Please may I have a hand hold?

[Sweetladyjane]

Please may I have a handhold? My been in a relationship with an addict for 5 years and when he’s clean things are really good between us but when he relapses it’s horrible. He’s in rehab now and has been clean for 7 months and things are great - we message through the day (he’s allowed his phone now he’s in semi independent living) but I don’t know where I stand with him. One minute he’s sending me kisses and the next he’s ignoring me for the day. He sent me a valentine this morning and it just messed with head.

I had therapy this afternoon and talked it through and realised that as much as I love him I don’t want this half life anymore. We either make a commitment to try and work things through and be a proper couple or I have to cut him out of my life so I can heal and move on. I’m not expecting or wanting a marriage proposal and I know it will take time (I have DC who have never met him as I don’t want an active addict in their lives).

I’ve just sent him a long message basically saying what I’ve just said and that I’m sorry for dumping this on whilst he’s in rehab but I can’t go on like it anymore.

He’s been online but hasn’t read it yet and I’m sat here in tears because I don’t even know what outcome I want. He’s been a huge part of my life and I’m not sure if I can have to strength to block him and move on.

I'll hold your hand for a bit. You need to think of you in this situation for sure. It sounds like he's weighing you down massively and his hot and cold behaviour isn't fair on you.
Sorry you're going through this x

It’s the+most horrible life being involved with an addicted person. My 5 year marriage almost broke me, he nearly bankrupted me, verbally and emotionally abused me, put me in danger, embarrassed me in front of family and colleagues ( no friends as they’d fled when they realised what he was like)
You didn’t cause this, you can’t cure it. Only he can.
You don’t have to stay, he has the support he needs.

I'll hold your hand too Op. You've been so focused on his addiction that it's only now you have a break from all the stress that you can really look at your own feelings. Your entitled to want a happy settled life but can he give you that?

Sending you hugs and handholds. It sounds as if you know you need to leave him, not keep a half-life with an unreliable man who you have to keep away from your children.

You’ve given him five years of love, and it’s frightening to leave something so familiar it’s become almost comfortable. But you don’t want to be still stuck in the same rut 5 or 10 years from now.

You’ve done the right thing telling him. Now you just have to push on and end the relationship for good.

Best of luck xx

It’s been 5 years op, and a never ending cycle of shit, probably full of empty and broken promises, lies and deceit. The man’s in rehab and still fucking up your head. Don’t waste another 5 years with him. Can you honestly imagine having a happy life, being married with good jobs, a nice house and a couple of kids with this man? Not saying that you necessarily want all that, but 5 years in and you’ve presumably got nothing you what from this man.

Handhold here. You are doing the right thing. He could go on like this forever. I walked away from a short term relationship because of his addiction many years ago. It took him many more years to try recovery. It’s complicated but you need to think of you.

He’s read it and not replied - guess that says it all really. So so sad today and can’t show it in front of the kids so I’m putting my happy face on and taking them out for the day.

Thank you for the handholds.

"I had therapy this afternoon and talked it through and realised that as much as I love him I don’t want this half life anymore. We either make a commitment to try and work things through and be a proper couple or I have to cut him out of my life so I can heal and move on"

This has never been a healthy relationship in any shape or form. Addicts lie and you've been stuck in this addiction cycle for 5 years now. Do not do another 5 minutes of this with him, let alone another 5 years. Your children need you to be fully available and otherwise emotionally present to them rather than you being constantly worried and or otherwise emotionally preoccupied by this man and his addiction.

Cut him out completely now and address any and all issues you have relating to codependency; you may well have mixed up love with being codependent. Has this therapist ever mentioned codependency to you?.

Why has this man been a huge part of your life at all; what needs did he meet in you?. Was it a need to be his rescuer and or saviour here; a need to be needed?. Who taught you such damaging lessons about relationships?.

He replied and it’s over. I know it’s the right thing but I’m broken right now.

@Sweetladyjane Ah I'm sorry OP ❤️ Things wil get better in time they alwats do. Look after yourself x

Always*

I’m sorry, OP. You know it’s for the best long term. Your hurt will heal in time.

I'll hold your hand but please use it to walk away.

You don't want an addict in your children's lives. Not "active", it makes no odds at this stage. The fact your children don't know him speaks volumes and shows you can walk away with them unscathed. Please do so.

Talk to womens aid. Or Al-anon or Nar-anon

Xx

Hi @Sweetladyjane so sorry you're going through this 😔
You sound like such a loving and caring person, he is lucky to have you. Maybe just take a step back for a while, just focus on yourself, you will be able to think more clearly without all the emotions xx