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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He makes me feel bad about myself

25 replies

capemay · 11/02/2023 20:58

We've been in a relationship for a year almost. I've (24F) recently learned that I am somewhere on the autism spectrum which impairs me socially and cognitively. It takes longer for me to learn and every job I've had has been more of a struggle for me. Right now I'm in a job that I can't stand but I can't seem to find another one. I work at a fast-paced coffee shop and am always getting yelled at for my pace. My coworkers make fun of me and my managers can't stand me. As you can imagine this job makes me feel bad about myself. I feel so incompetent and broken for being unable to work at a coffee shop of all places.

My boyfriend (22M) knows of my diagnosis but it's hard for him to be patient with me. Sometimes I ask him to clarify things and he will get annoyed or I might screw something up/give a wrong answer because the details or what he was asking weren't clear enough. He says all the time that I'm a ditz and lack common sense. I'm not going to say he's wrong. He yells at me often for being slow at doing things or for needing extra help on things and says how I'm lucky he puts up with me or that nobody else will love me like him. I'm not asking him often for help but sometimes I do because it's something that involves both of us otherwise I like to do stuff on my own because of the reactions I get when I do ask for help.

I don't think this is abusive behavior but it does make me feel low about myself. Whenever I screw up I can hear his voice in my head. For a long time I've felt worthless and like I have nothing to offer this world.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/02/2023 21:11

It is abusive behaviour. You're also being very badly treated at work.

All this is keeping you in a state of anxiety which is making you on edge all the time - round and round in a spiral.

I hope someone can come along soon who is better placed to advise you on how to get your job situation sorted.

Do you live with your boyfriend? If so, can you leave and go home to family?
You shouldn't stay with him.

pippinsleftleg · 11/02/2023 21:30

It is abusive.

if you don’t live with him please end the relationship.

if you do live with him have you got family who can help?

Opentooffers · 11/02/2023 21:39

Perhaps a physical and socially interactive job such as a coffee shop is just not what you are cut out for. There are probably other areas that you would excel at, it's a case of finding your niche. Consider jobs that would suit your strengths.
BF wise anyone who says the words " you are lucky I put up with you" should be immediately binned off.
Take it one at a time, bin him off, then look for a different job or training towards something more suitable - or vice/versa - if its too hard to do all at the same time.

WandaWonder · 11/02/2023 21:40

Do you need to be told to leave him?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 11/02/2023 21:46

Op any sort of diagnosis does not take away your rights to end a relationship.. He isn't a nice man. At all.

You deserve better. And ask your manager to remember your diagnosis qualifies you being treated like a human being not a robot...

barmycatmum · 11/02/2023 21:48

“No one else will love you” is not true. You need to leave this creep. You’re worth more than this.

please leave him.

category12 · 11/02/2023 21:52

Sorry, but it is abusive. Putting you down, yelling at you and calling you names is all abusive. For your self esteem's sake, dump him. It's better to be on your own for a while than being with someone who is mean and disparaging to you.

You're being bullied at work as well. Keep looking for other jobs and I hope you find something that suits you better soon and where your colleagues are decent people.

namechange3394 · 11/02/2023 21:57

If he loved you he wouldn't deliberately make you feel bad about yourself. This is abuse.

As an aside, I'm autistic and have a well paid (£60k+ outside London) professional job. I would crumble working in a coffee shop.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 11/02/2023 22:00

Nope. If we love someone we don't say those things to them. I'm sorry your job is no fun. Sounds like it's not a good fit for you. Keep trying for something else. What do you like doing?

Lalliella · 11/02/2023 22:12

He’s horrible. Please dump him OP, you’re worth so much more than this. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not bad. And work sounds awful too, you need to look for something else. What do you like doing? You don’t have to put up with any of this shit OP!

Sweet89 · 11/02/2023 22:16

Oh sweetheart, this is emotional abuse 😞 1 year isn't a very long time to be with someone and he is already exhibiting this behaviour, I really dread to think how he will behave come a few years down the line. please leave this man for your own wellbeing and please know you are worth everything, you deserve someone that will treat you with the respect that you deserve. All the best 💖

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/02/2023 23:19

capemay

my dear I’ve seen a correlation between autistic women and not so great relationships

id say the chances for you to blossom , and learn around , and lean into your ND will be greatly increased if you are NOT attached to a critical and and negging man

easy to say at twice your age x

try being single for a while

HaggisBurger · 11/02/2023 23:20

It’s abusive. You deserve so, so much more. Please leave

Merlinsbeard83 · 11/02/2023 23:27

You deserve better . Please don't let anyone treat you this way .
Also I worked in a bar when I was younger and could never get the hang of the pace or the people. Very similar issues with staff and management. It just didnt suit me at all . I really tried as well.

Do you have any local autism support groups or organisations that can help with work and such.
We do local to us , and they provide alot of help and support for my daughter .

frozendaisy · 12/02/2023 00:48

What he gives you OP isn't love. You are not "lucky" to have him.

Perhaps if you dropped the dead weight that is your boyfriend you would have more confidence and clarity at work. And some time at home to job seek for something more suitable.

Personally I would tell him I am not prepared to settle for love like this. And leave him.

capemay · 12/02/2023 01:57

Merlinsbeard83 · 11/02/2023 23:27

You deserve better . Please don't let anyone treat you this way .
Also I worked in a bar when I was younger and could never get the hang of the pace or the people. Very similar issues with staff and management. It just didnt suit me at all . I really tried as well.

Do you have any local autism support groups or organisations that can help with work and such.
We do local to us , and they provide alot of help and support for my daughter .

Hi, this is OP. And I can't find any near me at least for adults.

I don't know if I can find anyone better. Most men think I am really weird when they get to know me and don't stick around. He was the one who did.

OP posts:
TheLateGatsby · 12/02/2023 02:43

Sweetheart, I think you would be much better off single. Can you name one thing about being with him that makes all the abuse worthwhile?

You only just found out about your autism, imagine how much better your life could look in 5 years time if you find a job you are more suited to and friends or even a new partner who accepts you for who you are and treats you well?

TicketBoo23 · 12/02/2023 03:02

says how I'm lucky he puts up with me or that nobody else will love me like him

That's straight of the abuser hand book.

Text book abuser lines.

Those lines have been around so long, they've gained heritage status. Possibly older than the pyramids.

Men are not that martyred, believe me.
He's going nowhere cause he knows he's fmvot a good thing in you and can't do better but he's putting you down to make sure you don't think you could do any better and get rid of him. He may also be putting you down just because he's a bully and abuser and enjoys feeling superior and making his partner feel bad. Unfortunately there are plenty of people like that. They are toxic and nasty and best kept out of your life.

Your job sounds horrendous and not suited to.you.
What word you like to work at?

samqueens · 12/02/2023 04:18

He is abusive, as others have already said.

Please read Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (You can download on kindle app).

One of the issues with at the fear you express at being single, is that lot probably seems as if whatever else is going on in your life is kind of separate to the relationship you’re in. So things like: work and educational opportunities, hobbies, friendships and so on are all separate issues, and having the relationship means that at least one box is ticked.

But what you don’t know is that, when the relationship you’re in is abusive, that infects every single area of your life. So very often ALL you end up with is an abusive relationship. Dealing with that saps the energy of the best of us, even without any other challenges.

The other things you may wish for yourself will be put out of reach, or made more difficult, because of the abusive relationship. The abuser will continue to destroy your self esteem. You’ll miss career opportunities and chances for strong sustaining friendships. You won’t gain the confidence to start new activities or develop and pursue your own interests. And you certainly won’t meet another man who will treat you better, or value you more highly, while you’re still with your current boyfriend.

You’re so young, you already have a lot to process and deal with. Don’t waste time on someone who isn’t in your corner.

I hope you are able to read that book and future proof yourself from abusive men. You deserve much more from life than this.

Moobae · 12/02/2023 04:57

Get out of your relationship and look for another job.
or stay depressed and living your life for others

Merlinsbeard83 · 12/02/2023 10:40

It is awful the lack of support available . Can you try to find another job . That suits your skills more . I know easier said then done . But you sound like you have done brilliantly so far . Its really hard finding a job that works well for you . With people who are nicer .
And you are only 24 . No point settling for someone who treats you badly . You never know what's round the corner

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 16:39

I don't know if I can find anyone better. Most men think I am really weird when they get to know me and don't stick around. He was the one who did

Being alone is so much better than being with an abusive twat hell-bent on destroying your self-esteem.

Flowersintheattic57 · 12/02/2023 16:52

You don’t need to be with someone at every stage of your life. I left my abusive husband over 30 years ago and he said the same things to me. It’s not original or clever.
And you don’t need to be around people who make you feel bad. When people make you feel bad then you know to start stepping away from them. How can you build yourself up if you come home everyday from your stressful job and your boyfriend starts stamping all over you to make sure you are truly flattened out?
I bet you are really clever. When your boyfriend is no longer taking up so much space and energy, you will have the time to focus on what you are good at and how to find a job or training to match that.

category12 · 12/02/2023 17:29

capemay · 12/02/2023 01:57

Hi, this is OP. And I can't find any near me at least for adults.

I don't know if I can find anyone better. Most men think I am really weird when they get to know me and don't stick around. He was the one who did.

You're only 24.

There are respectful kind men out there you haven't met yet. Don't settle for someone who treats you so poorly.

Greenfairydust · 12/02/2023 18:01

''@WandaWonder · Yesterday 21:40
Do you need to be told to leave him?''

How exactly is that type of snarky comment helpful?

Someone with an autism diagnosis struggles with relationships and yes actually they do need help with understanding and assessing human dynamics.

So back to you OP: your boyfriend does not have your best interests at heart and he is being abusive.

Leave him and concentrate on finding a new employer who is also more respectful and understanding of your condition.

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