Single parents, how do I make this better?

[Bertha21]

Marriage ended last year for a whole host of reasons including his emotional affair and jealousy/controlling behaviour towards me. He lied repeatedly about the ea eventually admitting it.
Last week was his birthday kids wanted him to come over. So we did that I cooked, to keep the kids happy.
But I feel like a bit of a mug.
I run around after the kids 24/7 he is staying with a friend. Seems to plan to do this for the next couple of years to save etc.
He has the kids to help me out when I’m working. But he always has to have them at my house. No space for them where he lives.
It’s not working for me, but is ok for the kids obviously.
EA woman still single, still commenting on his social media for birthday etc.
I just feel disrespected, let down and worn out running round after the kids while he is a very part time parent.
I don’t know how to make the situation better??

If he’s living with a friend and saving money then he surely has spare cash to take the kids out for tea, days out etc? And now the weather is improving trips to park etc. I wouldn’t let him shirk his responsibilities, he needs to find somewhere to live that can accommodate his children. Does he have parents or family that could put him up with the kids once a week?

You need to put some rules and boundaries in place regarding contact .
don’t let the kids dictate how it happens

Don't cook for him, don't hang out with them as a family. You aren't a facilitator for 'worlds best dad' or pretend happy families. For the kids 'oh im sure dad will want you all to himself, I need to go to X/Y, so have a nice time'. Don't let him rely on your children as an emotional lever.

How old are your kids? If they are old enough to understand why you split up, they should be old enough to deal with the boundaries you put in place. Stop cooking for him or having him over at yours. I find the best way to do handovers is drop and run (i.e. you drop them off at an agreed place and time and leave immediately, rather than him collecting and hanging around while they get shoes on etc).

I assume he’s paying child maintenance on the basis that you have them 7 nights a week?

Also, block your ex on social media and stop following him and the EA woman - it will help preserve your sanity.

He doesn’t have the kids to ‘help you out’ - they are his kids. It’s very frustrating that he doesn’t have his own place to take them too as means you’re stuck with him around yours. He can take them out though, especially when the weather gets better.

I know you’re trying to do your best for your kids, but that honestly does mean putting yourself first. I was planning on living like you are, with exH coming for meals etc, then my solicitor and counsellor suggested I never even let him in my house (I moved out with the kids). It’s the best thing I ever did.

you need some boundaries with him for your own wellbeing . This really isn’t working for you and that doesn’t make you a bad mum. He’s not your problem. He can take the kids out, go to family or friends, or whatever really - it’s Absoutlely not for you to sort. It’s for him. I’d suggest you get a proper arrangement in place that works for you and clearly delineates things - I promise that clarity and you looking after your own needs will benefit your children.

also agree with whoever said to block on social media!!! Block him on EVERYTHING now. One mobile number and one email for child-related things.

Agree with all PPs. You need to have boundaries. It's up to him to work a suitable way to spend time with his DC, away from your home.

Also he has little to do if you are making it all happen.

I, too, in a spirit of (what I thought would be) co-parenting celebrated birthdays, bought him gifts, still did family tasks for his family (presents for his mum on Mother's Day etc). All madness & let him walk all over me for many additional years. That being said, I don't regret it entirely - he has treated the DC dreadfully, but I know that when they were small I did everything to ensure they had a good relationship.

Does he have family nearby?
I agree that he needs to take them out when he has them. There are options that won’t break the bank - parks, walks, pizza express or similar using club card vouchers
How old are the children?
I would personally set some boundaries, I started off trying to do a joint Christmas in the spirit of co-parenting, but it didn’t work and I have had much nicer Christmas days after not attempting to do this.
i would feel very uncomfortable to be leaving my ex at my home when I was not there too. It has been suggested as a childcare option after my daughter had an op by him, but I was able to wfh for a while which was a much better alternative for me…

1. you need to block him on social media
   he is your EX and seeing his EA bitch is going to make you feel shit
   no WhatsApp so social media
   normal texts only

2. no more Special meals and favours EVER
   you need to find somewhere to be (gyms help!) and vacate if he must visit

3. motherfucker needs to take them out
   hasn’t he heard of parks and restaurants

how progressed is the divorce?