Lost my way in midlife

[Sadfrumpywoman]

Am 49, been pretty happily married for 25 years, have 16 yo DD. Have the following worries that I can't talk about in real life, so have name changed to post them on here:

1. Marriage seems tired. DH loves me, but isn't interested in me IYSWIM. Sex is irregular, maybe once or twice a month. Husband is affectionate, but prefers on the whole to spend time with DD (they bond over a shared hobby that I don't like) or his mates. I would like more closeness and intimacy, and have said as much, but DH just doesn't feel it I guess.

1. I'm pretty fat (3 stone overweight, size 20) and tbh I don't have a pretty face. I do wonder if DH would be more interested in me if I did lose some weight, but I stupidly comfort myself with chocolate, cheese, chips etc. I am pretty ashamed of all of this.

1. My sadness about all of this leads to some pretty pathetic behaviour. Recently, a male work colleague in his early 30s praised me for some good work, and stupidly, I can't stop thinking about it. He has an attractive (skinny) girlfriend and meant nothing more than banter and niceness, but it's upset me because I realise that I don't get this on the whole, and also how dependent I am on male appreciation for validation. How daft that a woman of my age and appearance can't move on from this.

1. DD is 16, not bothered by me. Fair enough, I didn't want to do stuff with my mum at 16. But I feel lonely and lost. Her and DH are going on holiday together shortly (shared hobby). I was invited but didn't wish to be stuck in this particular environment, so said no.

Basically, I'm lost. There isn't much point to me. I don't have any hopes or dreams, I feel stuck. Any advice, or words of comfort please?

Can you have a holiday at the same time they are away?
Something to kick start self care.. I dont mean a bootcamp but something just for you.. maybe slightly out of your comfort zone or a bit of a challenge.
If you boost your mood you will feel better and be able to address everything else.

Can’t comment on your marriage but it sounds to me like you’re unhappy with yourself. If you’re a size 20 I expect you’re much more than 3 stone overweight. A few years ago I was 3 stone overweight and was a size 14-16. I would start by trying to get healthy, maybe join an exercise class, eat sensibly and see if being happier in yourself improves your self esteem. Once you’re caring for yourself you’ll be in a better position to focus on what you want/plan for the future.

I’m in a very similar boat. ❤️💐

I think - and I’m listening to my own advice here- the way forwards is to try and find things you enjoy, just for yourself. Not because you feel you should. Just “because”. For me that looks like knitting, saving for holidays I want to go on even if I end up going alone, and trying to the best with what I have physically. And lots of HRT.

I am 3.5 stone overweight and not even remotely bothered by it right now. Well I mean technically I’d love to wake up tomorrow a size 10 but I don’t have the willpower or motivation to tackle it. I do a lot of brisk walking and am generally very active so that’s enough for me right now. Chocolate and cake are the only things that bring joy in my life right now and I’m not ready to give them up or cut down.

Its hard getting older because when your children are younger you are the Center of their worlds and that gives you some sort of self validation but as they get older you have to find that yourself and a new version of yourself again. It’s hard.

If you can afford it, I’d suggest finding a great therapist to talk all this through with. I think that could really help you get unstuck and decide what’s next for you xx

Do you have your own friends? You can make a start on the diet tomorrow. Lots of advice on here or follow a plan. Are the basics right though? Enough sleep? Going outside everyday? Self care? Is there another way you can treat yourself . I like good coffee. Do these first then sort the bigger stuff

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but when they go on their holidays for their hobby, can you not arrange it so that the holiday also has something for you? Book accommodation that's good for you - where you can do something else while they're at their hobby? Even if it's just reading a good book with a great view, not necessarily a trip round a stately home....

Sometimes it's worth feigning interest in your child's hobbies just so they don't think you're not interested in them and then they lose interest in you.

Read some nice inspiring self-help / personal development books from the library.
Make a list of goals of your own - some easy that you can do straight away, others more challenging that you can build up to.

You need things for you. If you want to lose weight for yourself and your own well-being, do it. Put yourself first and make time to give yourself appreciation and affection. Therapy is also a good idea. You don’t need male validation, you need to learn how to validate yourself.

That’s so sad your DH is only interested in your DD. It must be so lonely. I went thru similar with my ex who had a DD. He only seemed interested in her and I always felt like a lonely outsider.

maybe some counselling to talk thru some of your concerns.

Also maybe start small and cut out a specific food from your diet, like sweets or fried foods. Workout to a low impact exercise youtube video a few times a week. Just some little change may lead you to bigger ones.

when you stop eating choco or cut down you won’t crave it as much. Get headphones and go out for a walk, or do some dog walking to help you get outside and lose weight.
cut that anchor

Don't let your marriage drift into a family situation where the closest bond is between daughter and father as opposed to husband and wife. Your daughter will always need her mother so never ever feel that you are an outsider looking in. Many marriages fail at this stage and it would be wise to throw everything you can at it to boost your connection. Can you book a trip out to do something that you used to really enjoy doing together/ he really loves, romantic date night etc? At the same time do all that people have suggested above to boost your self confidence and broaden your world. Perhaps the menopause is a factor, arriving as it does at the same time as your active mothering role decreases, and you can become quite depressed with it, and perhaps talking about these issues to your husband will help him to understand changes in you, and what you want for the future. Please don't interpret what I have said as in any way implying that this is all on you, or the problems are all caused by you, but I wish I had been proactive and taken responsibility myself as I felt the same as you at the same point in my life and it didn't end well.

I once read somewhere that too green what you want, you have to give what you have.

So your time, your ability to walk/drive, maybe some skills that you have.

So maybe volunteering somewhere? Using your existing time/ skills to help people? Meeting a friend for a regular walk/chat? Lunchtime walks with a pal from work? Time to be at least a little interested in you DH/DC hobby, even if not participating?

It could work!

*get what you want

Time to prioritise you!

What do you enjoy? How would you spend a completely selfish afternoon, day or weekend? Make a list and be honest. It might be curling up in bed with a good book or it might be skydiving - ideally both.

Sounds like you need to find yourself first, then work out how to re-engage with your daughter (and OH?)

Good luck and I hope you can find a way forward, always with yourself and your needs taking centre stage

It sounds like one of the issues is that you feel or are a bit excluded from your own family unit. DH and DD both prefer spending time with each other/on their shared hobby over time with you.

While you're not naturally drawn to the hobby, could some of your (seemingly total) disinterest be because you think/sense you're not wanted there and so pre-emptively remove yourself from the situation?

If many of your loved ones are interested in something, no matter what a snoozefest, it's quite common to at least get a little bit into it. There was a lovely article in the guardian the other day about an "honorary rail fan" because her sons and husband were all into trains to a totally geeky level. In a sense, they invited her into their passion by telling her all about it with infectious enthusiasm every time they encountered a train.

I wonder if you could ask them more about their hobby and see if their enthusiasm infects and interests you. If you feel it's safe to be emotionally vulnerable with your husband, maybe ask to be included a little bit too, if not in the hobby then other forms.

You definitely need some interests for you. What about joining a gym or some exercise classes. Make some friends at the same time. You’d feel a lot better if you lost some weight, for yourself but as you approach 50 good to feel healthier in yourself too. I always feel better when I eat cleaner, which isn’t easy as it’s always nicer to reach out for the snacks when stressed but it is counter productive

Unfortunately, I have no advice for you.
I am divorced with two children, and very lonely. No family and my friends have their own lives.
I have taken up a couple of hobbies and I do enjoy them. But nothing stops the soul crushing loneliness.

Sounds like James Brown.

By all means lose weight if you want to, but ffs you need to separate your own view of yourself from external sources of approval.

I am in my mid forties and a bit overweight but it doesn't affect how I feel about me. In the last few years a switch flicked and I began to think 'now or never'. If I was going to do something, I had to start it now.

I have multiple projects on the go and all sorts of plans for the future. Sure I have points where my mood dips and I encounter challenges. My marriage isn't perfect and my DH doesn't always 'get' some of the things that I feel are important. But I just keep going. Because what else can I do?

Get out and do. Make yourself too busy to care whether your DH, a random bloke at work or even your DD approve of you.