I miss my ex’s family

[fruittella]

I feel so bad writing this. I’ve been with my current boyfriend officially for 3 months now and it’s going so well. I couldn’t ask for more in a boyfriend and I’m super happy.

My ex ended things with me a year ago and he was brutal in the end, and he was a bit of an arse. He lived with his parents (we are quite young still) who I absolutely adored and i was so close to. They welcomed me and treated me like their own from the beginning saying how well I used to fit in. I was so close to his mum, we sometimes went for walks and drinks on our own! I’d feel so comfortable in their home.
i lived with them for a while. Out of nowhere my ex split with me and kicked me out. His mum was devastated and actually cried when I left, saying I’m an amazing woman and to believe in myself.
Just a small thing as well, this was 10 months ago now, and she unfollowed me on all social media but every now and then she will view my stories. I think she likes to check I’m doing okay.

Anyway, I’m now with my current boyfriend who I absolutely adore. I’m so much happier than I was with my ex.
However, my current boyfriend lives with his parents also. They are nice people, but haven’t made much of an effort to get to know me. When I come round they don’t chat or ask me questions. I still feel so uncomfortable when I go round there and I have no idea what to talk about.
My boyfriend says that’s the way they’ve always been, and he’s never been close to them either because they’re very closed off and antisocial.

A few of my friends have got married recently and at the wedding their in-laws have made such cute speeches such as “you were always one of us” “you fit right in” etc and I know I would’ve been seen like that with my ex’s parents. I don’t feel it’ll ever be like that if I do end up staying with my boyfriend and it makes me sad.

I know the relationship isn’t all about the in-laws, and my boyfriend is the most important part. But I can’t help really missing my ex’s family and the really close dynamic I had with them all the time. What do I do to look past this?

Chill, you are 3 months dating.
They may have gotten close to other girlfriends in the past only for them to break up.

Not every family are the same.

I understand why you are missing them and that closeness but at the end of the day your relationship is with your boyfriend, not his parents.

This might be controversial, but if you miss your ex's mum, then message her and ask if she'd like to go for a coffee. Sure, it may look odd to others on the outside, but there's no reason you can't remain friends. You can be friends with someone of a different generation, without needing another reason for it.

A lot of people aren't close to their in laws (and it can be a blessing!) so I wouldn't get hung up on that aspect of your relationship with your new bf when everything else is good.

You don’t date someone for their family though, where is your family? Have you not got any and that’s why you feel the need to search for family elsewhere? I would be surprised if after 3 months his family was saying you are one of them! All sounds a bit much tbh it’s been 3 months now do you know it will never be like that. And no don’t message your exes mum 🤦🏻

Forget what in laws say at weddings. No one is going to stand up and say ‘hmm we are sure about her/him.’ Or least most people wouldn’t.

People stand up to talk about how great the couple is. Even if they aren’t.

In laws are a tricky situation. Getting too close can often lead to complications and problems. It makes it harder when if you split up. I am welcoming to my adult dds new girlfriends. But I am not going to jump straight into ‘you are like another child’. Because if I genuinely think that and dd finished the relationship, I would be there for my dd. So they aren’t like another child. It’s not real.

You haven’t been with your boyfriend long. Maybe they simply don’t want to invest in treating you like one of them when they have no clue how long you will be around. if he has had quite a few girlfriends, they can’t all be ‘one of us’.

Your relationship is with your boyfriend. Picking a boyfriend or dumping a boyfriend, mainly on how quickly their family treats you like another adult child isn’t going to work. You need to be looking at wether you want to be in the relationship with them as the primary consideration.

I've never had a deep conversation with my MIL. Never been out with her. We have been together 17 years and we just make small talk.

Do you have parents? Do you get along with them?

I know what you mean OP. Some people do really get along so well with in laws and that's lovely. I suppose you just have to remember that every relationship there are things that aren't perfect. Getting on with your in laws to that extent is quite rare so it probably isn't a realistic expectation that it will happen again.

I'm very happy with my husband and feel absolutely nothing (except glad we split!) for my exes. But of course they all had at least one thing my DH doesn't. One had a lot of pimples that he let me pop! I sure do miss that.