About 4 years ago I found out that my husband of 20+ years had slept with someone else, only once but I think there were other times when they were physical but only once had sex. When I confronted him he promised it would never happen again, that it was a one-off, that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He hasn't. He was coming out of a period of depression during which he'd had an intense friendship (emotional affair?) with someone else. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It's hard living together, pretending, going through the motions. I feel very lonely. Theres no physical contact between us at all. The only people who hug me are our children.
After the last one he said I could read his messages whenever I wanted to and I do. I don't ask and I don't know if he knows. I hadn't done for ages then did just before Christmas. I found messages from 2 different women that he met through work. One talked about how he had just stopped replying after they'd been physically intimate and the other talked about how far they had gone and when they could next meet. He has lied to my face about what he has been doing when he has been to meet this woman.
I'm ashamed to tell him that I've been reading his messages but I hate the way we are living and myself for just putting up with it.
I'm not even sure why I'm telling mumsnet this except that I can't tell anyone irl as we've been together so long that almost all our friends are joint friends and I feel embarrassed and despite everything I don't want them to think badly of him, although I do. I suppose I hope that if I write it here it won't be on the tip of my tongue every time I open my mouth. Thanks for listening.