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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Deleting past relationship.

10 replies

Thisispainful · 12/02/2023 09:44

Yes it was an affair. I know that makes me horrendous. My husband hasn’t been told directly but I’m sure he knows and has chosen to ignore.

It ended towards middle part of last year.

The last few days I’ve been deleting all screenshots, photos, messages of a very very long friendship that became also became an affair at times for a long time. We transcended both of each others relationships. We weren’t good people. I know.

In the last few years though this man broke me. The control, manipulation and coldness I started to realise. As I started to challenge this there was sexual violence too yet I went back. Part of me still loves the part of him before all that. Thought I was to blame for making him do that. Still struggle to call it what it was.

However to move on I need to clean my phone and photos of any memory of him. I don’t want it to come back to be discovered years in the future. I’ve paid hugely for my errors already. It’s time I got my life back.

This is hard though. I thought I’d delete it all but I just can’t. The silly selfies - they were him. The version I only saw. He’s still in my head and probably will be forever. A lot of who I am now is because of him. The good and the bad.

Google photos isn’t grouping all his images too so not even an easy delete all.

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purpledalmation · 12/02/2023 09:54

You just need to go through each photo one at a time, spaced over several days and delete every one. You also need to really let go of this fake love and see it for what it was, and abusive relationship which followed a very common course.

Thisispainful · 12/02/2023 10:41

Thank you @purpledalmation . I’ve done tons so far but now I’m struggling. Will stop for a bit.

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Watchkeys · 12/02/2023 11:50

A lot of who I am now is because of him

This is the problem. Why is this the case? What are you doing to rectify it?

Thisispainful · 12/02/2023 12:40

Anxious, mistrusting, poor mental health. Accessing support. Have had counselling in the past. Never got to the real issue. He was still around too. He’s not now. Well as in no contact but I still could see him around in life. Fortunately I haven’t but that’s because I have avoided places ( silly stuff like supermarkets if I it’s the weekend as he could be there)

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Watchkeys · 12/02/2023 13:17

Did you learn to validate yourself as a kid, @Thisispainful ? Did your parents encourage you to understand that your feelings are the part of yourself you need to respect most? Were you listened to and taken notice of? Did your parents listen to and take notice of each other?

Thisispainful · 12/02/2023 15:10

@Watchkeys no they didn’t. Truthfully have I just fucked up my own children too.

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Thisispainful · 14/02/2023 00:13

Tried to delete me. Ended up down a rose tinted path.

Any good resources to read about abusive relationships and being a fixer? I still feel totally at fault.

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WidthofaLine · 14/02/2023 11:43

Thisispainful · 14/02/2023 00:13

Tried to delete me. Ended up down a rose tinted path.

Any good resources to read about abusive relationships and being a fixer? I still feel totally at fault.

Abusive in what way and to who.

Towards your husband ?

Basecampzero · 14/02/2023 11:54

Thisispainful · 14/02/2023 00:13

Tried to delete me. Ended up down a rose tinted path.

Any good resources to read about abusive relationships and being a fixer? I still feel totally at fault.

Pete Walker 'CPTSD, from surviving to thriving'
Sue Gerhardt, 'Why Love Matters'

Also, Brene Brown is very good. She has lots of free stuff on YouTube.

A neglectful or abusive childhood basically primes you to try and fix others. It makes it hard to take love in from others. You end up giving out to others rather than having healthy, balanced relationships.

That relationship you had with this man was just reinforcing past negative patterns. I really recommend you find a therapist who specialises in overcoming childhood trauma. Counselling Directory, Psychology Today and the BACP all have lists of therapists.

Thisispainful · 14/02/2023 17:46

Thank you @Basecampzero I will look up those resources.

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