How do you process it?

[BlastedPimples]

I am emerging from a horrible marriage of 22 years.

Verbal and occasional physical abuse. Affairs. Deceit. Gaslighting. His suicide attempt after verbally abusing my ds. I've since discovered another affair post separation. I mean, that doesn't matter but it was a shock anyway.

I just feel like I'm reeling. Spinning. I have to manage everything and find a job and hope he won't be an utter shit about finances. Which he will be so now I worry about keeping our heads above water. I am just not coping and managing.

I cannot imagine ever feeling happy, safe, relaxed and trusting again. I'm nervous, sleeping very badly, trying to focus on everything that needs doing but don't seem able to. Plus it's half term and got to keep the dcs entertained but just want to crawl into bed.

He wants to be friends. Always sending love to everyone here in the household including me, lies through his teeth to everyone about his behaviour. I have to be civil in order to make sure the divorce goes ok.

But I loathe the man. I think there's something horribly wrong with him. He makes my flesh crawl and I just don't want anything to do with him. Need to balance that with getting legal things sorted effectively.

I can't see a light in this darkness. People tell me it will get better but how? I just don't believe it. My marriage was awful and life is still going to be awful.

You don't have to believe it. You have to put one foot in front of the other, do as many things as you can that will help you, rest as much as you can, and wait. You're in a tsunami. You can't see it stopping because you're in the thick of it. It doesn't vanish all at once, but at some point not too far away, you'll think 'Gosh, I didn't think about him or the divorce for a full hour just then, whilst I was busy doing xyz that was so good for me...', and little by little, it gets longer and longer, until eventually he's just an eye roll every couple of hours.
He doesn't have any power over you. You have to consciously choose for yourself to do and think good things for you. Telling yourself there's no way out will help you as much as if anybody else was saying it. If you've nothing encouraging to say to yourself, say nothing at all; it's basic respect.

I think you need to accept you have been through something very traumatic and it's going to take a while before you start to heal. You could try some counseling too in order to help you process things.
Can you imagine the day when you will be finally free from him. I hope you feel better soon. Don't underestimate what you have been through and what you are still dealing with.

What watchkeys said. One step infront of the other. Head down. Blinkers on. Keep moving outwards. You don't need to have all the answers to how you'll end up happy you just need to get further away from this now. Good luck x

He does have power over me and the dcs. He controls all the finances. He will leave us with very little money.

I'm applying applying applying for jobs like mad but being over 50 seems to be a barrier.

Have you spoken to womens aid? He doesn't have power over who you are, how you are, how you speak to yourself internally, and the power he is using over you is illegal. You are still being abused, which might help you to understand why things feel so hopeless.

Get the divorce done, then only communicate about the kids. Get a cheap mobile specifically if he’s an arse and you need to, then block him every other way.

Are you peri menopause age by any chance ? I’m thinking that your feelings might be out of wack due to this as well.

I'm 51.

I just can't see how I will manage. I've been looking for a job for nearly three months now. Admin roles. Not even an interview.

Meanwhile he's a high earner. And will continue to see his salary rise with share options etc.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such an idiot

This is what will wreck your life. Not him. You.

Would you say this to someone else? When they were feeling as shit as you are? 'You're such an idiot.'

It's just mean and unpleasant. Who is on your side? Clearly not you, and you're the most important one who has to be.

I’m in a similar situation where I’m divorcing, young children & my stbx had huge financial control. He will continue too after the divorce because I can’t afford to live in this area as a single parent but he won’t let me move with kids to where my family live (significantly cheaper). All I can say is take it one day at a time. I never expected to be in this position but I also don’t know what will happen in the future. I have to believe it will be a better one.

I'd put a hold on applying for jobs and go and see a solicitor. They will exolain to you what you're entitled to. Basically, he can't do you out of money, he is obliged to pay. It doesn't matter what he feels about you, he has a legal responsibility to support his children. If he is well off, so much the better! I think you will be greatly reassured by this and it will give you confidence moving forward.