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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't find dh sexually attractive anymore

17 replies

unhappylady · 08/02/2008 12:45

I don't know what to do, the lack of sex in our marraige is becoming a huge issue now, I just don't find my dh sexy anymore, infact, I can't bear him to touch me or even kiss me. I love him very much, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I haven't told him this because I don't want to hurt his feelings but I can't keep going on like this, rejecting him constantly and thinking of new excuses all the time. Sorry it's long, but I'm not sure how to go about fancying him again. I don't think I've gone off sex, because I still find other men sexually attractive. Any advice for me?

OP posts:

lennygrrl · 08/02/2008 12:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

unhappylady · 08/02/2008 13:02

I think he has changed, his attitude to life is different, and he has become more lazy at home, so I do all the cooking and housework, plus taking the kids to school, working all day and then picking them up. I am shattered.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2008 13:04

Thats enough to put anyone off someone...tell the lazyarse that your libido is matched in size by the amount of houseork he does...

nervousal · 08/02/2008 13:06

sounds to me then as if its more than just the sex?

moosh · 08/02/2008 13:11

I felt exactly like you unhappylady and it went on for about 2 years. I definately found other men attractive (to look at only) but not my poor dp anymore.

We have split now only about a fortnight ago as I couldn't carry on like this. I tried to imagine myself with him in 5, 10, 30 years time and I couldn't so after 10 years I called it a day.

I told him the truth, that I had fallen out of love with him and looked at him more as a mate now.

Its not easy he took it like a full on car crash and he is still hurting understandibly, but I want him to find someone eventually that can give him what I couldn't and for me to find someone who can give me what I need.

This may be too drastic for you but please don't put up with it as long as I did it really made me unhappy and sad.

Good luck

newgirl · 08/02/2008 13:17

you are shattered and feel he is not doing his share - of course that will have an impact on your sex life

i think you need to talk to him about it - when you are not too tired and emotional if poss

are there any ways you can afford more help eg cleaning or getting shopping delivered - anything that gives you a bit more time to rest?

do you get nights out together? maybe book a regular babysitter so you enjoy each others company rather than him slumping on the sofa

notnowbernard · 08/02/2008 13:26

I believe looking after your dh/dp in the same manner as looking after your dc is enough to make anyone go off having a sexual relationship with them.

I think you need to tell him how all the housework crap/him being lazy is making you feel.

Original poster

unhappylady · 08/02/2008 13:28

It is more than just the sex, but I feel so guilty about that I don''t feel I can moan at him. I guess we could do with getting out of the house together. thanks for all your comments. It's also comforting to know there are other women in this situation or have been. Moosh, I'm afraid my dh would take it the same as yours did, I think he feels about me the same way he did when we met 7 years ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappylady · 08/02/2008 13:30

I have tried to talk to him about the housework/looking after kids etc, and how I need more help, he promises to help out more, does for a couple of days and then stops again! I just feel like I'm nagging then. I just feel like a wife and Mum, but don't feel as though I've a right to say anything because of the way I feel. I feel totally stuck in a rut

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2008 13:31

if he cares about you why does he treat you like a housekeeper and let you get 'shattered'?

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2008 13:32

stop doing it all...thatsthe only way he will do his share

Overrun · 08/02/2008 13:37

I can totally understand how you can loose sexual feelings about some one who is taking the mickey as he seems to be.
I think the distribution of work really needs to be addressed, as others have said.
As for sexual attraction, all I can say is that the less you have it you less you can want it sometimes.
I had a disastrous relationship in my mid twenties when I really loved this man, but we basically didn't have sex for about 3 years. Although I find the whole thing very detrimental to my self esteem, by the end of it I didn't actually miss sex any more, I guess my body had got out of practice.
If improving the work ratio happens, perhaps you could try and give it go with aiming to have sex once a week for a while, to see if it stimulates your libido or your attraction to him.
If not, there are lots of counselling routes you can take it you want to.

notnowbernard · 08/02/2008 13:39

Agree, stop doing what isn't necessary.

Obviously there are things you can't let go... the kids need feeding, clothes need laundering etc.

But I think it might be useful to leave some things to give him an idea of what a big part of your life consists of.

DON'T pick up after him.

DON'T wash/clear up after him

I do this with dp sometimes (he is slack in the tidiness-in-bedroom dept.) If he wakes on a Monday morning wondering why he has no clothes for work, I politely tell him they are in a pile on the floor in a corner of the bedrrom where he left them.

STOP being his Mother... you might be able to find it in you to be his lover again

Original poster

unhappylady · 08/02/2008 13:52

I do act like his mother don't I?! I never really thought of it like that. And I have heard that the more you have sex the more you want it. Maybe I should make the effort tonight, and maybe mention there'll be more of that if he actually gets off his bum and helps out? It really helps talking to others about this, it makes it all alot clearer in my mind.

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 08/02/2008 13:56

Glad things seem clearer

I think it's soooo easy to fall into the trap of doing everything in the 'household management' dept when you are busy looking after small children.

Yes, have a good honest chat about it with him. Also agree that the more you do it the more you want it

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2008 15:00

Good for you, let us know how it goes...ell y'know not how 'it' goes but how you feel after..oh I'm talking myself into trouble here..
You know what I mean..do report back!

ellpea · 08/02/2008 15:19

Hi - just got to this strand and wanted to add to it as i'm having the same thoughts about my partner. To be honest, my attraction to him was never as strong as it had been to some exes..then i got pregnant by accident so we were forced into major commitment quite early. we now have a gorgeous 10 month old but we're now much more like friends than lovers. I force myself to have sex every so often but don't really enjoy it. What to do? My partner is fantastic - loving, reliable and a great dad. I don't know how i would cope with our new family unit being split up. I just wonder if sexual attraction can be built because you love someone, or is it just pure chemistry? sorry to rant on too!!

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