't mean he can just give up and forget about you. What does this relationship offer you that you're so willing to look past this kind of behaviour?

This. And Ldr too. Whats the point?

Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 22:33

Doyoumind · 14/02/2023 22:27

You said it yourself - he's selfish and self absorbed. If he wants to be in a relationship, struggling himself doesn't mean he can just give up and forget about you. What does this relationship offer you that you're so willing to look past this kind of behaviour?

Usually a lot. But in more recent times and today, not enough.

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UsingChangeofName · 14/02/2023 23:06

I assumed at the start of the OP this was going to be a moan because it was Valentine's Day (which I'm not a fan of either, but there are usually a plethora of threads moaning about partners on this day).
I think expecting anyone to remember the day someone died, several years ago, when it wasn't even someone they knew, is a very big ask.
dh and I were married when my Dad died. dh and my Dad got on really well. We were very close to (geographically) and had daily contact with my Dad who needed bits of support from us. Plus we had little dc at the time and dh stepped up to take over their care when I was called in to the hospital, then all the stuff we had to do afterwards. But I'd put money on the fact dh wouldn't know the date my Dad died. It just isn't important to most people. We remember the man my Dad was, and all the great memories we have of him.
If you want to commemorate it - that's absolutely fine. We all grieve in different ways, but, expecting others to is unrealistic.
Perhaps even more so if he is coping with things not going well in his own life at the moment.

LightSpeeds · 14/02/2023 23:17

Surely a good partner is someone who's there for you when you're at a low ebb?

It sounds like you can't count on him for support and this will be an on-going issue.

Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 23:19

UsingChangeofName · 14/02/2023 23:06

I assumed at the start of the OP this was going to be a moan because it was Valentine's Day (which I'm not a fan of either, but there are usually a plethora of threads moaning about partners on this day).
I think expecting anyone to remember the day someone died, several years ago, when it wasn't even someone they knew, is a very big ask.
dh and I were married when my Dad died. dh and my Dad got on really well. We were very close to (geographically) and had daily contact with my Dad who needed bits of support from us. Plus we had little dc at the time and dh stepped up to take over their care when I was called in to the hospital, then all the stuff we had to do afterwards. But I'd put money on the fact dh wouldn't know the date my Dad died. It just isn't important to most people. We remember the man my Dad was, and all the great memories we have of him.
If you want to commemorate it - that's absolutely fine. We all grieve in different ways, but, expecting others to is unrealistic.
Perhaps even more so if he is coping with things not going well in his own life at the moment.

I get what you’re saying but he definitely knows it’s today. We only spoke about it recently (he asked how I was doing in the run up to it) and the fact that it falls today is something most people recall. Our dads are actually a big part of our lives and, in a funny way, our relationship. In that they are quite present and we talk about them a lot.

He is not a thoughtless man; quite the opposite which I suppose is why I am surprised and upset by this. I’m not expecting him to commemorate or grieve with me. Just check in and see how I am.

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Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 23:21

LightSpeeds · 14/02/2023 23:17

Surely a good partner is someone who's there for you when you're at a low ebb?

It sounds like you can't count on him for support and this will be an on-going issue.

Exactly and it’s starting to feel like that, sadly

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Lampan · 14/02/2023 23:32

It’s funny cos I have a friend who also says her partner ‘doesn’t handle stress well’. To me, it just seems she’s excusing his bad behaviour, and that it’s why she has to tiptoe around him and why he always gets his own way.

If your partner doesn’t handle stress well, then it’s his problem and shouldn’t be yours. Nobody likes stress but most of us learn to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect or hurt our friends/partners/families.

Sounds like too much hard work if you ask me. Don’t tell me he was so stressed he couldn’t send you a message?

Original poster

Questioningtoday · 14/02/2023 23:38

Lampan · 14/02/2023 23:32

It’s funny cos I have a friend who also says her partner ‘doesn’t handle stress well’. To me, it just seems she’s excusing his bad behaviour, and that it’s why she has to tiptoe around him and why he always gets his own way.

If your partner doesn’t handle stress well, then it’s his problem and shouldn’t be yours. Nobody likes stress but most of us learn to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect or hurt our friends/partners/families.

Sounds like too much hard work if you ask me. Don’t tell me he was so stressed he couldn’t send you a message?

No that’s just it. I don’t accept that what’s going on for him gives him a pass. His feelings don’t trump mine. I can’t think of one valid reason that he couldn’t t least message me today.

I guess I have some serious thinking to do!

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Dery · 15/02/2023 09:19

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

My mum died 10 years ago and my stepdad died 3 years ago but even in the immediately following years, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to expect particular support on the anniversaries of their deaths - I suppose because there is no peak of grief on that date, the grief is just always there. I’m just saying this because it wouldn’t necessarily have occurred to him that you needed special contact on that date, particularly if he’s been checking in with you anyway. And, from what you say, he’s recently lost his mother as well so may need more support right now than you do since he’s grieving a second loss.

WatieKatie · 15/02/2023 12:25

Its refreshing to read that I’m not the only one who withdraws during periods of extreme stress or difficulty, however I don’t do this with very close friends (2) or my partner. More with fringe people and fair weather friends.

Like you I’ve been in a LDR historically and communication in vital. Over the years I’ve found many men are inconsistent with communication, sometimes going days without hearing from them. This doesn’t work for me, I don’t waste my time with these men as it only leaves me feeling upset or angry.

If someone cares enough they message.

Livelifelaughter · 15/02/2023 12:54

Sorry for your loss. I completely understand why you feel the way that you do. I think that you need to let him know how this has made you feel. My boyfriend didn't support me emotionally at a particular time that I found difficult largely because although he was aware it was a difficult time he didn't honestly appreciate how sad I felt; like you it was linked to a bereavement. Just talk.