ExH not looking after the children properly

[rockingbird]

Just that, I've had my concerns and all has been confirmed sadly. We (me and the children) left in August - he wouldn't go and pretty much had me trapped so I went. I've spent months building us a new home, kept the children in their routine, in school despite the 40 mile round trip whilst in our temporary home. We are now settled and building a new l family life. Stexh has pretty much fallen apart. The house is a mess, he's drinking lots and has serious issues with sleep apnea (I've tried unsuccessfully to make him see he needs to change his ways for the sake of his health)! My DS sent me a video clip on Sunday of him fast asleep at 2pm in bed snoring away.. apparently it had been a couple of hours. DS said he and sibling were still in their PJ's and had had no lunch.. no doubt snacking on what they could in the house whilst he slept. It's also transpired he'd done the same on Saturday to. He's always tired, drinks himself to sleep with at least a bottle of wine a night - if not more. I'm worried the children are not safe 😵‍💫 both have autism so unless the routine is quite structured they are lost. Before anyone shoots me down I left because he'd lived a double life whilst working away (we are talking years). The amount of lies I've been fed over the years is staggering, the financial control had me stuck! Despite all that I just couldn't take anymore. In lockdown the situation became more difficult as he wasn't travelling so eventually I got out. Obviously there's a whole legal process still to come (I've been focusing on finding me and the children a home) .. my immediate concern is sending the children eow into a situation which is not acceptable. And yes I went and collected them yesterday!! He didn't seem to think it was an issue 🤷🏼‍♀️ how do I tackle this? Of course I'm the bad one in all this.. massive narcissist who to the outside world is a charming hardworking man. Any advice welcome.

Don't send them. Tell him to sort himself out, he can see them when he has.

I did try to talk to him yesterday and it hasn't gone down well 🤦‍♀️ I don't want to stop contact as it may well add to the issue of him being more likely to drink.. I may suggest next time they only stay one night and see how it goes. Feels like a really tricky situation!

My ex fell apart when I left with my son. He also refused to leave so I had to go, tell my son about the separation, find a flat, find a job in the same week. It was horrendous. Initially the plan was two nights a week for my son with my ex, only lasted three weeks because his spiralling drinking made it unsafe. Two years on and he barely sees my son. Stopped drinking after rehab but has started again. No advice really but I suspect the choice will soon be made for you by his behaviour - there will quickly come a point where contact has to be severely limited. It’s horrible having to do all the parenting on your own but a lot better than living with an alcoholic.

I was also the bad one in everyone’s eyes for a long time, no one knew what he was like really at home. I didn’t even bother to try and tell my story to anyone, I just focussed on surviving day to day and it wasn’t long before everyone could see for themselves what was happening with my ex, and his spiralling drinking.

This sounds difficult, OP. I think you have to put the children's welfare above your ex's, and stop the contact if he isn't looking after them properly.

It isn't your problem if he drinks more as a result, although I can see that you'd be worried.

You can't send your children to be in the care of a passed out drunk. I wouldn't allow them to go.

How he behaves if you refuse to send the children is his concern — you are not responsible for his behaviour.
You cannot leave children with an adult in a drunken stupor , anything could happen from a child cutting their finger to the house catching fire. He is responsible for the children and needs to be in a fit state.
Protect your kids.

You are complicit in the neglect of your children if you allow them to return to that environment. He is unfit to look after them and you have hard evidence of this.
do not allow him to have them again unless he sorts himself out. Your children’s safety is his priority not worrying about whether you doing the responsible thing tips him over the edge.

*your priority not his. His priority is drink.

Don’t send them.

I would start creating a paper trail of what is going on, in case it does end up in court or Cafcass get involved. Detail what has happened, stories from the children, in emails. Always be helpful, supportive and consolatory, centre the children, but highlight and evidence safeguarding issues. His lifestyle is unfortunately not something you can make any judgement on unless it endangers the children. So if you do find you need to stop facilitating contact for now, you at least have evidence of why. You do not want to be seen as alienating him from the children.

Exactly that @TheMatriarchy he'd be quick to say I'm stopping him from seeing his children but I have to think of their safety. And up thread it was mentioned anything could happen and that's very scary to me.. he was never great at parenting but this is just not safe at all. Makes me incredibly sad!!

You have my sympathy, had simular situation with ex and it was terrifying. I bettled him for ages, stopped him seeing kids for months. In the end the kids were so upset I tried to help, sent them with food, checked and bought fire alarms, phone for kids so they could call Me if dad drank too much. He sorted himself out in the end and now is a good dad. But do document everything in case it goes the other way x