Will separation increase influence DH has on our DC?

[SlimeIsBanned]

I read all the time on here kids are better off with separated parents rather than shitty relationship role models

I've got 2 DC who are 4 and 5.

Already DH is getting them on the video games. Let's them eat and do what the fuck they like.

They are both stuck to me like glue however. I work full time but do 90% of actual care. He does some fun stuff like video games and park.

Anyway he swears and burps in front of them. On his phone etc. Eats in front of a screen. They copy him. He sulks if I bring any of this up.

He's a teacher and is respectable on outside.

If I leave him (I want to, I day dream about it all the time) do I not INCREASE exposure to their dad? I can't get them away from him. But at home the influence is a bit limited by me. If they have 50% with him I fear they'll turn into belching rude lazy gamers like him

Any advice?

Also the 5 year old is ND and developmentally behind. He is my shadow. DH will insist on him being with him 50% and genuinely think that would cause my DS trauma. He is always looking for where I am and is only happy in his routine. The guilt of what it might do to him makes me feel sick.

Unless your DH is some kind of threat or is truly incapable of looking after his children then he will always have an influence and input in their lives if he wants one. You cannot have total control.

My advice is that the end of your relationship is irrelevant to the fact that you will have to co-parent these children with him until their are adults. So any issues you have as parents need sorting out.

I know.

But the thought of my 5 year old ASD boy spending weekends on a phone watching totally inappropriate videos with no bedtime etc is stopping me. I don't want total control. I don't want to lose control though. At home all together I can make a difference still. If I leave DH then I have to just accept whatever happens happen when I'm not there???

Sounds like you hate your dh and your kids will no doubt be aware of that if unconsciously as they will sense the atmosphere.

You can't take your kids away from dh whether you are separated or not. They are entitled to a relationship with him. Living happily apart is going to more positive for all of you going forward.

Realistically, if he is a teacher, I can’t imagine him being easily able to be a primary parent or wanting to be. Just make the case for a life with you as the main caregiver.

Your worries are valid and are the reason I wouldn't seperate. It will be too traumatic for your children. In my opinion you should do your best to work on your relationship, or even just tolerating him until your children are older. If you decide to leave him know you are giving up access to your children 50% of the time and you've admitted they need you. It's not a popular opinion on here but for the early years of raising children you need to put them first and I don't believe (unless there's abuse of course) that they're better off living between two homes, and in this case missing their mother.

@mindutopia why? He has all the holidays and he is home at 5 every day. I work much longer hours.

@Spottycarousel what about me describing a future of my two sons being ignored and neglected 50% of their lives sounds happy?

I think you might be right @WerkinMum it's so bloody tough though.

DH currently giving me silent treatment for asking him to help me today. Difficult to not feel exhausted by the thought of tolerating this for years. I feel so much resentment but I feel like I'm throwing my kids under the bus by handing them over 50% of their young lives. I get to choose to walk away. They just have to put up with whatever shitty Co parenting set up we establish and tolerate going back and forth etc

The thing is OP by leaving him you take away the stress of having him directly in your life on a day to day basis (although don't underestimate how much contact you'll still have to have because of co parenting) but for 50% of your time, when your children are not with you and you're concerned for them, your stress and upset will probably be worse than it is now. Because it's easier to put up with a moody arsehole ourselves, than think about that same moody arsehole potentially damaging and influencing our children.

What I'm saying is I don't think you'll be happier without him, as you'll be dealing with your children being influenced by him and the stress and worry of how those kids are being looked after, or not, when you aren't there to care for them. Leaving him will give you more problems, it's not the solution right now.

If you do 90% of childcare - and I'd hazard a guess most of household chores too - there is no way he'd really want 50% of care. If he's said that, it's an empty threat. If you haven't discussed it yet, it's just your fear that will be unlikely to happen.
EoW and maybe some in between overnights is more likely, which gives you a break and helps you out.

You may well be surprised. The dynamics completely change once your separated, he may be a much more pro active positive parent.
It's easier to step back and be a lazy parent when the other parent will step up and take responsibility. When it's just you esp as you don't live with the children all the time. He may become more pro active.

Mine did this.

Leaving him made him a proper parent. Asd son didn't even notice he'd left the first fortnight... Now, they have a shared hobby, Ex does just as much as me (and I suspect actually puts in more effort, as he finds it harder). He built a relationship with his daughter from scratch (despite living with her from birth until 2.5 🙄) and puts serious hours into building it stronger.

Before he left, across two children, Ex made 2 meals in 5 years, did 1 bath time (with help) and tidied the day I gave birth to DC2. He did play with them for an hour a weekish though. Genuinely, that was it in the house: he didn't cook, clean, tidy, washing, shop, plan, any form of actual looking after the kids (never changed a nappy and did his first bed time once we split up).

Any chance yours would step up if he had to? How is he in a crisis? Does he crumble, or deal with it? I felt confident Ex would do it; he was always cracking in an emergency/major accident/crash, even if useless the other 364 days of the year. Having the kids alone, he dealt with just like he did any other crisis 😂.

What makes you think he'd actually want 50/50? He might say he does to try to deter you from splitting up, but I doubt in reality he would want that.

I disagree that it would be harder if you leave. Yes, he may want 50/50 but I think men ask for this less than you think they do. In my experience, even if they do it doesn't last long!

I can understand it would worry you that he'd be having unsupervised time with the children but it sounds like you'll all be happier. Don't underestimate the impact that unhappy parents can have on children.

They'll have a home with good boundaries, nurture, enrichment, routine. You can mitigate for the slack that might go on at his house and be the positive influence on them. Don't stay with someone for another 10/15 years for the kids because it almost certainly won't be great for them either.

If the partner ain't helping you I hope you ait doing his washing etc, don't be a mug