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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Controlling partner

18 replies

FMDM · 12/02/2023 12:24

I’m not even sure the reason why I’m posting this, maybe I just need to write it all down or hear people tell me what I already know! I’ve been with my partner for over 15 years and his lying has always been an issue from day one, lying about the silliest of things sometimes but enough to destroy any trust. As the years have gone by the lying and hiding things has carried on, lying about borrowing money, not paying bills and hiding that debt companies are chasing the payments etc, which is the other main issue, he is completely in control of our finances, I don’t have a bank card, I can’t access any of our accounts or anything, if I want to use any money I have to ask. I don’t work (this was a mutual decision when we had children, I would have been working just to pay childcare so it was agreed I’d stay home and look after the children myself). I appreciate I don’t earn anything but I would never ask for money for myself it would only ever be for the children. I’ve tried to bring this issue up probably hundreds of times now and I just get told I’m wrong and he isn’t in control, I’ve tried to bring it up recently when it’s come to light that a major household bill hasn’t been paid for months and I’m now being completely and utterly ignored like I don’t even exist. I’m just at the point I can’t live like this anymore, I have absolutely no life, no independence and may aswell just not exist. I know people will read this and just think why am I putting up with this, I’m at that point myself, I just hoped things would change but clearly they are not going to. Maybe I just needed to write something down to see how bad it all actually sounds.

OP posts:
theoldcatsmells · 12/02/2023 12:27

Building on examples within the Statutory Guidance, relevant behaviour of the perpetrator can include:
Isolating a person from their friends and family
Depriving them of their basic needs
Monitoring their time
Monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware
Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep
Depriving them access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
Repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless
Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
Forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent disclosure to authorities
Financial abuse including control of finances, such as only allowing a person a punitive allowance
Control ability to go to school or place of study
Taking wages, benefits or allowances
Threats to hurt or kill
Threats to harm a child
Threats to reveal or publish private information (e.g. threatening to 'out' someone)
Threats to hurt or physically harming a family pet
Assault
Criminal damage (such as destruction of household goods)
Preventing a person from having access to transport or from working
Preventing a person from being able to attend school, college or University
Family 'dishonour'
Reputational damage
Disclosure of sexual orientation
Disclosure of HIV status or other medical condition without consent
Limiting access to family, friends and financeswww.cps.gov.uk/le

gal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

The Statutory Guidance outlines a non-exhaustive list of the types of evidence that could be used to prove the offence of controlling or coercive behaviour; the following list including and builds on the examples provided in the Statutory Guidance:
Copies of emails
Phone records
Text messages
Evidence of abuse over the internet, digital technology and social media platforms
Photographs of injuries such as: defensive injuries to forearms, latent upper arm grabs, scalp bruising, clumps of hair missing
999 tapes or transcripts
CCTV
Body worn video footage
Lifestyle and household including at scene photographic evidence
Records of interaction with services such as support services, (even if parts of those records relate to events which occurred before the new offence came into force, their contents may still, in certain circumstances, be relied on in evidence)
Medical records
Witness testimony, for example the family and friends of the victim may be able to give evidence about the effect and impact of isolation of the victim from them
Local enquiries: neighbours, regular deliveries, postal, window cleaner etc
Bank records to show financial control
Previous threats made to children or other family members
Diary kept by the victim
Victims account of what happened to the police
Evidence of isolation such as lack of contact between family and friends, victim withdrawing from activities such as clubs, perpetrator accompanying victim to medical appointments
GPS tracking devices installed on mobile phones, tablets, vehicles etc.,
Where the perpetrator has a carer responsibility, the care plan might be useful as it details what funds should be used for
Even where there is a decision to take no further action, prosecutors should ask police officers to advise the victim to take steps to gather records to support any future investigation. This might include:
A diary of events (ideally in a bound book or timed by keeping an electronic record) noting that there are potential risks to the victim if the perpetrator were to discover this;
Safely noting details of witnesses who may have observed or heard these events;
Storing messages or taping calls made by the defendant;
Safely speaking to neighbours, colleagues, family, friends or specialist support services

Successgirl2022 · 12/02/2023 12:30

It's financial abuse from your husband.

He MUST have a joint account and give you access to you and agree on the maximum sum/budget a month you can spend.

Successgirl2022 · 12/02/2023 12:31

HOW DARE he control you like that!

Successgirl2022 · 12/02/2023 12:32

In a case like this I would be desperate to start working and paying for childcare 50/50.

Successgirl2022 · 12/02/2023 12:33

Don't be a victim of his financial abuse, take control of the situation and free yourself.

boysmum23 · 12/02/2023 12:33

do you recieve any benefits for your children other than child benefit? if so where does that go, id have it changed into your bank, how do you buy clothes etc. for yourself? you shouldnt have to ask for money for essentials if you've both agreed on you not working. Sounds very controlling to me

Bellalalala · 12/02/2023 12:34

How old are the children?

FMDM · 12/02/2023 12:40

A few months ago I did suggest that what was taking place was financial abuse which obviously was flat denied, I do think he believes what he is doing is ok and I can’t get him to see that it is wrong. I am so good with money, if I had access to the accounts I would have everything organised and paid, I think there is so many things he is trying to hide from me that to just completely cut me off from the accounts is his easiest way to cover it all up. Ive asked if we can just sit down, go through all of the accounts and get it all out in the open and sort it out but he has now opened another account in just his name which his salary gets paid into so yet another account I have no access to. It’s soul destroying thinking somebody who says they love you can make you feel so unimportant and invisible

OP posts:
FMDM · 12/02/2023 12:46

The only other money we receive is the child benefit money that everybody gets, I don’t claim anything. That goes into a separate account which was agreed would be an account I would handle and use for the children but within weeks of that account opening he is the only one that can access it, I don’t know the PIN number for the card or the log in details for the online banking so if I want money from there I have to ask him to withdraw it for me. I know how ridiculous this all sounds and I feel very stupid for allowing this to happen to me but I don’t know how to do anything about it, I hoped telling him how bad this made me feel would work but I just get told what I’m saying isn’t happening, I’m wrong and then I get ignored which to be honest gets to me the most

OP posts:
Naunet · 12/02/2023 13:26

He’s not going to listen OP, because he doesn’t want to, this is how he likes things, with you dependant on him. You need to get back to work and then look at leaving, otherwise he will drag you down with him.

Fairislefandango · 12/02/2023 13:37

You should have left him over a decade ago. Don't waste another decade on this man. He's not going to change. Why would he? Certainly not because you ask him to - he's very clearly demonstrated for the whole of your 15 year relationship that he has no respect for you.

Dery · 12/02/2023 13:40

@Naunet has nailed it. Telling an abuser that their abusive behaviour is wrong doesn’t usually solve things.

Don’t beat yourself up. I imagine you’re in this position because deep down, if not on the surface, you’re scared of him - because there are no good reasons to remove a partner’s access to what should be shared money, only bad ones.

He knows that with financial independence you could leave him so he won’t allow you what you need. If your DCs are of school age, you can hopefully start earning at least a bit again and paying that into an account to which he has no access. Then you can review your options.

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2023 13:49

How old are your DC, if they are at school could you work part time? but he sounds like the type to stop you working as he doesn't want you to gain independence or have a social life away from him.

FMDM · 12/02/2023 14:11

Our children are older and in school and I would desperately like to get back to work, I’ve always worked before having our first child and not working isn’t something that really suits me but at the minute I’m suffering with crippling anxiety which isn’t helping me one bit. Think I just need to break out of this horrendous loop I’ve got myself stuck in!

OP posts:
Dery · 12/02/2023 15:00

The crippling anxiety is almost certainly caused at least in part by your financial vulnerability. You would probably find that getting back to work would help.

Pinkbonbon · 12/02/2023 15:18

Open your own bank account and ask the relevant body for the payment for the children to be transferred to that in future. He may try to change it back once he realises of course.

But definately get your own bank account ASAP. If he ever tries to access it, call the police as it is fraud.

Do you have any family that you can go and stay with? Ideally taking the kids too.

Start considering jobs you can do.
Even if its picking up little cash in hand cleaning jobs.

Sell some things on ebay that you no longer use.
Start building up some money of your own that he cannot access.

Who's name is on the home? Do you own or rent?
I'd be looking to get out fast, before debt collectors start showing up.

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 15:45

His behaviour is appalling. I am truly shocked.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/04/2023 23:12

You have to get a job op - no wonder you’re anxious stuck in this rut. You can get a chase bank account easily which is accessed exclusively through an app. Change your phone password frequently and do not give him access. A job will raise you self esteem. And tell him to leave. Do you have a family/friend support network. This is abuse and you have to get out, you know that.

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