Hi mums, I really need some advice. I’m writing this absolutely heartbroken once again because my boyfriend went off at me really bad today. For reference, I’m 22 hes 23, we live together in my home and have done for years. I think he has PTSD from his childhood where he was abused by his mother and put into care- but still desperately wants her love and speaks to her to this day despite her being absolutely vile to us both and calling me all sorts when I let her in my home over how I was dressed in summer, IN MY HOME (I was wearing a crop top and shorts)
anyway, today he had been lovely all morning cleaning the house for me sorting out the cats litter trays as I’m pregnant and can not, making me cups of tea and letting me watch TV as oppose to being on his console all day.
we were watching the new episode of the last of us and he put his arm out for a hug but I was concentrating so just held his arm. He absolutely FLIPPED OUT. He ripped his arm away and said f you then, F off etc, I went on to explain I was confused by what was happening on the show so was focusing. He then proceeded to call me a rtard & stupid over & over again, every swear and insult you could imagine. Bear in mind I also have PTSD from a past abusive relationship so I wasn’t saying anything but apologising and crying, I was petrified. He then started punching himself in the face repeatedly and screaming which really startled me so I jumped up towards the front door (which in past situations when he’s gotten aggressive by punching through doors smashing plates or sprinting at me, I have ran out of to call the police) he jumped up and said you try and go out that door and I’ll batter you, ill f*ing batter you. Towered over me saying he was going to headbutt me and made the movement but stopped himself probably a millimetre away from my head, I literally felt the air from it. Continuously told me he was going to be like my ex and batter me around the house, said he didn’t want the baby anymore and that if I tried to not let him see it he’d kill me and the baby, threatened to stab himself and then me immediately after. Must have said 5/10 times he was going to kill me and the baby and even confessed how close he was to hitting me. Truly terrified me. This came no less than a week after he flipped out and punched through my bedroom door completely breaking it for the second time. Criticised me for not cooking everyday when I have to buy the food, pay the rent all the bills literally everything on my own. it calmed down after a while and he apologised, said he didn’t mean anything he said and started the grovelling. I said you really scared me, you were so close to hitting me and he said “I won’t touch you, if I was going to hit you I would have done it then”. I’ve dropped it because he will flip out again if I express how upset I am or show any sign of “moodiness” over it so now I have to act like everything is okay and I’m fine when I’m really not, I tried to say to him a minute ago that I’m upset and how are we going to make sure this doesn’t happen again but he said “we’re fine, stop before I get annoyed” so now I’m back to silence. Please help me, he genuinely has nowhere else to live (NOWHERE) he lost everyone else by treating them
this way although he swears down blind it’s me that makes him like this and it’s all my fault and no wonder I got battered before etc. I can’t see him on the streets because I do love and care about him but he’s a danger to me and I’m on eggshells in my own house having to live my life around him and based on fear. He’s not actually physically assaulted me, except when he was very drunk years ago and bit my finger, slapped me and dragged me around so does this even class as abuse? He says he’s the victim not me, because I drilled his head. I was just sat there. Sorry for the long read, I really needed to get this off my chest as theres nobody i can really tell.