My partner and I have been together for 4 years. Our time together hasn't really been the greatest. I'm 30. I have 2 children. I've also been through a lot of trauma in my life, starting from a very young age & I find myself stuck in this relationship and scared to leave.
We live all live in my one bedroom flat. I struggle financially. I had my son during the first COVID lockdown & I ended up going through postnatal depression. Throughout my pregnancy, my partner would make me upset, stress me out, argue with me. He wouldn't help me around the house. He'd tell me it wasn't his flat, so it wasn't his problem. But he lived here.
I remember getting upset with him during the 8th month of my pregnancy because I'm cleaning the bathroom with bleach, having to bend over to clean the floor . I had hyperemesis gravidarum during my entire pregnancy, to the point I was admitted to the hospital many times for dehydration. I had 9 scans because the doctors were saying my son wasn't growing. I had very bad lower back and pelvic pains to the point I couldn't get out of bed. And I was needing to clean up after my partner. He would eat and leave everything there for me to clean, make a mess in the bedroom and I had to clean it up. Then when I would ask him to help me. He'd argue with me.
This happened throughout my pregnancy. It only got worse after my son was born. One time I was feeling suicidal he told me to go do it. Another time I was feeling suicidal he told me that I was attention seeking, because I didn't actually kill myself. He'd tell me that I didn't know how to control my emotions and that I needed to be in medication. I ended up on anti depressants. I felt so so numb. I had to fight to get counselling even though I was meant to be a priority.
I was advised by my counselor and my mental health nurse to write a list of things I do and things he does. It was meant to be something that would help him see how much I was doing.
He took it to his friends and they adviced him to burn it because it looked like evidence just in case I 'killed myself' that was all he cared about. How guilty he would look if I had killed myself. He would tell people I was crazy, that I had PTSD and how much he supports me. He lived with me but didn't even help me pay bills, buy clothes for our son, food for the home we would have to go 50% on but I've gone 100% on everything else. By the end of the month. I'm skint & now then I gotta ask my partner for money which I would have to pay back.
He'd tell me I should go get a job by the time my son was 6months (he's 3 now). When I was working. I'd be financially responsible for everything, I'd still have to come home, cook & clean & look after the kids
Throughout our relationship he's called me names. He called me dirty & nasty. He'd tell me that I was jealous of his family because his parents were still together and mine weren't. He tells me I have no one, no support. He tells me that his family are only close to me because they are worried I will leg it with our son. (The mother of his first son stopped him from seeing him). He gaslights me, lies to me. Says things then tell me I didn't hear him correctly, or deny saying it all together. He been physical with me. Pushing past me when he's angry or snatching things out my hand with force. One time so hard my nail snapped but because he hasn't hit me. I don't know if it counts. He says sorry, admits he has issues with anger and how he will get counselling. But he never does. I tip toe around him every day Because I don't wanna piss him off. My flat was meant to be a safe place. Now I'm scared all the time.
I feel lonely. None of my friends know whats going on. & I seriously mean no one. I hide that we're together. & Leaving right now may put me in a position where I could be homeless with my children.
I feel alone in this. I know there are other women going through things like this. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I feel like I've got no support. I just wanted to speak for once. Be heard. Thank you for reading.