Urgent advice needed please - stbxh domestic abuse wanting contact

[LionTree]

Sorry I have posted a lot lately but could really do with some urgent advice, please.

Quick backstory. Husband and I split when baby 8 weeks old, we also have a 3 year old together. He has been very emotionally abusive and over last few weeks kicked a stair gate off wall, kicked bathroom door and then grabbed 3 year old by dungaree straps aggressively to hoist him up. Lots of emotional abuse etc and he smokes weed. I was offered a refuge space but in the end opted to come and stay at my mum's with our sons so I didn't feel so isolated. Refuge advised not to allow unsupervised access to the boys due to his escalating behaviour.

Have not heard from husband for a week but today had a message saying do I want to talk or am I avoiding him, followed by a message from his mum saying if I don't contact him he will contact Police and get legal advice. I have tried to arrange to see a Solicitor but in order to get Legal Aid I need a letter from Women's Aid which obviously I do not have yet.

I am panicking and shaking and don't know what to do. I keep drafting a reply to him but just don't know how to navigate this. I would really appreciate any advice.

Thank you

I will also add he's very convincing and comes across the charming doting dad to others, so I feel very very on edge.

I would maybe contact your local station to give them the heads up that you are not missing. That your partner is abusive and you have left him and he is threatening to contact them.

Have you considered also reporting his abuse to them? So that its on record somewhere at least.

Don't panic. Well done for getting out. Just take things day by day and see your solicitor as soon as you are able.

He knows I am at my mum's - he must have driven round to check and seen my car outside.

I have not reported his abuse to Police as it has never been physical towards us (save for latest incident).

I just feel very under pressure to reply quickly. So far I just replied to the message from his mum saying I was doing boys bath and bed and would be in touch shortly, that was around an hour ago. I just don't know what to say. My stomach is in knots.

Ps: I would also screenshot all his messages and then block him.

Is your mum supportive?
Make sure to lock your doors at night and if he shows up at the house, dont open the door, just call the police.

His messages are designed to make you panic. 'If you don't reply to me I'll xyz' ect...like a kid throwing a tantrum. Block him.

Thank you. I feel almost guilty if I blocked him, because we have children together so I feel like I'm not "allowed" to do that.

Until a judge orders you to hand over your dc you simply ignore him. The police won't get involved. You keep all texts and messages. Let him waste him on a solicitor.. Who can also write threatening letters. Which aren't legally binding either.. A solicitor isn't a judge remember.. They can't order you to do anything.. Empty threats that's all.
Your dc need you to be strong. And need you to protect them. Keeping him away is your immediate route.

Emotional abuse is also a crime. As is coercive control and financial abuse if they are relevant. Even if nothing comes of it it might make it easier for you to keep the kids away from him.

That being said it is a stressful thing to do.
Maybe wait till you've spoken to a solicitor. Ideally someone who has dealt with his sort before.

The texts are designed to make you knee jerk react. Best to block. But otherwise, put the phone away in a drawer for half a day before responding (or not responding ideally) to such evocative texts.

His mum sounds like she does his bidding unfortunately. If you must reply I'd go with 'i have left your son and hope you can respect my decision. I or my solicitor will be in contact regarding the kids in due course. Thars all there is to say for the time being. I'd appreciate it if you could let me and the ex handle this and step back for now whilst we do. Wishing you all the best as always though, love sandra'

And don't reply to anything further from her.

Considering you've been advised to keep the kids away from him I think you have some leway to block for a little while. Plus he's being abusive so, sod him.

You may need to open communication via one form of contact again if it's decided he will still see the children. But just don't reply to anything that isn't regarding the kids. And do pick ups and drop offs in public places. Or have a relative do it for you.

You need to report his abuse to the police and follow through- if you don't you won't have any solid evidence to support your claims if he goes to court.

I was in a similar situation- he had become violent but his emotional abuse was far worse. When I reported him to the police they were fantastic followed up everything and crucially I got practical support from an IDVA who told me exactly what my next steps should be.

I started by getting a prohibited steps order ensuring that my child's residence is with me. I was put in touch with a hood solicitor and legal aid. This turned into a custody dispute which the courts sided with my side of the situation. This never would have gone in my favour without me reporting the abuse. Afterwards the courts put me in touch with support for my mental health which by that time had taken a hit.

You are at the start of a difficult journey but it's to ensure your children are safe and secure. You can do this, but make sure you access all the support you can.

Change your number and let him go the legal route to see his DC.

Thanks everyone for advice. I keep starting to type a reply and then deleting it. I feel so worn down by all of this, wish I could wave a magic wand and make the situation disappear. And despite everything I feel sorry for him because I know he has mental health issues, is/was suicidal and had some rough moments in his childhood. I was with him since I was a teenager so it is hard to rip the plaster off, so to speak.

If he wants to ring the police, let him crack on. You've nothing to be afraid of. They can't and won't be interested in forcing contact, if they do a welfare visit it is just because your ex has said something stupid to them and they have a duty to fulfil. If police do come out to see you to check on the kids, please do tell them that he's abusive, you have left for the children's safety, and that he is using threatening you with police to manipulate you.
Tell his mum they're welcome to seek legal advice and take you to court, as you don't wish for him to have unsupervised time with the children at present. Don't get drawn into it with them. Let them try to scare you. Report the DV if nothing else so you can have representation in court.

Write to him to say that he makes you feel unsafe needs to stop contacting you and that you do not wish for the contact to continue. That way if he contacts you more than once - 2 times constitutes harassment. You can go to police and say he is making unwanted contact. In the meantime keep log of all coercive crap towards you. He can go to jail for that.

Literally every abuser ever claims 'mental health ìssues' and 'bad childhood'. There are people who have had both, likely far worse than him, that manage to be decent human beings and not abuse others.

There's no excuse for abuse.

Just watching 'my lover my killer' on netflix. Its chilling. Be glad youve got out and haven't ended up a statistic.

Ps, if he threatens suicide, which he probably will, dont reply, just call the ambulance service and tell them you do not know if it is bs or not. Let them decide what to do. If (or rather, when) they find he is wasting their time, they'll take a dim view of him indeed. And either way it'll stop him using that manuplation on you in future. Alternatively, forward the text to his mum and tell her to decide what to do. Bet he won't like knowing his mum has seen his bs xD and again, it'll stop him using that tactic in future.

Ps, although I agree with much of what sweetsuzue said, do NOT tell him he makes you feel unsafe. That's like telling a lion you are already very injured and it wpuld be easy to kill you.

Never weaken yourself before these people. Don't backtrack and compromise or 'try to be extra nice' with them either if you can avoid it as they also take that as weakness. And they like the predators they are, they attack weakness.

This. The most the police will do is a welfare check. If they ask, co-operate with them and show that you are all safe and well.

Report the abuse to the police, stating that you moved to your mum's for your and the boys' safety.

Tell him you don't want to talk. You don't feel the dcs are safe with him, following his outbursts. Wait for him to take you to court.

Do you think he genuinely wants to see the dcs or is he just trying to yank your chain? Is his mum someone who could be trusted to supervise if he wants to see the dcs?

Ignore his message. Do not respond.

Contact police and log the abuse. Tell them that you had to move to your mum's house to ensure your children's safety and your own.

Lock all doors and windows.

Do nothing else until you have had legal advice.

On thing you need to remember is that since you are married and (I assume) his name is on the birth certificates, he has parental responsibility (PR). PR means that he has equal rights to the children. What that means to you is that if you allow him to take the children for a visit and he does not return them, or if he walks out of your mum's house with them, there will be nothing you can do other than go to court for an emergency order to get them back. So any decision you make wrt him seeing the children must be made with this in mind.

As far as seeing you, he has no need at all to see you. Any/all communications with him should be via email. Email will allow you time to read and digest what he's saying and then formulate a response as the emailer has no idea when you actually check your email and see the message. As you are currently seeing texting (or phone) seems to demand an 'instant response', plus they aren't the easiest for record keeping. Provide him with an email address and tell him that is what he is to use for contacting you.

You must ignore any 'emotionality' from him, and that includes suicide threats. His mental health issues are not your fault and not your responsibility. Don't feel sorry for him. He certainly doesn't feel sorry for you and what he's put you and the children through.

I agree with @Pinkbonbon's message in her PP to your MiL and her advice to call the authorities if he threatens suicide.

As far as right now, there's nothing wrong with texting "No, I am not ready to speak with you after your recent behaviour. I'll let you know when I am".