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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

have an irrational issue with MIL

13 replies

emz31 · 06/12/2004 10:19

hi my DS is 5MO now and although my MIL is very sweet she is completely obsessed by DS. She lives about 100 mils away so granted only gets to see him every couple of weeks, but when we do meet up, she makes me feel toally redundant. she changes him, carries hima round constantly and generally smothers him and ignores the routines i have him set in. only the fact i am BF gives me any control back. i know i shouyld be more considerate as FIL died a year ago and she is all alone (no family nearby) and DH is an only child. BUT she is moving to the same town as us in 6 months and is pressuring me to go back to work so she can have DS all to herself all the time. Feel like i may crack up when this happens and she is making me resent her and not want to take DS to visit because she is so obsessive. It's dreadful when both grans get together as she totally comandeers DS and make my mum feel really inadequate. Pls help am i being a total insensitive cow??

OP posts:

coppertop · 06/12/2004 10:27

Hmmmm. My first thought was that as she lives so far away and doesn't see him often then not to worry. However, I find it worrying that she is trying to pressure you into going back to work so that she can look after him. Do you think there's any chance that she'll modify her behaviour once she moves closer?

nailpolish · 06/12/2004 10:32

i think you should be careful if she is going ot look after ds if you go back to work. having family as the main childminder can ba dangerous ground, they have a lot of control. of course, it can work out very well but it depends on the family. no offence to grandparents anywhere! no you are not an insensitve cow and i would recommend professional care ie nursery for your ds when you go back to work, maybe mil could have him 1 day a week then everyone will be happy.

really hope i havent upset anyone by saying this but its through experience

aloha · 06/12/2004 10:33

I don't think you are irrational. I'd say ignore the possessive behaviour if she lives 100 miles away - just go and read a book or head for the hairdressers....but the pressure to go back to work so she can have yoru ds to herself is not on. Are you planning to go back to work? I would strongly advise you not to make your MIL his main carer if you do. You will totally resent it and it will make your life a misery. Don't change your plans because of her. Also, you might want to think about putting boundaries in place now as otherwise things will probably get worse.

cranberryjampot · 06/12/2004 10:37

Are you actually planning on going back to work? If not, then please dont be pressured into doing it. If you are then I think I would advise doing it before she moves and placing him in nursery/childminders so he is settled and your plans are in place. Surely she can babysit and have him occasionally. Remember he is your (and dh's) child not hers. You really do not have to bow down to her.

xmashampermunker · 06/12/2004 10:37

Oh emz, I sympathise. My MIL offered to stay over when DS was first born so she could 'walk around with him' at night. Er...nope! Nights are for sleeping and the sooner he got the hang of that, the better! She's also saying that it's good for babies to stay away from their parents overnight because if they 'have to' then they're used to it! Again, nope! She had problems handing him over when it was time to go home too - hugged him close and used a little girl voice to say 'oh pweeze don't take him home' [puke emoticon]

So I'm not being much help, but I do understand! How is DH with her? Can he be more firm? I'd suggest seeing her little and as often as you can bear when she does move closer. As for leaving him with her if you go back to work - do you have to go back and full or part time if you do? How close does your mum live? Would she have your DS some of the time? Not sure what else to say, except big hugs!

Gobbledigoose · 06/12/2004 10:42

Not sure I've got any advice but just to reassure you that I'd be exactly the same. My MIL says on the phone 'how are my boys' and although I know it's harmless, it does annoy me. She too wanted to be up in the night and when she came to stay when ds1 was born she got up but I sent her back to bed - knackered as I was, it's my baby and I'll do it thank you!

She's fab if I ask for help but that's how I prefer it.

Agree that if you are going back to work, get ds settled where you'll want him to go so that you don't get pressured into having MIL as his carer.

Big hugs to you - it must be hard.

Having said that, I can see how she wants to be close to your DS if she's alone and DH is an only child. Try and seem grateful for her help and maybe ask her to do some stuff for you so that she at least feels needed, but on the work front you have other plans.

Stilltrue · 06/12/2004 11:12

I understand where you are coming from !!! You need to get some control and set some boundaries on this in the nicest possible way. It's certainly irritating but try to get some advantages for yourself out of it. eg. if you do need to get back to work, could it be part time with a nanny/nursery/childminder as main childcare setting? On your day(s) off you could use mil as backup only, eg if you need to go to dentist/hairdresser then she could have the satisfaction of sole charge as often as it suited YOU, but not all day long.

Agree that ft mil child care would be a bad idea for you given that you are already a bit swamped by her! Imo your child's carer needs to be a bit more "distant" from you so that you as ds's mother can be firm about your requirements for him. Sorry as you may be for her, you cannot let her transfer her needs onto you and your little boy like this. maybe I'm a cow too!

Original poster

emz31 · 06/12/2004 12:56

thanks all for your messages, i'm glad people understand as when i speak to my DH he says he understands but also that he is in a difficult position. I'm prob going back to work part time when DS is 9MO, so hopefully MIL still won't have moved by then and i can put him in a nursery - and maybe have 2 days there and 1 with her. Still, am really dreading it as she's retiring from her full time job to move to us and do bugger all allday. she's a really active person and i'm just terrified that when she gets bored will take to dropping in whenever she feels like it. i love my life at the mo and jus tdon't want to have to invite MIL if i go shopping etc.etc.
my parents live at the other end of the country so i also have to contend with the jealousy of my mum now that MIL will be here. i sometimes feel like my head will explode, so thanks for letting me get it all off my chest!! and i'm glad i'm not the only one who has MIL dramas!

OP posts:

cranberryjampot · 06/12/2004 13:00

Whatever you do - dont give her a key!

coppertop · 06/12/2004 13:04

Could you be sneaky and do a bit of research to find out what is on offer in the area for her? Are there groups, clubs etc that could be compatible with her personal interests? If she has plenty to do then she's less likely to be at your house all the time.

Original poster

emz31 · 07/12/2004 13:50

well, she has no personal interests really. her life before FIL died revolved around caring for him as he was quite sick and even before he was sick, they still didn't do much as a couple. she's also really shy and just wouldn't entertain the idea of putting herself forward in a club.
And no, she most certainly will NOT be getting a key!!
i just hope things work out really as i have a feeling that this could really test my marriage and it's extra stress i could do without.

OP posts:

Esthersmum · 08/12/2004 20:17

I really feel for you! Your MIL's behaviour is perhaps understandable but this does not mean it's acceptable.

I agree with those who have said that you need to set some very clear boundaries with her from the word go. Perhaps before she moves nearer to you could subtly make it clear each time you speak to her that you are out and about doing your own thing, and that when you make arrangements they are just that - not impromptu visits from friends or anyone else. Once you are back at work I imagine you will want to spend some quality time with your DS without interference from her. Maybe you could arrange a set time each week for her to see him, plus one evening's babysitting where she gets to bath him before bedtime and before you get to go out with your DH?

Finally the fact that she ignores your routines is inexcusable. She should definitely respect these, even if she did things differently. If it was me I'd probably tell her that if she doesn't feel able to help you establish routines with your son then this will really limit the amount of time she can spend with him.

If you can pick the right moment to discuss all this with your DH without him feeling pressured then that might help in presenting a 'united' approach to your MIL.

Phew! Glad I got that off my chest! Sorry if it sounds harsh but my Mum's also on her own after being widowed far too young, and she isn't like this at all. Good luck

aloha · 08/12/2004 20:20

Remember, the child care you organise for your son is YOUR decision (and your dh's) but NOT your MIL's. Please, please don't feel bullied/guilt-tripped into making her his main carer just because this is what she wants. It could kill your marriage, would make you unhappy and stressed and it's not worth it. Boundaries are all important with relationships like this.

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