Advice to help DP manage Mil's overbearing behaviour with newborn baby

[artimesiasfootsteps]

I need some advice. I've read and reread Susan Strong's Toxic Inlaws, and while it's a great book, I'm struggling to hold firm and implement the advice in real life.

My mother in law is not a nice woman. She isn't just a bit of a pain, she is a racist and toxic woman.

My partner loves her but doesn't like her. He has form for years of letting him domineer him and me by extension. She made our years of infertility, baby loss, IVF and then subsequent pregnancy hell.

Everyone in the family knows she is a nightmare, but don't want to rock the boat and will always end up being sent by her to put pressure on us to make their lives more peaceful as she strops and cries to the whole family if she doesn't get her way.

He promises he will manage her better, and to be fair to him he's improved a lot, but my mil's demands, and the pressure I get from him to give in to them is overwhelming my post partum physical and mental health.

I had severe birth injuries and my baby is sick and not sleeping, and her pressure for visits, wanting to take the baby on visits to her house without me or pram walks again without me are relentless. (her taking the baby wouldn't be a break as the baby has a condition that causes regular dangerous medical episodes and due to another incident I wouldn't trust her to be able to handle it when it happens).

She asked to visit the yesterday, my partner said no, but she said she had to drop off something she'd borrowed from us (non urgent) and he said okay but you can't come in as artemesiasfootsteps has just got the baby to sleep (which took hours and hours) and is resting. She barged in when she arrived and woke the baby loudly talking over her crib, I actually for the first time got angry and told my partner off in front of her for allowing the baby to be woken up and took the baby to another room to feed. Not sure where to go from here, I'm so angry. She left a belated Christmas gift for me (the gift was something I'm known for strongly disliking) as apparently it was delivered late, do I have to thank her for it? I'm angry and don't want to speak to her.

The baby isn't sleeping at all and after her little performance the baby didn't sleep the rest of the day and I'm trying to recover throughout all this.

His family is large and lives nearby and there is pressure from her to see them all regularly, but if there are 5 different nuclear families/couples all wanting separate visits and the baby is only a few weeks old, how am I supposed to spend anytime with my partner alone, see my own friends who actually do help and look after a sick baby and recover myself in between relentless hospital visits?

Pil's offer no help at all, and the one task he did ask for (picking up something from a shop near their house for the nursery), they said no, which is fine but why offer help they have no intention of giving?

I know it's a DH issue, but how do I support him when the whole family will turn on him if he stands up to her, I feel sorry for him, but it's ruining what should be a special time. Can I just block her from my phone and let him deal with her?

I think you may be looking for a solution that does not exist.

He has to learn what boundaries are and how to enforce them. Until he does, you have to be he absolute gatekeeper. So no, she may not come over. If she does, no one is to open the door to her.

And no, you and the baby are unwell so no one can see either of you at this time.

and send her stupid gift back or donate it and tell her.

Explain to him that long term, you’ll end up needing to be no contact if he does not figure out how to stand up to her instead of rolling over.

This with bells on really

Your partner has been trained by this woman to jump to her every command, so you're talking about him undoing a lifetime of indoctrination which won't happen easily and probably won't happen without professional help. The rest of the family are the same; when she makes them uncomfortable, they jump to do whatever it takes for her to stop making them uncomfortable. They are what is generally known as flying monkeys, sent in by your MIL to do her bidding regardless of what is right or wrong.

You can't make him change, but for yourself you may find it helps to distance yourself (yes, block her), and don't engage in any way with her. You need clear boundaries and she will probably lose the plot, sending her flying monkeys in. At this point it's a battle of wills so you need to be prepared to be in for the long haul. You can try various ways of dealing with her manipulation but it's pretty exhausting.

Try having a look at the Stately Homes thread. There is a poster there @Monkeyfrommanchester (Monkey, hope you don't mind me tagging you here but I think your story is inspiring) who has been through hell with her MIL, and her husband is gradually seeing the light and distancing himself more and more. Sadly there's not much more to be done than put distance in (or go no contact) as these abusers see no reason to change - what they're doing is working for them, why would they change?

@Escapingafter50years thank you! It can be done. It's incredibly hard.

My mum came over on Saturday night to celebrate Mr Monkey’s birthday. The Hag - MIL - came round on Sunday driven by Slave Son. Hag does NOT come into our house.

My mum had stayed over
“I suppose I better go out to the car and say hello”
“I'm not”

No judgement from my mum or Mr Monkey for not going out and pretending Hag is part of our happy family.

She's not. She's never been a nice person. She's blown it with me. Mr Monkey doesn't feel bad about not spending time with her.

She’ll ramp up the shit from time to time. All this does is confirm she's a nasty person.

@artimesiasfootsteps I hear you! Loud and clear.

NIGHTMARE.

Just be very clear with your DP that you need space. He doesn't need to talk about the ins and outs with his family. Just that you are tired and you and the baby aren't well.

Don't engage with conversations with him about her, but make it clear that you both need space.

He's got to work out his own view point - he's already on the way from what you say - and strategies.

It's hard, but your MIL is waiting for a battle with you to wrest back control, and will try to manipulate your husband so you're the baddie. Don't let her.

Just hide the gift so you don't have to look at, don't return it to her (ammunition), keep your cool and your powder dry.

It’s tough to toughen it out.

Your baby is not her property, but keep out of a direct battle with her right now as she’ll up the ante. Concentrate on your family and screw her. This way you'll get stronger and be able to deal with through very low contact. With the Hag, I do Christmas and I do when my SIL comes down from Scotland. I live 10 mins walk from her.

It can be done. Just conserve your energy for a bit.

Huge hugs
Xxxx

The problem with people like your MIL - the boat rocker - is that everyone else must constantly change position to ensure the boat doesn't sink. It's time for you and your husband to get in your own boat OP; the rest of the family will have to reposition themselves to keep the craft stable, which they obviously don't want to do as they'll need to shift about more often with fewer people to help balance her out. Get in your own boat and paddle off into the sunset!

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Fucking hell @AttilaTheMeerkat - over the years I’ve read some good advice on mumsnet. But your post above was just awesome!

Brilliant analogy @AttilaTheMeerkat