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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He said he love both of us

20 replies

Mandyaaliyah · 12/02/2023 01:24

I met this guy in August. We went out on dates. He told me about his past and that he is a single father. His daughter lives with him and her mom is in another state and they are not together. He had been raising his daughter for 7 years, since she was born. However, I am 22 in college no kids and he is 33. He wasn't my type of but I did grow into having feelings for him fast forward in the beginning of us dealing with each other ....he told me about how he was dealing with tho one female and how he thought she was pregnant with his son and, turns out to be it wasn't his and how she cheated on him plenty of times with her kid's father and coming and going as she pleased from him telling me that he told me he didn't deal with her anymore fast forward to now I finally found out he is still messing with her I went to surprise him for his birthday with a cake and a card and he was actually in the bed with her I caught him and he had this stupid look on his face I didn't react I just looked so shocked and out of nowhere he says he loves both of us I know it sounds fucked up and to find out the whole time he never left her alone. I thought he was a good dude, but obviously, that's not the case and he was still dealing with someone that treated him in that way. So now he's telling me he loves me and he's sorry, but he's still with her. I asked him, so" is what you want. He told me he doesn't even know why he is still with her. I mean this dude will help me with just about anything, cook breakfast for me, holds the door open for me, and tells me I bought things out of him. That 1 bought the best out of him. I'm just so hurt right now because thought he was the one him not to mention he told me He grew up with no mom and lived with his cousin so it seems like the females he did have in his life were just horrible.

OP posts:

Moser85 · 12/02/2023 02:19

He's horrible and you deserve better.
I am iffy about age gap relationships anyway but my opinion is that if you are in one you should at least treat the person well. He's 33 and treating you like this, he has the life experience to know that this could devastate you, that you're young and likely to take it hard but he didn't/doesn't care how much he hurt you.

DO NOT feel sorry for him, or make excuses for him that he's confused because they have so much history etc. etc. (all the excuses women normally make for these man because they want to believe them).

Maybe his past (the women in his life) has played a part in why he behaves this way, HOWEVER, you can't fix him. Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.
It's also possible that he's just an arsehole.

You're so young and deserve someone who will treat you right!

lifeinthehills · 12/02/2023 02:25

You deserve someone who will be devoted to you, and only you.

TicketBoo23 · 12/02/2023 02:47

Get rid of him.

He's going to end up giving you an std.

You're throwing yourself away dating an 11 yes older than you man at your age too.

TicketBoo23 · 12/02/2023 02:50

I mean this dude will help me with just about anything, cook breakfast for me, holds the door open for me, and tells me I bought things out of him. That 1 bought the best out of him

Yes but he was also fucking another woman all along (?) Behind you back. That's the part that matters.

Why would you ever have to share a man, let alone when you're in the absolute prime/youth of your life.

Get out and meet some other guys around your age.

TicketBoo23 · 12/02/2023 02:54

*You're throwing yourself away dating an 11 yes older than you man at your age too.

....... And he's already got a kid as well. That's you not getting to do the big firsts in life together (like both having your first child) when you could do them with another guy.

That's less resources for your children, when he's already paying for one. Kids are supposed to cost about £200k to raise. You could have your kids in a simple, uncomplicated situation with all your joint resources going towards them, with another man.

He's washed up.

You're just embarking on true adult life.

TicketBoo23 · 12/02/2023 02:57

As to your title; you get another guy, have sex with them and then tell him you're confused, and conflicted and you feel like you love them both.

See what his reaction to that is. Why does he get to have two women but you only get half a man. There's no nationwide shortage of men, unless Ive missed it on the news.

ShowOfHands · 12/02/2023 02:58

Raise your bar above "cheating arsehole who happens to open doors for people" while you're still young.

Moobae · 12/02/2023 03:13

I stopped reading at you’re 22 and he is 33.
He won’t take you seriously like no woman his age takes him which is why he goes for 22yr olds,
date men your own age

Summer2424 · 12/02/2023 03:35

@Mandyaaliyah you deserve better, you're young enjoy your life and be with someone who would treat you with love and respect xx

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/02/2023 03:44

So he's got some courteous manners but zero loyalty and capable of betrayal of the deepest kind of trust.
It's sad he had a rough time growing up but the good ones work on their issues and find their way to a place where better things are possible, he's 33 and still inviting drama and unplanned pregnancies into his life with his poor behaviour.
He's also inflicting hurt on others despite knowing how that feels, this is not inevitable behaviour from an unhappy childhood, some choose not to continue the damage on others.
You need to walk away and be glad you're not carrying his child with all the heartache that would involve.
Be free and find someone who can be trusted.

SeasonFinale · 12/02/2023 04:49

Run and don't look back.

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 08:50

You’re 22. This dude is fucking other women behind your back. I don’t care if he cooks you breakfast, you run and you don’t look back, and in time you laugh at the sad, fucked up mess he was.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/02/2023 10:13

Dodge the bullet, your life doesn't have to be this painful.
Someone very wise said to me that "it is not possible for the quality of your life to exceed the quality of your life partner"
I'm 47 and have never found an exception to this statement. Because if he's willing, even lets face it wants to live this way (for whatever reason) you won't persuade him to be any different.
You want betrayal and insecurity, stick with him.
You want poverty and financial insecurity marry a gambling man.
You want injuries marry a violent man.

You want peace and love... Find someone who has a moral compass pointing true north and believes in loyalty, trust and love and lives the talk.

Buymyselfflowers · 12/02/2023 10:16

You’re not considering carrying on seeing him are you? Sharing him with the other woman who may or may not be pregnant with his baby?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/02/2023 11:15

He's having sex with other women

Dump him and move on!

SunshineAndFizz · 12/02/2023 11:21

Is there a question here?

Are you actually considering still being with him?

WaltzingWaters · 12/02/2023 11:25

Throw him away immediately and never look back. He’s awful. He’ll cause you nothing but drama, misery, and STD’s.

quietnightmare · 12/02/2023 11:30

You are 22 dump him. Trust me in 10 years time when you are older and wiser you will regret staying with him that's if he hasn't dumped you for a younger model by then too

Flashingtealights · 12/02/2023 11:39

His words are telling you he loves you both. His actions are showing you he doesn’t love either of you . Once someone finds that one person that they truly love, they aren’t interested in pursuing anyone else, their only thoughts are with that one specific person . When someone says they love 2 people , it’s BS, they’re just counting on the 2 people concerned being weak enough to stay and try to ‘win him’ . Leave him to his nonsense and walk away

BrilliantUsername · 12/02/2023 11:40

Oh goodness block him and don't give him another thought.
If he really loved you he would love only you and would know without a doubt you were the ONE and only for him and fight for you.
Until you meet someone who feels that way about you don't waste your youth.
It's his loss and the other woman will have a lifetime of this because when you walk away he'll find another to fill that emotional gap.

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