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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bailing out adult children

19 replies

Ilovecakez · 12/02/2023 23:08

Hi all,
been with my partner 4 years, considering moving in together but worried about finances.
He has 2 adult children in late 20s/early 30s. One works full time,earns more than my partner but has bad credit and debt so my partner has took out a van in his name for his son. Regularly the son comes up with sob story about not paying so partner ends up £350 out of pocket, he threatens to return van. Take it off son....doesn't happen as he's scared of his son.
His son also has a drug habit. So lot of his wage going on coke, rather than paying my partner.
Maybe harsh but ive felt like my partner is enabling this addiction...he knows hes on drugs, his son needs van to drive to work, drives for a living, not paying for it regularly, could send van back...doesn't. I feel bad I should report him for being under influence n I haven't. This has been playing on my mind.
his other child will ask to borrow money on weekly basis, may pay back,may not.
I know ...his money...his choice...and they're his children regardless of age. He says if he says no to them they won't love him or contact him. Sadly they do only seem to contact when want something.
I work full time, have 2 children...not his, ages 17 and 10.
I guess I'm worried that because his children are still financially dependent on him and it leaves him short that it's going to affect the household if we live together.
Have tried to bring it up before but he gets defensive . Maybe rightly so.

Then other times he says he hates the way they are .
Has anyone been in a situation like this?
Also would you report the son?

OP posts:

Geppili · 12/02/2023 23:17

Don't move in together! He sounds weak. I would report.

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 23:26

You know already where this relationship is going to end up…..call it a day now….it will not work

Keroppi · 12/02/2023 23:28

Don't even consider living together!

Original poster

Ilovecakez · 12/02/2023 23:28

Thank you for the reply.

I'd feel guilt for reporting,esp if partner found out but feel worse if something happened and I didn't speak up.
Realised was posting about moving in/money and reporting became issue.

OP posts:

MumOf2workOptions · 12/02/2023 23:31

Not a chance in hell would I even entertain this man, let alone consider moving in with him!!
He's enabling a Coke habit and he's not setting a good example to his kids by constantly bailing them out

Steer clear and get rid and protect yourself and your kids

growgrowinggrown · 12/02/2023 23:45

how guilty would you feel if the son crashed into and killed another person whilst under the influence?

You have 2 children to look after and he sounds completely spineless and unreliable to do the right thing.

Dreammakerflower · 12/02/2023 23:45

Definitely would think of my kids first. There's no way I would want a stepson who's a druggy around my kids (especially ur son) for him to potentially influence him into taking drugs aswell

Wake up women!

Original poster

Ilovecakez · 12/02/2023 23:50

Have just filled in the crime stoppers form.
I'd be broken if something happened and I could have prevented it.

OP posts:

Grumpusaurus · 13/02/2023 02:05

Echoing what others say. Do not move together and rethink your relationship! He is not a good role model to have around your kids with his awful parenting. Good that you are reporting the son for driving under the influence.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 06:59

Why is your relationship bar this low that this individual has been in your life at all for the past 4 years?. Is this man all you think you deserve from a relationship?. Quite apart from not moving in together you need to end this relationship and in addition reassess your approach to relationships.

He(they) should not be in your life at all, he is a weak enabler and his adult children do not respect him at all. This man does not respect his own self let alone you.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 07:05

Well done for reporting the son. As you say your conscience is clear now you’ve reported him. His dad is enabling him yes 100%. He needs to get the money off him the day he gets paid. His son knows that he can spend all his money on coke as dad will pay the van loan. He’s never going to stand on his own 2 feet whilst his dad is enabling him

Sindonym · 13/02/2023 07:07

I don’t think you can necessarily damn the man because of his kids. I know an awful lot of 20 somethings spending far too much money on drugs (weed mainly, but I may just be less aware of the coke habits). He may be a good partner in other ways.

But no, I wouldn’t move in and entangle my finances with someone enabling this shit - largely because the people I know just cannot change. They continue to spend half their salary & more on drugs, using money they don’t have- & nfw would I be donating to that. In the cases I know someone else seems stuck funding this (either partner or parents) & I would not want to be that person.

Well done for reporting the driving as well.

Farmageddon · 13/02/2023 12:44

Don't move in with him, and don't share finances - if he wants to bankroll his ungrateful children let him, but don't make it your responsibility.

You could end up in a situation where your children miss out because he is prioritising paying for his children. Plus you will resent the hell out of him.

Bananalanacake · 13/02/2023 14:27

Don't move in until your DC have left home.

volvic2023 · 09/05/2023 22:56

absolutely under any circumstances do not move in with this man or share finances. next step will be - considering his children's habits and money issues they will end up living with you both, you will become their maid and your children will be witnessing all that and picking up bad habits. this is not an environment for a lady like you. you seem smart and intelligent, save yourself and your children. the father is weak and has deeply rooted guilt. he will drag you into this. if something happens you will be funding all of them. exactly why I refused move into my DPs house with his 2 adult sons. I saw red flags.

AgentJohnson · 10/05/2023 05:24

It’s a no from me. I understand you want to progress your relationship but the type of progress you want, just doesn’t fit with this man.

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 10/05/2023 07:21

He could be the biggest catch out there in every other way, but I'd find the constant enabling and lack of backbone really unattractive.

Well done for reporting the son. If he ends up with a bunch of driving convictions, at least the van won't be a problem any more!

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 10/05/2023 07:23

Pressed send too soon...

I'd not be moving in with him and I'd be telling him why - concerns around pooling finances and also the potential risk to your own children if drug dealers come knocking looking for him to settle his sons debt. Maybe he needs to see his own choices are affecting his own life now.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/05/2023 07:29

My best friends brother was like this. Always borrowing money for one reason or another, was also into drugs. His Mums car got broken into and the exterior of the house vandalised due to him not paying his dealer. I'd steer we'll clear. At best you'll lend up paying the rent/mortgage when he's given all his money to his kids, at worse you'll get mixed up in the shit a druggie brings to the home

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