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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship with my mum over

20 replies

reliefeo · 12/02/2023 13:57

I had a final argument with my mum today. I told her she was a bad parent - which she is in lots of ways - she has now refused to allow my children to visit her - we were all due to attend for dinner. I had explained to her that any argument was between her and I - not my kids to whom she has been a good grandparent and who thought they had a great relationship with her.

they are understandably upset - and I’m livid!! - they are 16 year olds and she has always been in their life. She has often been negligible with my feelings but to hurt my kids is beyond any redemption. I explained that although my mum and I weren’t going to be in touch anymore that they could still have a relationship etc but she’s put paid to that.

I’m so so angry and so sad and hurt for them. I don’t know what I want advice on I suppose I just feel like I failed as a parent 😭

OP posts:
namechange1487 · 12/02/2023 14:02

Is it really over or is this a reoccurring pattern?

There are some families fall out and make up weekly almost, which is exhausting drama for everyone.

If not that, and this is the first time you've reached this point, then sounds like lots of hard lines have been drawn. To say it's the end is huge and has such repercussions, as the teenagers are finding out. Difficult to just find new rules instantly so this will rumble on for a bit.

Are you sure it is the end?

Escapingafter50years · 12/02/2023 14:03

Your mother is using your children as a weapon against you.
Do you think that's something an emotionally healthy mother would do?
Do you think exposing your children to this behaviour would be good for their emotional health?

Tinkerbyebye · 12/02/2023 14:04

So now you know what your mother thinks about her grandchildren, they are simply a pawn to keep you in control, so she is not a good grandmother

its going to be tough but it’s your mothers choice and at 16 the kids are old enough to understand that

Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 14:11

We have had falling a out before but never to this extent- I challenged her on her cavalier attitude to my feelings on a serious issue and she told me I was a coward and to stop acting the victim. It involved childhood abuse which when I revealed it she was not supportive of and still tries to avoid discussing.

I just can’t see a way back

OP posts:
Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 14:16

This is the first time she has ever used them as pawns - it’s so sad for them - but they know now and they have seen a different side to her.

OP posts:
Mummybearto3bg · 12/02/2023 14:36

Sorry to hear that. My mum has done the same thing. Argument between me and her - kids aren't involved at all and she can see them when she wants. I'll even take them to her. Her first words in the argument that had nothing to do with the kids at all -was "so you're going to stop me from seeing the kids???!"
She hasn't text/called them or sent them birthday card/Christmas card since June last year. Her toxicness towards me just passed onto my kids so I won't be letting her see them now. She's had her chance!

Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 14:50

I’ve tried so hard to forgive my mum and start fresh but every now and then something happens to remind me. I lost my shit this morning on a call - she immediately began her normal routine of basically acting like she was being attacked for no reason, gas lighting etc

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2023 14:59

If she is too difficult/toxic/abusive/batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your children too. Would urge you to keep your children well away from your mother. They haven’t realised that they are being used as pawns and or are otherwise being manipulated by your mother.

Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 15:19

The thing is they do love her - she spent time everyday with them. They were on a group call with them and she basically told them they weren’t coming to her house anymore - to stay with me and to make sure they took care of themselves - a goodbye basically. I was LIVID I called her told her to grow up and that my kids weren’t a pawn for her to use.

She wanted me to tell them why I was so angry with her and I said I wouldnt - that they were too young and I didn’t want them to know I was abused ever. If I shared details of the argument then it would be obvious.

its the attempting to fool me by acting bewildered that keeps resonating with me - there’s no hope for her

OP posts:
CamilleRose · 12/02/2023 15:50

It sounds like you need to be careful, your mother sounds very immature and revengeful. She could take your ability about what you tell your children out of your hands by telling them information or even twisting the narrative. You don’t need to go into any detail but you may need to tell your children that you weren’t treated well as a child (I.e. the abuse but no details) and your mother hasn’t been there for you once she knew about it. I have kids ages 22, 19. & 16, and I also shielded them from events in my past but as they got older I have told them things, only when I feel it may explain my behavior. As in this case, it’s the missing piece that your children need to understand what is going on.

If you can’t face ever letting your children know you suffered as a child (but with no detail) it makes me wonder, have you had support and therapy? It’s a lot to deal with if you have this in your past and your mother has been completely uncaring.

Your children are getting older, shielding them forever from the truth can actually leave them confused and hurt, and also vulnerable if they aren’t given help to understand life events.

As others have said, your mother is vindictive and I really don’t think it’s a good thing to encourage your children to see her when she is willing to weaponize her relationship with them. Who IRL are you able to talk to about your mum? Are you able to confide in other adults?

This relationship with your mum is very dysfunctional, have you ever spoken to a therapist about it and the abuse you suffered?

Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 16:09

I have spoken to a therapist about my mum and she agrees that she is a bad parent. She is also ver pass agg and martyr like. Emotionally stunted was the phrase.

I suppose I don’t want my kids to look at my differently - plus they shouldn’t have to worry about their mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 16:10

I have told my kids that my childhood was very difficult and gran wasn’t always kind and the way a parent should be but nothing else.

OP posts:
namechange1487 · 12/02/2023 16:59

Protect yourself and your children

You've drawn a line, put everyone you care about behind it and her on the other side or damage will continue

Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 17:59

its so awful as she is elderly now and often in need of help. Help which I’ve provided on a daily basis. I’ve tried to put the past behind me but it would be so much easier if she would just acknowledge her role in my pain instead of acting like a martyr when I challenge her on anything.

she has hurt her grandchildren and herself with her behaviour. Me not so much as I’ve gotten used to her emotional neglect - so difficult to watch her twist the knife with my kids though. She has chosen this and I will follow through with it. This dysfunction stops with me.

OP posts:
OutFortheBirds · 12/02/2023 18:09

It’s her choice to behave that way. Her’s. And you can’t undo that. As for weaponising her relationship with your children, that’s textbook manipulation to allow for her bad behaviour to go unchecked.

The truth is, whether she’s old or not, she hasn’t earned the right to treat you like rubbish and you’re not on this Earth to check her behaviour. Go your own way. Leave her to it. Some mothers and grandmothers are not nice people. Some are downright horrible people. Not everyone has to be close to them.

Original poster
reliefeo · 12/02/2023 19:20

I have no family apart from her - no remaining siblings and my extended family disowned me when I reported the abuse. That’s the price for telling the truth apparently. I can’t tell you how painful that was. Reported it almost 20 years ago - against my mothers wishes - and poof - all my family gone in an instant. The same people I spent summers, Christmas, weddings, new babies for all my life up to that point now ignore me on sight.

I had to give her an ultimatum at one stage as she was still in contact with people who were treating me so horribly. I basically told her I wouldn’t be in touch with her if that continued.

she honestly doesn’t give a fk about me!

OP posts:
OutFortheBirds · 12/02/2023 22:34

I’m really sorry OP. That’s not your fault.Be proud of yourself for choosing you when no one else did. Imagine what your life would be if you didn’t.
Some families are just horrid. There are other people who will show you kindness. It’s never too late to create good friendships and a community.

CuriousMama · 12/02/2023 23:10

Keep strong. She's wrong to disregard your abuse. Show your dcs a healthy attitude and let her stew.

Original poster
reliefeo · 13/02/2023 08:26

I slept so badly last night but I’m strangely not crying or upset today - it’s so odd of a feeling

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 14/02/2023 14:48

reliefeo · 13/02/2023 08:26

I slept so badly last night but I’m strangely not crying or upset today - it’s so odd of a feeling

Take care of yourself 💓

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