Confused by friendship

[coffeeisthebest]

Hi, I just wanted to start by saying I haven't had great friendships over my life, I am mid 40s now and feel like I still don't have any idea what a good friendship feels like. I am married with kids but really struggle in this area. I have a friend who I have known for years, she is always at the centre of everything, loads of people confide in her, she always seems to make people laugh, she knows a lot of people. And then we are friends. I notice she barely listens to what I say, doesn't seem to care about me much, I often feel very judged by her, yet when she is with other people she is warm and chatty. I feel confused and don't know which version of her is genuine. I really doubt myself and often think I should be grateful for her friendship but then she often just doesn't seem very nice and I am left feeling very confused. I get the impression that she laughs at me behind my back but I may just be being paranoid, I just don't feel very secure in the relationship I guess. Does this make sense or am I just being over sensitive?

I have just spotted this as an unanswered thread so you may not be there anymore. Just to say you don’t sound over sensitive, she sounds very disingenuous and I would stear clear of her if I were you.

Definitely stay clear from her. X

The fact that these sort of analytical thoughts are coming into your head indicates that this is not a healthy friendship. If it was, you wouldn't have a second thought about her, except 'Aw, it was sweet what she said', or 'I think I'll watch that film she mentioned'

As soon as a relationship triggers thoughts of confusion, move away from it.

Spending time with her is not making you feel good. Ditch her. U deserve better.

This is bizarre timing that you have just brought this thread back to my attention, thank you for your comments! She has recently told me something about her parenting that is making me feel even worse about her. I know I need to step away from her, just actually doing it feels impossible.

Why does it feel impossible?

Just don't respond to texts at all quickly. Lengthen the gap in your responses.

Don't be available to meet up. And if you do, keep it brief. You have to be somewhere else.

It's up to you.

What @BlastedPimples said. If you find it difficult to give yourself the distance you need (if she calls and you’re keen to answer or texts and you’re keen to respond) then one tool I use is to rename in my phone eg ‘Sally Do Not Answer’ (‘Distance Becky’ or ‘Wait Josie’ or ‘Former Friend Sue’…. Whatever works) so that’s what pops up when she calls and it gives you that reminder not to fall back into your unconscious reflex action of picking up/responding immediately.

I sometimes worry my kids will see what I’ve written about parents they know but no one has ever noticed. And if they do you can model good self care to them: ‘I need to remind myself to put a bit of distance between me and Sue because she makes me uncomfortable sometimes’ which is what you’d want them to do if a friend treated them in the same way.

Apologies to anyone called Becky, Sue or Sally - just example names!

Having a scarcity mentality around friendships is having you put up with things that bring you down.
so the question is, how can you make a shift in your life so that friendships feel plentiful and easy to come by?

I think starting with what friendships would truly look like to you, if you were able to just create them, might be a good idea. So write down what your ideal friendships would be like, and just let yourself get as wild and creative as you like!

then maybe figure out what are some hobbies you want to pursue, or what are things you enjoy doing - what would you do for free, if you were asked, simply because you enjoy it so much?

it could be anything. Sewing, reading, painting, dressing up in costumes, amateur theater, or things like hiking, birdwatching… singing in a choir? you get the idea. Make lists.

then look for meetup groups for those specific things. I guess it would be harder in a rural area, and might take some creativity depending on where you live , but even online groups can have friendships that form - good ones!

it’s a long process, and took me years to both find my way into some hobbies, and form enough new friendships that I felt safe to shed the ones that weren’t healthy to me. But it’s so worth doing.

sending you support, OP 💐

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your replies and feel a bit less burdened as you all seem to have addressed the problems I am having in a really straightforward way. I will give it a go, it is very true that I have had a scarcity mentality (I like that phrase) about friendships, for various different reasons, and I am now looking to break out of that thinking and see what happens. Thanks again. 😊

Good luck 💐