How to deal with my pathetic petty ex husband

[Constantlyrude]

He moved out 2020, divorced finalised end of last year. He moved an hour away. High earner, company director, and a petty bell-end.

No spousal maintenance, clean break but he pays towards our 3 kids. However Dick moves have included:

docking child maintenance if he had to pick them up, to cover his petrol

attempting to dock maintenance for “wear and tear” on his own car transporting his own children

insisting that he will only drive half way to pick them up as travelling to our home town is too upsetting

refusing to pay for things agreed in Consent Order such as medical and therapy bills (disabled kids) unless agreed in advance - and he won’t agree to anything

refusing to pay for half uniform (also in consent order) because they could choose to wear school shoes/footy boots/rugby kit outside of school if they wanted

refusing to pay for school trips until after the trip “in case they don’t go” so I’m out of pocket.

You get the picture. Literally every interaction is a dig at me, and if he has a choice between looking like a petty twat and just doing right by the kids, he will choose petty every time.

i try to keep interaction to a minimum but on the rare occasion when we have to communicate, he very quickly brings up the same old stuff he wants to rehash and for him to be Right and me to be Wrong.

I don’t hate him. I’m sad that such a pathetic lump is now in place of the man I married and that the kids have to put up with their father bullying me, and I would like us to get on better.

I have tried to ignore his goading and deliberate awkwardness, and I realise he’s getting off on winding me up. Is there anything I can do to discourage such dickishness?

How old are your children?

And no, he's no allowed to do this. How is your maintenance paid, voluntary arrangement, court order or CMS?

I see it's in the consent order. Start getting all this down via email and go back to court. I am afraid it is the only way you will get him to shut up. He wants you to lose your temper, be ice cool and serve it back.

First of all get an enforcement order and ask that he pay costs if you can

Secondly create a board game ex husband bullshit board game

Ex docks cms as predicted move forward three spaces ex surprisingly pays up without complaints back two or a bingo card like the boris bullshit bingo that was doing the rounds during lockdown I found cue cards a fun idea so I would write down his excuses on bits of card and hold them up while he was on the phone droning on (for my friends not the kids) I nearly came unstuck one day saying really? That's a NEW EXCUSE he asked what I said I pointed out it was a really bad line can he just text me 😳😬

But yeah court

What a pathetic human being he is

Beyond petty. Mean. Spiteful.

What a cold, horrible person he is.

I’d keep doing what you’re doing. Going back to court will make him even more awkward. Be the better person and just keep reminding yourself what a sad, ridiculous little man he is

Boundaries are the way to go. Only communicate via email. Ignore any attempts to blame or guilt you. Keep repeating that you will not discuss anything outside of the issues with children. He's angry you got away and saw through his false self. What you're getting is the real him now. I'm so glad you're not with him any more.

How old are the children? And how much money are we talking about? If you can afford it, I would just ignore the sad bastard. It’s not fair, it’s not right and it must be hugely irritating. But, responding to it will give him what he wants. If you can afford to, just ignore him. If not, then back to court I think…..

Me exH is similar. We have Court orders in place for everything. We separated in 2019 and divorced in 2021. He isn't allowed to even come to my home also via a Court order. His supreme levels of arrogance make him defy it all. He left me questioning my own sanity by the end of it all. All interactions with him straight away put me in a state of all consuming panic.

He uses all interactions to effectively continue to be horrible to me. To yell at me and generally ensure I feel inferior to him.

Recently it's been over the children. He's going for dad of the year award since he got a full time live in au pair for his one night a week and EOW (yes my friends and I all howl with laughter at this and he is 💯 not sleeping with her). Given how much social services have had to be involved with him and the list of dangerous things he's done, the irony of his current agenda is laughable and clearly it's the au pair who does everything with the kids when they're there.

I never speak on the phone to him anymore. He is so deluded these days that he hears what he wants to, not what you're actually saying. So all comms is via email and WhatsApp. I calmly wrote everything down and always refer back to the Court order. I never engage on chat beyond the necessary. My ex tries to continue the chat, to make sure he gets his opinion across and that it's final, or so he can open a channel to start being horrible. My therapist said I need to grey rock him and that's worked and I no longer go into panic when I have to interact with him. Re the Court order, my ex doesn't want to go back to Court - the humiliation, the cost etc - so I find calmly laying things out in an email with the suggestion that you're hopeful for this (the Court order) being abided by and us not needing to get lawyers involved generally does the trick. Though he's like one of those head bop games, you knock one head (issue) down and another pops up... I feel your pain. My youngest is 5, I despair at the fact this man will plague my life for so many years to come. I am hopeful his anger will dissipate in time, but so far it hasn't...

Thanks so much for the perspective. The sums of money concerned are not inconsiderable but I can afford it. I am astonished that anyone could be so petty and peevish and not care at all that it makes him look like a massive twat. How is he not embarrassed?

Can someone explain to me why anyone gets a kick/cheap thrill out of literally constant digs?

This very morning : “the kids will be arriving at 11:30 am instead of 11, just to let you know.”

”no, they must be here at 11, I have things to do with work and you wouldn’t know that because you don’t work.”

(FWIW he’s working at home, it’s his company etc. I’d told him out of politeness. He has them 3 nights a month.)

He will keep doing fine humiliate you and get worse.

Do you understand that you have take a lump out of this guy to let him know that you aren't to be dicked around?

This is just male aggression. You need to reward it not with reasonableness or over conflict but by going to court. So it hurts him in a way he understands

This was my ex all over. He seemed to think that every penny he gave was for me rather than our child. Tried to wriggle out of everything. Regret not formalising via CMS now but child is now a uni student so he supports directly and it's a massive relief not to have to deal with his shit any more.

They’re such dicks.

So this is just aggression. Why does he feel the need? I’d Like to understand why he even bothers attempting to torment me like this! He even said the other night “everyone hates you. Everyone wondered why I stayed with you so long.”

He wouldn’t fucking leave!!!!!!

No self-criticism. Amazing.

Every time he tells you he's not paying for something, laugh and say "lol! I had a bet on with my mum/cousin/Sue next door that you'd say that! She didn't think you'd be so petty but I was pretty confident. Thanks mate, you've just won me a tenner". Or "wow, that's brilliant - I'm meeting up with Jill for drinks later. She loves hearing stories about all the ridiculous things you say and I didn't have anything new to update her on. She'll love having a laugh about this!"

Just make it very clear that you find his pettiness a hilarious, childish joke. Make him feel like he's the laughing stock of the neighborhood. I'm sure his big important man ego won't like that.