No sex in marriage for 10 yrs! Early 40s

[Blossom4538]

Otherwise been quite happy, until recently. Now I feel quite sad. What would you do?

What was the trigger that turned you to feeling sad?

Anymore context? Who stopped it in the first place and why? Slow fade or sudden stop? Mutual or one sided?

I’d feel very sad but it sounds like you’ve been okay with it for 10 years. Do you want things to change now? Is it possible?

Slow fade, but was never great!

I think I’ve been sad for a while, but found myself having feelings for someone else (big trigger - although I don’t think anything could ever happen between us in the future) and miss sex much more than him. I would never cheat on him.

I feel now as though, can I see myself still doing this when I’m 60, or in 10 years time, even 1 year! I’m not dead!
But we still care for each other and mostly get on well. I know I can’t rekindle a spark in that department with him, definitely not.
He is so lovely and I feel so sad. I don’t want to disrupt our family unit but feel very down.

Seek professional help. You both deserve it.
Otherwise, find thrills and passion in new interests and hobbies. Share the new past times with the family - don't make the joy totally solitary Don't stay sad.

I couldn’t have gone without sex at your age.
What has he said about the situation ? Does he use porn instead, or is he sexless ?

It would be a deal breaker for me and I would have left long ago.

Personally I'd be delighted ... but that's not the answer you want! I always feel a bit sad when I read these threads as clearly I should have married someone like your DH.

I'd have been talking about it 9 years and 11 months ago and if it wasn't resolved I'd have left 9 years ago at least. I'm not sure how you recover from 10 years of no sex.

I'd leave, I mean I left because of bad sex, not even no sex (although bad sex I think is worse)

I am of similar age. I have needs. I would have gone long, long ago, or, at the very least, would have insisted on an open relationship.

OP, is there anything physical between you at all. Do you cuddle? Do you touch in affectionate way.

Yes, we are very cuddly, little pecks…nothing more at all. We are very close.

BUT I can’t see us sleeping together ever again.

Im scared of being alone as a single Mum at my age and scared of upsetting our family. I feel so sad about it all

Crikey no sex since your early thirties, you can’t have been together that long before you stopped having sex, which is fine if you are both happy, but you are clearly not, you can’t maintain no sex for another 40 years surely? Have you discussed this with him?

I see on another thread you are already talking about separating so sounds like you have made your decision, good luck.

Well what’s the reason for it? Sex doesn’t just fade to nothing. Once a month maybe when you have young kids but nothing for ten years?!!

Take a lover

Is he happy with the situation?

You refer to a family as I assume you have kids?
So you’ve had a happy family for the past 10 years, done all the usual family stuff like holidays, disposable BBQs in the garden, taking the kid(s) to the park, decorating the house, and celebrating birthdays and Christmas sets.
But you sleep in separate rooms do you? And you don’t have sex.

And the problem is you don’t love him anymore and have started to look for love elsewhere? You’ve not cheated on him yet, but you are exploring your options.

And he’s oblivious to your change in opinion and I still content with what he things is happy stable loving family life.

He’s passed his sexual prime (20 or so?) and you’re just going through yours.
He has a low sex drive, or is asexual, and yours is higher.

If there is no sexual drive there, I don’t see that any amount of little blue pills or therapy can change that. Sure it’ll let someone else explain to him that you have mismatched sexual desires, but I’m assuming he already knows that. And from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like there’s any reason to believe he isn’t comminuted to the relationship or is likely to leave.

So you have complete freedom to choose what you want to do.

1. Split the family us so you can have the chance of another relationship for the next 10 years (because your current libido will be gone by then anyways).
2. Stay and buy better toys and read Literotica.
3. Have a discreet affair with a 20-something personal trainer, or a 50-something doctor who appreciates fine food and has an overactive adrenal gland.
4. Forewarn him that you are planning to have an affair. Explain that it’s purely about sex and you just want to give it a try. And pass the buck to him to decide whether to stay or go.
5. Seek out the services of a professional gentleman of the night. I assume they exist, but would have no way of knowing how to find one. I guess you just Google gigolo.

If the family is loving and stable, it seems selfish to prioritise oneself over the needs of the family. I couldn’t put my desires above my child’s need for a stable loving and happy home. But that’s just me.

I feel so awful about it.

Coming up to 12 years here. But not even any affection, nothing whatsoever. I need to get out and have been planning to do so for years, but still can't get my head round what is best for the kids....

Like you, I'm not dead. I'm very much an alive woman! And to not have had sex since I was 34 is soul destroying.

So leave. Split the family up. Explain to The kids that Daddy doesn’t love Mummy any more and Mummy now needs to find someone who will lover her. Separate the family assets. Go through the court process, and live the life you want.

Plenty of kids have divorced parents or are raised by single parents and do just fine. Your kids may well be at the better end of the statistical outcome. They may even go on to have healthy happy families of their own despite everything.

If you feel you have to put your needs above those of your children, or you thing your children would be better off having divorced parents, take action.

Unfortunately, you cannot control another persons sexual urges. You just happen to have picked someone incomparable with your desires and had a family with him. That’s not either of your faults. It is natural human biology.