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Relationships

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Original poster

When to give up on a friendship?

25 replies

GraceUnderPresure · 13/02/2023 20:18

When I was single I made a really lovely friend, she made me laugh & listened to my woes & tried (unsuccessfully) to set me up with various single friends.

Then I met my DP and I'll admit I was very wrapped up with him for a while, but then I realised how that might feel for her so got in touch saying I was sorry for neglecting our friendship and I'd love to see her.

Since then whenever I've suggested meeting up she's found excuses to avoid it. If I bump into her she's really lovely and says she misses me but still won't commit to a meet up.

It's starting to upset me now so is it time to give up? I'll still be friendly if I see her but feel I need to stop trying to catch up properly as the constant rejection is hard to deal with.

OP posts:

MrWhippersnapper · 13/02/2023 20:21

You ignored her

Original poster

GraceUnderPresure · 13/02/2023 20:24

MrWhippersnapper · 13/02/2023 20:21

You ignored her

I didn't ever ignore her, just didn't go out getting drunk with her like I did when I was single. I still saw her, just not nearly as often & I kept in touch by text. She seemed really happy for my happiness to be honest.

OP posts:

MrWhippersnapper · 13/02/2023 20:26

Well she clearly wasn’t happy and you admitted you neglected her

LikeSpinningPlates · 13/02/2023 20:29

She has no reason to trust you or think you won’t just piss off again whenever it suits you. She’s trying to avoid the confrontation but honestly- you were the one who negligee friendship.

Letitbebread · 13/02/2023 20:30

You probably hurt her and she doesn’t trust you any longer. You could apologise again?

this has actually happened to me (the reasons for ignoring me were different) and my “friend” seems very bemused by the fact that I can’t seem to get over it! Trouble is that if someone acts in a selfish way then you can’t expect people who have felt that selfishness to want to be in friendship with that person.

category12 · 13/02/2023 20:30

She's obviously decided not to invest her time in you any more after you dropped her.

JustJamie5 · 13/02/2023 20:31

Be honest, say you would like to be friends but stop bugging her to do stuff…. Put the ball in her court. It could be that she doesn’t trust you after you let her down, and would rather not be friends. It’s that thing people say in films ‘bro’s before hoes’ (I’m sure someone here will have a better term!).

Letitbebread · 13/02/2023 20:33

definitely try apologising properly. You may think you’ve done that but she obviously doesn’t feel it

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 13/02/2023 20:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 20:34

Apologies again to her x

Icepinkeskimo · 13/02/2023 20:37

Apologise, you’ve held your hands up
to neglecting her the next step
is to say sorry. Put yourself in her shoes, and think on, partners can come and go, that’s why it’s always important to keep your friendships.

Lavender14 · 13/02/2023 20:38

You can be happy for someone and still feel hurt by their lack of effort and it does sound like you dropped her a bit, it certainly probably felt to her like she was being used until someone better came along. Have you directly acknowledged with her that you did that and realise it was the wrong thing to do and you want to make amends? If you have then I think it's up to you to put in the leg work to prove you mean it. But even then she might just not feel able to get back to the same place with you and that's her call. I'd be very careful how you're coming across, I wouldn't complain to her about your oh or anything because it would look like you're coming back to her now because things aren't great.

Lorry10 · 13/02/2023 20:39

I think you should contact her and ask if you can talk. It would be a shame to lose a good friend.

Original poster

GraceUnderPresure · 13/02/2023 20:39

Next time I bump into her I will apologise again, I don't think I should do it by text or phone, will mean more in person. If I don't see her soon I'll go to see her though.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

giggly · 13/02/2023 20:41

yup you definitely dumped her, now she’s letting you know

Letitbebread · 13/02/2023 20:44

well done for being so open!

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 20:52

I don't agree with the "you neglected her" type comments... she's a grown adult. It's a bit childish to say you abandoned her. The parameters of the friendship changed when you got a boyfriend. Unfortunately it doesn't work for her anymore. I'd move on

1ittlegreen · 13/02/2023 20:55

I think you've blown it. I know I wouldn't bother again with someone so fickle.

Perhaps leave her be and if she texts you then it's a bonus. Anyway, you always have your dp 🤷🏼‍♂️

SnobblyBobbly · 16/02/2023 07:31

Some people are just friends for a certain period of our lives. I don’t keep every friend I’ve ever made and find it a bit irritating when say, work colleagues try and stay in touch for years and years when we’ve both moved on. There’s the odd one that sticks but most friendships are situational. I wish them nothing but the best, but things change and things have changed for you guys too.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Redberries85 · 16/02/2023 08:43

I’d do a big gesture like bring her bunch of flowers and really apologise rather than just bumping into her. I’ve done this to family and friends over the years and only now realise how hurtful it can be and how they must have felt.

nofluffsgiven · 16/02/2023 08:51

I think she just doesn't want to get too close incase you drop her again so she's wary. She might also have a lot of other stuff going on in her life. Don't dwell on it though because I'm sure we we've all been on either side of this at one point in our lives. We've all had a friend we've unintentionally neglected because of something else going on in our lives and we've all had this done or will at some point. It's just life! Some friendships are situational or seasonal and just not meant to last forever.

Bingoflings · 16/02/2023 08:56

SnobblyBobbly · 16/02/2023 07:31

I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

This is what I think too.
As everyone has said a face to face apology (as per update post) and then see how it goes. Good luck x

nofluffsgiven · 16/02/2023 09:05

It's also worth considering that perhaps she isn't into the party life anymore either. You could just reach out one more time, send her a short message on Facebook or email saying that you're really sorry you drifted and you miss her friendship and let her know that if she ever wants to meet up or catch up then you'd be up for that, but if she doesn't respond wanting to meet up I'd just leave it and move on, because that's a clear indication that she's not interested in picking up where you left off. Which is not to say she never will again but I'd definitely leave the ball in her court and don't dwell on it anymore.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 16/02/2023 14:27

i think you just need to leave the ball in her court really.

perhaps apologise again, accepting your responsibility for the current situation, say you'd love to be a more involved friend again, but understand if she's hesitant. say you're there if she changes her mind, and then give her space to reestablish things on her own terms.

pilates · 16/02/2023 14:31

Perhaps write her a letter - and then leave the ball in her court. If she doesn’t get in touch at least you will know

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