Alcoholism running in families and breaking the cycle

[Olinguita]

I grew up with an alcoholic dad and have numerous "functioning" alcoholics on his side of the family. Out of my siblings, one is a problem drinker and frankly could do with going into rehab, one is teetotal and I enjoy a drink but strictly in moderation due to my family history.
DH's late dad was an alcoholic for years but quit drinking in his 40s (before DH was born) and never touched a drop again.
FIL passed away in 18 months ago and MIL has sadly started to drink heavily and uncontrollably. We are in the process of trying to get her into rehab in her home country.
With this history of alcoholism on both sides of the family, I'm really worried about DS. He is only a toddler but I worry about there being a genetic component, or about him being affected somehow by our family dynamic. The other day I saw a youngish homeless man on the side of the road whose face showed all the signs of alcohol and drug abuse. But he had lovely curly hair like my son, and I was suddenly struck by the fact that he too was once someone's baby.
Does anyone else on here have experience growing up in an alcoholic home and have similar fears about history repeating? How have you navigated this?
My DH was on a slippery slope to drinking too much after his father passed away but took a decision at the end of the year to quit booze entirely.
Where things get even more complex is that MIL is basically drinking herself to death out of loneliness. Both she and DH swear that she doesn't drink if she is around other people. She has stayed with us for two long spells since FIL passed and to be fair, didn't drink during that time. She was a PITA in other ways but that is another story.
I'm feeling under a lot of pressure to let her either stay with us for a prolonged period or even move in with us, which would apparently cure the alcoholism but would be pretty crap for my marriage (she is a pretty difficult character who probably does mean well but has a tendency towards dramatic and low-level controlling behaviour). Also I'm not sure if this is how recovery really works....
My gut feeling is that I can't have her living under the same roof as my kid and that we must find other ways to support her. I'm terrified of my child growing up in a chaotic environment and the whole situation is already pushing a lot of buttons for me and dredging up awful memories even though she is oceans away from us right now.

I will follow. Great Grandad died of alcoholism young, as did my grandad (never met him). Uncle, alcoholic, brother is an alcoholic.

I don’t drink. I have two sons and their father also does not drink. Tons of alcoholism on my mothers side (with the men). It’s quite uncanny really. Women are well functioning.
Normal (ish) families. I mean what is normal? But not from severe poverty backgrounds etc.

Mi ex's family, including him, have a lot of alcoholism and I have a problematic relationship with alcohol. Supposedly the children of alcoholics have a genetic reaction to alcohol. So I told my dd about her increased risk and encouraged her to be able to let her hair down without relying on alcohol and that seems to have worked

You cannot have your alcoholic MIL under your roof. She staying with you for a prolonged (I guess also an open ended) period of time will not work and will merely further drag you all down.

Rehab would have more chance of success if she was going into rehab of her own free will and not from pressure from family or friends to do so. It has to be her sole choice to enter such a facility, familial coercion to go into a rehab facility does not work.

Put your child first as your H certainly is not by asking you and in turn him to accommodate his drunken controlling mother from overseas. You’ve got problems with your h anyway, he is far more afraid of supposedly upsetting his mother than he ever is of you. You’ve written about him at length before now and you should seriously consider whether this is a marriage you want to remain in. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Have alcoholic genes ever been identified? It does seem to run in families but is that cultural or genetic?

@WeepyWillow

I’ve read a lot of research. The twin studies are quite fascinating. There are definitely biological factors involved, mixed in with environmental ones.

having crazy people in your life makes you feel cray. Don't let her stay with you.

There is no one gene specifically responsible for alcohol misuse disorder
Anyone can develop an alcohol misuse disorder regardless of genetic make up.
Your environment (family, peers, work, societal culture) are the biggest factors in developing problem drinking.

It's more important and useful to focus on environmental factors than worrying about a genetic predisposition to overdrinking. I would do this by ensuring the home life and environment is calm with little to no alcohol in parents life and to keep any family problem drinkers at arm's length. Lead a healthy sober life, show your child healthy ways to deal with emotions and foster a genuine sense of self esteem in them. Teach them to say no and to feel good enough as they are. Tell them they are loved. Show them they are loved and lead by example.

You are not responsible for your MIL do not let her move in.

I come from a direct line of alcoholics (at least 4 preceding generations). My sister and I are in our 50s and neither of us are alcoholic and neither of us drink much. Neither do our children (in their 20s) show any sign of becoming so and also drink sparingly and don’t use recreational drugs.

I think in our case my disgusting father was a warning of what could happen. Our childhoods and teenage years were an absolute misery of poverty and domestic violence. I think you need to be honest with your son about the toll alcohol has taken on your family and how to spot the signs of drinking too much or recreational drug use. I have told my kids about life with my father and how his relationship with alcohol was his priority.

I have always been honest and open about drug and alcohol use in my own past and how I have done some things I regret.

There have been times in my life when I have been tempted to drink more than is bad for me. However, I have been determined not to take that path to addiction. I think I will always be at risk from addiction though.

My cousin who is a very high flyer is now a functioning alcoholic. I think in her case she didn’t see first hand the damage it can do (we had no contact growing up) and slipped into it gradually over a period of time.

"Both she and DH swear that she doesn't drink if she is around other people." Does this mean that she will never be able to live an independent life? You are going to be stuck with her and you are not happy before she even moves in.

My father's alcoholic. I was brought up by him from the age of about 8 years old when my mother had an affair. I rarely drink. Other than going out in my early 20s, I never really have, perhaps once a month or so, if that. I then have the odd night where ill social drink, then nothing again for a while 🤷‍♀️

My FIL, MIL and DH were/are alcoholics.

FIL really severe and died in his 50s. Interestingly his own father was teetotal because his father was a severe alcoholic.

So there could be a genetic component - although there was likely an emotionally deficient environment for FIL growing up as his teetotal DF was away in the war and returned quite traumatisted.

My own DH gave up 7 years ago but only after our marriage failed.

I had a traumatic childhood, my own Dad was teetotal but at least half of my siblings are alcoholics due to childhood trauma.

My oldest DS (24) is teetotal and doesn’t do drugs as he is aware of the family risk and how it impacts him. I have seen him drink too much and too fast. He now exercises compulsively.

MIL didn’t drink until she was in her 40s and then when FIL drinking accelerated she just joined in. I wouldn’t have called her an alcoholic in the first 10 years - but then it became an entrenched habit especially after FIL died.

So a mixed bag.

On balance I would say that a troubled childhood increases the risk.

Thanks for the replies so far, these have been really helpful. I'm so saddened to hear of the abuse, neglect and shitty behaviour some of you have been subjected to. What I'm hearing loud and clear is that modelling good behaviour, providing a stable and loving childhood and talking openly about the damage that drinking can do are all key to breaking the cycle. My family unfortunately swept my dad's alcoholism under the carpet for years and put on a "brave face" which was hugely damaging.
@Coyoacan if you don't mind me asking, how old was your DD when you had that talk? I love the fact that you helped her understand that it's possible to let her hair down without drinking.
@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm giving a lot of thought to whether I want to stay in this marriage or not. I have really appreciated your input and tough love on my previous threads. Right now I'm getting ducks in a row so that if I decide to go then I have a rock solid plan in place.
@PhillySub yep, DH is hinting she may never be able to live independently. She is in her 60s. Even my suggestion of pooling funds to buy her a studio flat nearby and spending plenty of time with her isn't enough it seems. She is technically physically capable of living alone but may not be soon because physical wear and tear caused by alcohol consumption and injuries she has had while drinking are rapidly diminishing her ability to function. So she is rendering herself totally dependent. So selfish.

Do not let her anywhere near you - not even in a studio flat nearby.

You will become her carer 24/7 as her health declines - lurching from one physical crisis to another.

We lived like this and it took so much away from my DCs childhoods - we only have finite time, physical energy, emotional capacity - and an alcoholic will gran the lions share and drain this from you - so that you have little left for your DCs.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease (even if they give up the mental and physical damage is often irreversible and continues to deteriorate) - so all your time energy and headspace is going to be in greater demand managing their life and crises - this is where the inadvertent neglect ot children happens and the cycle continues as we can’t be in too emotional or physical places at once.

Do not get on the slippery path with your MIL - she will ruin your DCs childhood, your family life and your marriage.

FIL really severe and died in his 50s. Interestingly his own father was teetotal because his father was a severe alcoholic.

So there could be a genetic component - although there was likely an emotionally deficient environment for FIL growing up as his teetotal DF was away in the war and returned quite traumatisted

My FIL was teetotal because his father and mother and several of his brothers were all alcoholics. One of his sons is alcoholic and the other could be, but there was no particular trauma as they were growing up.

@Olinguita

I don't really know. These were recurrent conversations. The one about the need to know how to relax without alcohol took place when she was maybe 9, then the one about the added risk of having alcoholism in the family was when she was 12.

There's a huge history of alcohol abuse in my family . So there must be a genetic link but there is also a lot of undiagnosed mental health issues due to trauma, as well as neurodivergance such as adhd and asd. So I think my families drinking is definitely a way to self medicate .

Have alcoholic genes ever been identified? It does seem to run in families but is that cultural or genetic?

Apparently the offspring of alcoholics have a notably different reaction to alcohol.

I think alcoholism can be acquired by anyone. There is no alcoholism that I know of in my family, but I do love alcohol and was at least a psychological addict by the time I gave it up.

I think there's some research out there on the effect of alcohol on immature (child) brains. But it must be cultural as well, or else French kids would be more problematic.

I have a sometimes-unhealthy relationship with alcohol, there are numerous alcoholics in my family, that were around as I was growing up. I was 'allowed' a shandy on Sundays from maybe about ten years old.

Do not have alcohol in your kid's life. Drink at home only maybe at Christmas. Meals out at restaurants rather than pubs. Minimal exposure to adults who are drinking, which normalises it.

But mainly, if you're thinking about it now, you're already doing the right thing by your kid.

Hi op, I'm a 3rd generation recovering alcoholic (3 years clean, I don't count the time before that as I took full Mass). For quite some time I had my lovely but alcoholic Dad living with me and my then 2 year old son, it was chaos trying to take care of them both. I was lucky that my dad didn't have any other drama issues aside from his health but it did take its toll. My son is now 10 and we are practicing Catholics, he does not know that I'm in recovery he just believes that as Catholics we can't drink, it's easier for him to think that way until I can have an open conversation about the truth when he's older. From my experience I wouldn't advise having an alcohol dependant family member living with you but it does depend on the extent of the problem, the personality of the person and the strength of your family.

I agree with this - but would also say that the extent of the problem will ever only go one way over time - ie gets worse and consequently the “strength of the family” declines because the burden grows.

You have finite time, energy and mental capacity - deploy it on the next generation.

Give them the opportunity of a different path by providing a stable solid childhood which is not possible when a parent is distracted, drained and distressed by being pulled into the ever spiralling mess of the alcoholic adult.

Thought I'd re visit this thread as I've found lots of useful tips. My oldest DD is turning 18 at the end of the month and I'm nervous tbh. My husband's family have a really poor relationship with alcohol and while DH is a bit more disciplined, whenever they get together it's full on. To the extent that I am very low contact with them. Even when the kids were little, alcohol spoilt every nice event I've tried to organise involving them and the only way to avoid that was to avoid them. My DH would show up for bits of things but mostly moved on to few get togethers per year.
I've always talked to our DC about them not needing alcohol to enjoy themselves, and the possible genetic tendency to be unable to handle it. DD not really interested in drinking so far, the odd couple on Prom night or a rare Party but always fine/sensible. For her 18th though she wants to go into town/ possibly clubbing with friends and I've talked about not having to do things just because others do etc and revisited the whole staying safe/no need to go crazy type conversations. Wish I could relax and just let her enjoy her birthday but it's always at the back of my mind, what if somehow genetically she is like DH family and the thought of her drinking too much, putting herself in risky situations, throwing up etc really worries me. She is studious and into fitness/health etc so perhaps it'll be ok, I can only hope I've demonstrated that it's not necessary and ok in moderation etc. Just hope I've passed on the right messages.....