Help with narcissist

[gabbyd]

Hi

I've just managed to get away from a 9 year relationship (around 5 weeks ago) with my ex-partner who I think is a narcissist.

I was specifically looking to do the freedom programme as I read that can be helpful but can't seem to find it, I can find an online course which you need to pay for but didn't think this was the right one?

I've basically went no contact except from when it's necessary i.e making arrangements with the kids.

When I have had to see him he goes through different rages (while shouting at me) of blaming everything on me, telling me I'll be nothing without him. He won't be giving me any money for the kids, he even said he had suicidal thoughts, telling me how much he loves me and how he'd come back in a second. I could honestly go on and on will all the mad stuff he comes out with.

I just can't be shouted and sworn at in front of my kids anymore and for myself of course.

I've been loads happier but do have blips of feeling guilty and wondering if I'm the bad one etc.

Just looking for any advice/support really on how to get through it from people that have been in similar situations.

still not sure what was wrong/diagnosis of my ex, but on separation got the same rage and could only have contact via email or lawyers.

doesn’t really matter what label you stick on behaviour, it is not acceptable to be verbally abused, no matter what you have or have not done. The relationship is over and he needs to deal with it like a grown up and not a toddler. You are doing the right thing by not engaging.

You've done the right thing and now need to arm yourself with information about how narcs behave. Dr Ramani on youtube lays it all out.

First step: grey rock interactions. Give him nothing to play with. Keep everything strictly transactional if you absolutely must interact.

I think the freedom programme is online. But others will be along soon to advise.

This Dr has lots of videos around narcissistic personalities.
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Get a third party to take the children to pick up and drop off at contact. Then you can go completely nc. The only way to deal with this situation is take the fuel from the fire and sadly you have bruised his ego and you are the fuel.
it’s called narcissistic rage if you want to look it up.

Unfortunately, the best you can do is to remind yourself that his viewpoints and comments are mostly delusional and batshit crazy and give up any idea that he will behave rationally or listen to arguments.

It's very hard. I feel your pain. Well done on getting started on moving on though. It won't always be easy but trust me, you will feel 1000x better in due course.

I did the freedom programme online, think it was £12. I honestly didn't think it would teach me anything. I knew my ex was a narcissist for a few years before I was brave enough to end it for good and I'd already done research on abuse and narcissism. But what it did do for me was make me remember and realise all of the early warning signs that I'd either missed or chosen to ignore. It helped me to understand more of his behaviour and validated that it wasn't normal on a loving relationship.

I'm so grateful that his behaviour escalated to the point of no return because now he's not allowed any contact with our shared children. I'm not sure that I could've coped with the ongoing abuse for the next 15 years.

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately there's no one that can do handover for me on my end, I genuinely don't have anyone.

I could ask his parents although they haven't spoken to me since the break up so I'm a bit hesitant to be honest.

Have started watched the YouTube videos and they are already giving me a better understanding so will be beneficial for me.

Happy to pay for the programme if it'll also be beneficial for me, so will look more in to that!

I'm sorry to hear others have went through similar and still are, it brings you to your knees.

How old are your DC?

You could do handover in a very public place - busy supermarket car park. In front of a police station.

He can stay in the car and send them to the front door or you drop off and do that at his?

How old are the kids? If they're old enough - you do drops? He doesn't come to you. Don't tell him why, say you're passing by/you thought it would be helpful/whatever floats his self centered boat. Drop them and get them to walk to the door and knock. Stand back several paces or in the car and once he gets them, give a wave, and leave right away. Grey rock everything else.

Eventually you get enough distance to see Narcissistically inclined people are easily controlled, they all have levers.

The kids are 7 and 3 so the eldest could take the little one to the door I suppose (I'd stay at the gate)

Although to be honest, he's no qualms about starting in public and in front of the kids.

I've had over 20 calls today and over 30 demeaning/nasty and just him trying to be difficult texts today, he also turned up at my door drunk earlier. it's fucking draining.

I definitely need to go fully no contact, I just need to get straight in my head a last text
Message before I block his number explaining clearly why I'm blocking his number, my heads jumbled though.

I don't know what my next steps are
To be honest. I just want to be left alone.

Apologies for my terrible grammar!

Block him on your phone and email or parenting App only from now on (court recognised one).

Is it actually in the DC interests to see him if he's being abusive to you in front of them?

There is a version of the Freedom Programme you can do online which doesn’t cost anything, you do video calls as part of a group and go through the various different parts of the course week by week. I highly recommend it when coming out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Here is the link - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php - you can choose a provider from the list. Feel free to DM me if you have any queries, I trained as a FP facilitator after finishing the course so can try to help. Sending you strength, you should feel so proud of yourself for getting out of it.

Thank you for the link, I'll check that out later today and will PM if any queries, appreciate that.

The health visitor is still in contact with me as my youngest is still only 3 so I'm thinking of asking for a chat with her and seeing if there's anything she can do to help, although I'm worried about social services getting involved but maybe that would be for the best.

I'm going to have to go through CMS too as he doesn't plan to give me any money because he has the kids 'half the week' (2 nights one week, three the next)

This is a nightmare but I'm so glad I'm finally standing up for myself and refusing to have it in our lives.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. We have a family member in a similar situation. His favourite is to complain BITTERLY becuase apparently, her asking him to confirm in advance with her when he wants to visit is completely wrong AND he thinks that negotiating childcare so that it works for both of them - ie he has the DC when she's working/at gym/doing chores - is OUTRAGEOUS of her.

He had a complete meltdown recently because when he came to see their DC, she went out. Apparently, if she's doing anything while he's with the children, he is "babysitting" and that's not okay. It's SO completely irrational it's very very difficult to overcome because there can be no negotiating, no compromise etc.

I absolutely WOULD speak to the health visitor and get her advice on situations like this. But I think the best you can do is grey rock. Drop kids, ignore whatever he's saying, leave. And repeat. Unfortunately, it DOES impact them and he's likely to tell them all kinds of shit. Which is another reason to talk to the health visitor.

The amount of calls and messages you describe would.constitute harassment. Have you spoken to the police. Some contact centres will do handovers for parents who feel unsafe doing it themselves. Do you have concerns about the children's safety or well being when they are with him?

wondering if I'm the bad one etc

You're not, but when I was in that position it helped me to recognise that even if I had been the one at fault, it was better to end the relationship anyway, for all involved.

It's not healthy for anybody to be in a relationship where someone is doing things that make the other person feel rubbish, so, in this respect, it doesn't matter whose 'fault' it is; it's just healthy to walk away from a pile of crap than it is to throw yourself in and try to fix it.

One of the big things to realise for yourself, as you get over this, is that there's nothing wrong with you or how you behave. You'll probably be able to see that from how you are in relationships/friendships etc where the other person in respectful to you: you're nice, right? A good person, decent, honest, kind, calm, etc. It's only when someone crosses your boundaries that you do things you might consider to be 'faulty'. The lesson here is that you don't amend your behaviour or feelings. You amend the company you keep. You choose people who you feel good with. If someone makes you feel negative in any way, that's not good for you, so you distance yourself. You are experiencing the hardest example of this right now: you're walking away from a long term relationship, and there are kids involved.

Use this as an example for yourself: walk away from this, the hardest. In the future, walking away from people who are not good for you will be so much easier, because you won't be hardly invested at all. Walk away from this, and you will know you can walk away from anything, so, every day that goes by, you are a step closer to knowing that you will never allow yourself to be treated that way again.

TiredButDancing

Wow. This rings so many bells. I'm seeing the health visitor on Tuesday so will speak to her then and see what she can do to help. I actually have screenshots of horrid messages, bruises on my neck etc, a list that I wrote of a fucking torturous night he put me through that I can show to her (if relevant) but not much else so it will pretty much be my word against his. I will be saving every message going forward.

I have been consistently grey rocking but I'm being accused of all sorts like keeping the kids away from him (never have just don't want to deal with him myself) if the harassing texts and calls start back up I'll definitely be reporting to 101.

I really appreciate all the advice and will be taking it onboard, I've been out with my friend tonight for some food, wine and chat so feeling good 😁

Grey rock. Make every interaction with you boring. Don’t rise to it.
Get a cheap pay as you go phone give him that number for communicating with him only. Ignore all texts except ones arranging drop off with DC.
Block him on your other one and all socials.
good luck and well done for escaping. X

I've done the Freedom Programme. Women's Aid do it. It's in small groups,

And I found it very helpful. I would recommend doing it.

but not much else so it will pretty much be my word against his.

I'm learning that this is a pretty standard response by the victim of this type of abuse. Because HE doesn't see this as him being aggressive/abusive/rude/whatever, he has trained you to think less of it. Some of the things BIL has said on text message to SIL have had be recoiling in shock and horror. She barely even notices and will get completely obsessed about this one point he made that was possibly just a tiny bit fair. In one exchange, he sends her a series of incredibly aggressive and unpleasant messages using ALL the words most of us avoid using.... the next day, he sends her a perfectly normal message re something he's excited about. The disconnect actually made my blood run cold. She didn't even noice.

I suspect if you showed those messages to anyone they would have the same response as I have to SIL's message. It's NOT "his word against his". It's his multiple abusive (and probably irrational and/or delusional) rants that he put in writing because he genuinely does not think he is the problem vs your perfectly normal responses.