To stay or leave?

Tinseltown2 · 2023-02-13T23:23:33+00:00

I'll start by saying my life is pretty charmed and that's probably part of the reason I'm so torn. I've been married for 8 years to my husband and we have a 5 year old. We get along really well (most of the time), have date nights, an okay sex life, nice holidays and lots of family time. But, and here lies the big problem, I'm not in love with him and not sure if I ever was. I pretty sure I wouldn't have stayed if we didn't have our child. What I don't know though is is this normal? Do most married couples feel this way? I can't imagine leaving my comfortable and mostly happy life but sometimes I feel sad thinking is this all there is and will I never feel the love you read about in books or see in movies. But then is that actually real or am I missing something that doesn't even exist?

Kate8990 · 13/02/2023 23:58

What was it like at the beginning when you first met?, there's usually lots of lust and passion at the beggining which can last but does fade slightly over time,. You sort of reach a comfortable stage but become closer in other ways such as friendship and trust. Are you close? Can you talk about deep issues? Do you have a laugh together? Things like that is a good sign. Sometimes things can get a bit stale and need spicing up a bit so it can feel like the love has gone but that's not always the case. I guess only you know how you feel though. Maybe try and date again and have a chat with your husband about things.

Kate8990 · 14/02/2023 00:00

Sorry I missed the part where you said you already go on dates.

Eyerollcentral · 14/02/2023 00:01

Why did you marry him? At the end of the day if you don’t love him and you never have you have done something very cruel in marrying him. Let him go so you both can meet someone else, hopefully for him someone who does actually love him

user1492757084 · 14/02/2023 06:39

Why did you marry? You must have had feelings to have a child. One of my friends always says that love is not a feeling, love is an action. That opinion has kept him on his toes doing lovely things, communicating in an interested way etc. through the less passionate times of his marriage and I think it has built great love and affection into their marriage.
It takes both patners to be in action; mindful of being a good spouse. Sometimes one puts more in than the other and sometimes the opposite. Both give action a go for a few years and see if your marriage becomes worth keeping.

KangarooKenny · 14/02/2023 06:43

i Don’t think it’s normal, no. Eight years in I still adored my husband, I think I loved him more due to being the father of my kids.
Take your time to think, the grass isn’t always greener, and possibly seeing your child 50% isn’t fun.

Original poster

Tinseltown2 · 14/02/2023 08:48

Thank you all for your replies, for some reason writing on my phone is causing all sorts of gaps, turning everything bold and moving around words so I'm doing a copy and paste which means I can't reply directly to people.

When we first met I'd previously been in a shortlived relationship which was very exciting and passionate but ended up leaving me heartbroken. My DH was the complete opposite, he was very serious and steady and it made me feel safe. There was never any passion, nerves or excitement but we both had similar values, nice families, good careers so seemed compatible and we've had some great experiences together over the years.

However, over the years it's become more difficult to accept that this is going to be it forever but I know how hard it would be to leave and break up our family both in terms of hurting my DH, my DC and then all the logistics and financial aspects. I don't know how to make that decision and swing back and forward all the time.

OP posts:

maryofthevirginkind · 14/02/2023 09:04

I hear you @Tinseltown2. I was the same. Married because he was safe.

I stayed 11 years and couldn't do it any more. I was lonely.

I've been remarried 15 years and with my DH 22 years.

Do you stay and accept this or throw it away and have the heartache that goes with that and hope you find what you're looking for. Only you know what you can do.

It took me years because I needed to be able to say to my children that hand in heart I tried everything. I also needed to come to terms with sharing them 50/50.

Whichever path won't be easy but you need to do what's right for you x

xfan · 14/02/2023 09:27

Many women "settle" for undesirable bit steady and reliable partners in order not to miss out on having child/ren: be honest with yourself op @Tinseltown2 , did you only invest in this relationship so that you can get a family life?

barmycatmum · 14/02/2023 09:29

The “love” you see in movies is just hormones, and it wears off. I cannot imagine throwing away a steady , lovely , safe home for giddiness and hormones.

I fear if you do, you’ll find out too late that what you threw away was long term love, you just need to CHOOSE it every day.

Kate8990 · 14/02/2023 11:08

@barmycatmum I agree with this.

sweetsuzie · 14/02/2023 12:14

I think what you are lacking is some sort of validation that you’re amazing. No one is. The hormonal stage is so short and shot afterwards.

Get over it and enjoy what you’ve got.

Eyerollcentral · 14/02/2023 12:45

Tinseltown2 · 14/02/2023 08:48

Thank you all for your replies, for some reason writing on my phone is causing all sorts of gaps, turning everything bold and moving around words so I'm doing a copy and paste which means I can't reply directly to people.

When we first met I'd previously been in a shortlived relationship which was very exciting and passionate but ended up leaving me heartbroken. My DH was the complete opposite, he was very serious and steady and it made me feel safe. There was never any passion, nerves or excitement but we both had similar values, nice families, good careers so seemed compatible and we've had some great experiences together over the years.

However, over the years it's become more difficult to accept that this is going to be it forever but I know how hard it would be to leave and break up our family both in terms of hurting my DH, my DC and then all the logistics and financial aspects. I don't know how to make that decision and swing back and forward all the time.

You are hurting your husband more by pretending to be in love with him. You have used him. Have at least the decency to end it and let him find someone who does love him.

Original poster

Tinseltown2 · 18/02/2023 11:19

@xfan Strangely enough it wasn't for the family set up as I wasn't sure if I actually wanted kids but sometimes life just takes over and before you know it you're married with a kid on the way (something I would never regret but I don't want anymore).

@maryofthevirginkind Thank you for your comment, did you ever regret leaving? I'm so pleased it all worked out for you.

@sweetsuzie Haha I definitely don't expect someone to think I'm amazing or need constant validation but maybe you're right in that I feel a little more appreciation wouldn't go miss.

@Eyerollcentral I don't believe that I used him, I believed I did love him at the time but I can understand why you'd

Slightly off topic but just as a bit of further background my husband isn't perfect. Even though I probably describe him as the ideal partner he does have anger issues that I struggle to deal with which can make life a bit more challenging. They happen so rarely (maybe twice a year) but when they do happen I find myself thinking I should leave but then start panicking and before you know it, it's been a couple of weeks and I forget about it again. We're having a good run now but today has triggered my memory of last year when he threw a coffee cup against the wall in a temper on our sons birthday then we had to pretend all day that we were happy. Not sure these are divorcing reasons though as he's never hit me or anything.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 17:49

Tinseltown2 · 18/02/2023 11:19

@xfan Strangely enough it wasn't for the family set up as I wasn't sure if I actually wanted kids but sometimes life just takes over and before you know it you're married with a kid on the way (something I would never regret but I don't want anymore).

@maryofthevirginkind Thank you for your comment, did you ever regret leaving? I'm so pleased it all worked out for you.

@sweetsuzie Haha I definitely don't expect someone to think I'm amazing or need constant validation but maybe you're right in that I feel a little more appreciation wouldn't go miss.

@Eyerollcentral I don't believe that I used him, I believed I did love him at the time but I can understand why you'd

Slightly off topic but just as a bit of further background my husband isn't perfect. Even though I probably describe him as the ideal partner he does have anger issues that I struggle to deal with which can make life a bit more challenging. They happen so rarely (maybe twice a year) but when they do happen I find myself thinking I should leave but then start panicking and before you know it, it's been a couple of weeks and I forget about it again. We're having a good run now but today has triggered my memory of last year when he threw a coffee cup against the wall in a temper on our sons birthday then we had to pretend all day that we were happy. Not sure these are divorcing reasons though as he's never hit me or anything.

I am confused as you said you aren’t sure if you ever loved him and now you are sure you did 🤷‍♀️ Now he has anger issues which weren’t previously mentioned and he is hard to live with. It’s hard to put any faith in what you say when you contradict it in your next post. Upshot is you don’t love him now so let him go, sounds like the relationship isn’t working.