Have you ever told someone that their partner is having an affair?

[Theos]

And how did I it end up.
( me once could have done. Didn’t. Glad I didn’t tbh.)

idle speculation

Yes, once many years ago. A friend's partner was messing around and she was blissfully oblivious so I did tell her although I debated whether to or not.

Felt really shitty at the time but she then went on to meet someone loads better and nicer whom she's now been married to for 20 odd years so it was the right move but I didn't do it easily and was frightened that I, as the messenger, would get shot

Yes, that was my experience too. Now, unless it was someone very close to me (family), then I would stay out of it.

Yes, once, as an older teenager. I regretted it when the friend turned on me and made up all sorts of nasty rumours about me. She stuck with the cheating boyfriend, of course.

Yup. I thought the affair I commented on must be common knowledge as it was so obvious.

It was a friends dad and I asked my friend if her mother knew that her father was having an affair. I assumed the friend knew. It was so obvious - her dad would go and 'deal with work things' over the Xmas hols and go to non specific work events for a week or two at a time.

Friend said it definitely wasn't the case. Fast forward 2 years and it all came out - had been going on for many years. People seemed shocked ..... I just saw them all as naive!

I did. His mum (HIS MUM!!) showed up at my door at 10pm that night carrying on about how they were newlyweds and trying for a baby and I was just ruining things for them. For the record, he'd cheated on her previously and continued to cheat on her for the first several years of their marriage at least until I moved away and never heard anything more. It's been 20 years and they are still married, so I guess she was determined to stick it out. 🙄

Most women say they would rather know than not know.

Most women would advise a friend to stay out of it and mind their own business.

Go figure.

(based on my reading of these kinds of threads)

Yes I have

I had to tell a friend once that her fiancé’s ‘friend’ was actually his wife, and that the toddler son, who said fiancé supposedly looked after to be kind and give the mother a break, was his. That was not a fun conversation. I’d do it again though, of course she needed to know.

I did, but they were quite early on in their relationship so not sure they counted as a partner. It was going well (or so she thought) and they had already booked a holiday together.

We had gone out with other friends of ours and saw this friend across a restaurant with her boyfriend (they'd been together a few months). The friend I was with recognised him as someone her friend was dating.

I told my friend the next day and she was pleased I told her.

No one told me. Wish they had and I'd have kicked him to the kerb earlier.

Yes I did. I did it anonymously by letter. A man was cheating on his wife and saying he could not leave for OW as he had a disabled son. OW had children and her husband divorced her and he was named in the papers. His wife didn’t know and I thought she deserved to know and she was the laughing stock
of his company - not that I was part of it.

I wrote to her and apologised for the anonymous letter and said her husband mr x so and so had been having an affair with Mrs so and so since January 2000 after the company / department do and the Mrs so and so’s husband had found out and divorced her in august 2000 and he was named in it, I gave her ex husbands new address and phone number and the owl’s address and found number and I apologised again but the man was openly having an affair and saying he had a disabled child hence not leaving the home.

I took no responsibility pleasure in it.
The wife and the ow met and both finished with him.

I took no pleasure in it but he was shagging anything that moved and I was sick of it at work I was young but I had much more balls then.

Yes, I realised on visiting a new work friends house for lunch that the guy in the family photos was a guy who had tried very hard to get off with me the weekend before in a bar. He arrived home for lunch whilst I was these and his face dropped.

I told my friend. She was gutted and tried very hard not to change towards me, but our friendship did cool almost immediately - I think she was glad to know but you probably can't help but direct some ill feeling towards the person who told you as until then you were living in blissful ignorance.

It turned out, of course, that he'd cheated on her well before coming on to me. She ended up splitting with him and going out happily with another work colleague of ours for several years.

I wish I knew. My family were keeping his secret for a whole year and a half.

During that time he was an emotionally abusive prick who destroyed my confidence, the stress of being with him made me physically ill and railroaded my career.

When I finally got rid of him, they still didn't tell me. It was only my Nan (yes my 80 year old nan with dementia) told me, and she didn't tell me to be kind. Turns out all 3 of my sisters knew, and my brother was the one who facilitated the whole thing. The other woman was his best friend.

Even then they couldn't give me the full story and I'm still piecing things together, 2 years down the line.

I still can't forgive them, there's a good chance I never will. My family relationships ruined, for what, a cheating prick.

@ToBeOrNotToBee
Jesus Christ that's horrendous.

I agree that is horrible that your family knew and not one of them told you what he was up to.
After that I would go no contact or very little contact with them.

One of my friends saw a photo of her friend Paula boyfriend, his wife and two children in a company magazine years ago. My friends father worked in the same company but at a different location. My friend got the magazine and told Paula I am sorry to say that X is married and here is the proof. Paula arranged to meet him and told him it was over as she did not go out with married men.
X then said well I only married her because she had gotten pregnant.
X would have had to live away from home at times due to work and Paula said I probably not the 1st and won't be the last woman he has on the side.

That's horrific. That must sting, that your family put him before you, no wonder you can't forgive, that's unforgivable! I honestly wish you health and happiness for the future x

I am NC with them.

Or was until our dad passed away and I'm reluctantly having to talk to them.

Seriously, it's hard to not scream at them, and lord knows how I'm going to sit through a service with them.

One of my sisters kept changing her story on how and when she 1st found out, and another said she actually couldn't tell me as she didn't want to take sides (as if there's sides to be had when your brother in law is cheating with the local ex scag head).

I am NC with them.

Or was until our dad passed away and I'm reluctantly having to talk to them.

Seriously, it's hard to not scream at them, and lord knows how I'm going to sit through a service with them.

One of my sisters kept changing her story on how and when she 1st found out, and another said she actually couldn't tell me as she didn't want to take sides (as if there's sides to be had when your brother in law is cheating with the local ex scag head).

Bump. Really so few?

Oops sorry. Thread loaded slowly. The letter sounds amazing.

This day last year at 7am I received a message from my BIL, it wasn't for me. It was for the woman he was falling in love with

I had to break this to my sister. I didn't hesitate.

They are still together, the affair was emotional not physical but my sister is broken. She has tried to commit suicide. All she wants is to turn the clock back to when she was happy.

She has had therapy as has he. They love each other but she is broken hearted.

I'm living on my nerves wondering if next time she will be successful.

Yes. She appreciated it but took him back.

Who cares though, you can't predict how they will take the news - all you need to worry about is if YOU are doing the right thing when you are weighing up whether or not to tell them. Listen to your heart.

My dd told me that DH was having an affair. She and my other dd knew for 6-9 months but didn't tell me. That really hurt although I know they were frightened of the consequences.