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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told in a whats app message

26 replies

Ilovetheseventies · 14/02/2023 15:04

I am not really looking for advice I just think after 5 years I need to move on from my ex husband.
I left my DH five years ago and I have struggled with it. I have 3 grown up children youngest 18. He did live with them as when we split I could only afford a small place. He got alot of money from his parents so bought a nice place. My DD lived with me but as he lives in town she moved there when she started Uni.
When the children were small he did very little with them it was really hard bringing them up as he wasn't there emotionally.
Anyway he's moved out of the house and now lives with his DP he rarely sees his children. But there's not much I can do about his parenting style.
Last week was not a good week and my DS told me that his dad was getting re married. He sent this to the children in a whats app message. Now of course he didn't have to let me know but I would have let him know first. I know for a fact he will be rubbing his hands with glee knowing I will find out via the children. He wrote in a whats app group chat.
Just to let you know ** and I have got engaged x My DS was upset by this. No discussion about it atall.
I need to move on from this as how he interacts with his children is outwith my control. So if anyone could recommend some good counselling or any tips I would be really grateful. Or anyone else who has encountered this.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 14/02/2023 15:14

Is there a right way to tell them?

Maybe it was his way of allowing them to absorb the information before they next see each other

Nimbostratus100 · 14/02/2023 15:21

seems as good a way of telling them as any, some distinct advantages to doing it that way, such as telling them alll at the same moment, no drama or build up, instant message etc

Cant see an issue

jojogoesbust · 14/02/2023 15:25

Seems like a non issue. Your children are adults.

It may hurt, but you are both entitled to move on

Harlow19 · 14/02/2023 15:58

I’m really sorry OP and I can imagine this must of been hurtful but I do think you need to move on especially after 5 years.
Despite your children being adults I do get that it must of been a shock to receive a WhatsApp message to inform them rather than being told in person. I remember my friend (25 years old) was quite hurt when his dad text him to say he was engaged and they’ve just chosen a wedding venue. He would of rather of been told this big news in person.
It might be hard to hear but maybe your ex husband isn’t sitting there rubbing his hands together that you wasn’t told, maybe he has moved on and is happy with his now fiancé.
If you do feel you need counselling then I would definitely recommend some sort of CBT. I do really feel for you but I think you really do need to start moving on now otherwise you might be feeling like this for the next 5 years and might be worse once he does get re-married.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/02/2023 16:02

Seems like you are taking whatever he does personally. Is there another way of looking at it? Like maybe he is clueless emotionally? Or that you devoted enough time and attention to him and now want to spend it on yourself?

mmi · 14/02/2023 16:04

My ex got married on holiday and told the kids when he came back.

🤷🏼‍♀️

Zola1 · 14/02/2023 16:04

You split up 5 years ago, your kids are adults, I don't know why he would really need to tell you at all

Chewbecca · 14/02/2023 16:13

I don’t think he should have told you first. He remains his children’s father and has an ongoing relationship with them. There is no need for any ongoing relationship with you. Sorry.

sianiboo · 14/02/2023 16:24

My father got married to the other woman 5 years after leaving my mother, I was 26, my younger brother 23 and my older brother 27. My older brother only found out as his best friend's sister lived next door to my paternal grandmother. I was the one who had to tell my mother...I wish I hadn't, by the way she reacted.

That was 30 years ago, she's even more bitter now than she was back then. For your own sake, try not to care what your ex husband does.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 14/02/2023 16:27

Send her a Sympathy card and wish her luck...

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 16:28

He really doesn't need to tell you

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 16:28

You need to move on.

How you do this is unique to you but it does sound like you could do with some counselling.

He has done nothing wrong and I think it’s fine to tell them over WhatsApp.
It gives them chance to digest the information without needing to reply face to face.

I doubt he is rubbing his hands with glee about your reaction and to be honest probably doesn’t care as he’ll assume that as it’s been 5 years you would have moved on too.

Have you dated anyone since your separation?

Mom2K · 14/02/2023 16:36

I mean this as kindly as possible...but your children are adults - there is no reason for him to communicate anything with you first or even at all as he can have his own relationship directly with the kids. Of course it's nice if divorced parents can have an amicable arrangement or even a friendship post split...but if there isn't and the kids are grown, he doesn't have any obligation to tell you anything directly or even at all.

Also...I think a group message was fine. Him getting engaged is a fact, there really isn't anything 'to discuss.' I don't really see how delivering that information in any other way would have made a difference.

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt though and I hope you are able to find a way to release those feelings 💐

SzeliSecond · 14/02/2023 16:38

I found out my dad got married on fb so I did the same. We are completely no contact now

SeulementUneFois · 14/02/2023 16:40

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 16:28

You need to move on.

How you do this is unique to you but it does sound like you could do with some counselling.

He has done nothing wrong and I think it’s fine to tell them over WhatsApp.
It gives them chance to digest the information without needing to reply face to face.

I doubt he is rubbing his hands with glee about your reaction and to be honest probably doesn’t care as he’ll assume that as it’s been 5 years you would have moved on too.

Have you dated anyone since your separation?

I agree with this OP.

Also not sure why you feel that he needed to tell you at all, given that you broke up with him...? I'd presume that you were over him at the time if I were him, let alone years later.

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2023 16:42

What discussion were you thinking should have been had?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 14/02/2023 16:43

You left him 5 years ago and your children are all grown up.

Why on earth would he let you know? Will he be rubbing his hands with glee, or not giving you a second thought?

Move on, he has.

SchoolTripDrama · 14/02/2023 16:53

Why did he need to have a discussion with them about it first!?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 14/02/2023 17:05

Ok, I think I get it, from your past threads you were bored in your marriage and thought a new guy was the answer, so you left your DH, but later regretted it. That’s hard, but he doesn’t owe you anything.

Your children might be reacting because they know you’ll be upset. And for the loss of their unit, but what’s done is done. Try and move forward.

Louisetopaz21 · 14/02/2023 18:02

You sound like my dh's ex separated for 8 years prior to meeting me with adult children. She even rang him trying to tell him not to marry me and calling me some dreadful names 😑 never met her in my life but says alot about her. It is none of your business that he is moving on, you need to respectfully move on.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 14/02/2023 18:30

It's fine to say all these things but to suggest I would contact his ex is just ridiculous. I haven't spoken to him in months and have never met her.

OP posts:
mmi · 14/02/2023 18:31

His ex?

River82 · 14/02/2023 19:13

From what you wrote, you left him, not vice versa.

When you leave someone you know that means they can get married to someone else.

Oigetoffmylawn · 14/02/2023 19:42

This is a total non-issue!

My parents are divorced, my dad told me he and his new gf were engaged via WhatsApp. I wished them conflagrations. I mentioned it to my mum during conversation some time later, she said "that's nice for them". My mum got engaged. Told me in person because I happened to pop round immediately following the proposal! Told my other siblings via WhatsApp. Again, we mentioned it to my dad at a later point. My sister announced her pregnancy on the family WhatsApp group, as did my SIL.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill!

mswales · 14/02/2023 22:02

I understand why you feel hurt OP, but it did take me 10 years to get over my ex.... Really depends on the situation and the people how quickly you can move on. Same with imparting big news via WhatsApp, some people are OK with that while others feel really hurt. I wish people wouldn't be so judgey of others who emotionally experience things very differently to them. So I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here, I do totally get your perspective x